The "Guardian" Book of April Fool's Day [Hardcover]

For those of us who possess a finely cultivated sense of humour, there is really no better excuse to indulge in high-jinks and japery than April Fools' day. The Guardian has compiled a tremendous selection of the most spectacular April Fools' gags, that will most surely be treasured by any self-respecting connoisseur of the art of tomfoolery. It's a shame to see no mention of the late "Bearded Emperor of Mirth" (as they used to call him) Jeremy Beadle, who apparently had no small hand in organising the greatest April jocularities. Anyhow, perhaps the funniest part of the book is the account of the time Tony Blair summoned the Mexican President (as well as a number of South American ambassadors) to no. 10 on 'gravely important' international business of 'extreme urgency'. After leaving the troubled diplomats to speculate over the reasons for their call-up for nearly two hours, Blair finally emerged. Little could anyone have suspected that the Prime Minister of the United Kingdom would appear sporting a gigantic sombrero and a thick handlebar moustache (drawn on with a black marker pen). It was the enormous water pistol that really caught them out, though. Despite the fact that such weapons are intended to emit a jet of water, let's just say that Blair had other ideas about what to fill his tank with! Unfortunately April Fools' Day is not celebrated in Mexico although (thanks to some generous trade agreements) the President was later persuaded to revoke the declaration of war.

I actually like to regard myself as being something of a prankster- indeed my friend Bernard and I are always playing little tricks on each other, regardless of the time of year. However, April Fool's day will always remain a very special occasion in my calendar. A few years ago I pulled an absolutely rollicking good trick on him! Bernard has always been terrified (even paranoid, you might say) about the idea of intruders getting inside his house. Bearing this in mind, I thought I'd have a little fun with the daft old blighter! Bernard works night shifts in the garage, so early in the morning I used a skeleton key to gain entry to his house. After leaving a 'gift' in his fridge I hid under his bed and put on my balaclava.

It was not until three hours later that Bernard turned up, although I was perfectly happy to occupy myself with the large stack of magazines that I discovered under the bed- I shall refrain from revealing their subject matter, but I can tell you that it was of 'special interest' to me. Anyhow, it was a real struggle not to burst out laughing as Bernard finally arrived and entered the bedroom (considering what I had in store for him!) but somehow I managed to keep quiet as he got into bed. So, it was time for my big moment! You should have seen his reaction, when I jumped out from under the bed, wielding a crowbar and screaming abuse! He was absolutely petrified! The look on his face was simply priceless- especially when I bludgeoned him across the skull, knocking him out cold. I've played plenty of tricks on Bernard over the years, but I don't think that I had ever laughed so hard before!

Anyway, later on, during that same day, there came a knock at my door. Well, I say a 'knock', although it was powerful enough to 'knock' the door clean off its hinges! Next thing I knew, my face was being forcibly driven into the carpet and I had been handcuffed! Apparently Bernard had recently installed CCTV cameras inside the house, which had caught clear images of my face, minus the balaclava. On regaining conciousness, he had contacted the police! I should have known that the daft old prankster would get me back!

In all the time I have been playing these childish tricks on Bernard, the sly devil has never failed to return fire with with a joke of his own. On this occasion the cheeky git had gone and reported my 'crime' to the cops! Admittedly his comic ripostes can be a little repetetive (in fact, they always seem to involve either policemen or lawyers) but I do appreciate a good running gag. However, on this occasion his effort had backfired. As this book points out, April Fools' Day is not really a 'day' as such, for traditionally it supposed to end at noon. According to official police records, Bernard did not contact the police until 2.37 pm, so I am afraid to say that the joke was on him!

How I used to chuckle to myself about this every night, as I lay on the hard prison mattress during my two year sentence for GBH!