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How do i feel today, I feel sorry for myself, I feel angry at everything and I feel sad for my children. Almost everything about my life has been bad, I am not happy and I dont think i ever will be and if I live a thousand years, I will still feel the same as I do today. What everyone did to me when I was young was wrong, this is my life now and I have to live with it. I deal with each day as it comes, but my past still haunts me to this day and i think it always will. The problem is that when you experience life as a child, it should be with your mum, dad, brothers, sisters and other children, playing and exploring the world around you. Going to bed happy, smiling, and waking up with excitement and anticipation as to what you will learn and discover throughout the day. When you are a child, your mind is free to absorb its surroundings and absorb the feelings your body experiences, both physically and emotionally. This is how you learn good from bad and right from wrong. Still as a child, you learn to read and write and to make friends. I never had any of that and now I am beyond the reach of any counselling help or education and I have been so from when I was four years old. From the first day that I was abused, my life changed forever; and when I walked through the institution's doors in Ireland, my life was set on a path that has destroyed my soul. I never had a childhood and I never will; for me, my childhood was over before it began and my life with the nuns in Ireland was hell. My emotional pain today is as strong as it was the day it began and from a very early age, I suffered at the hands of the very people who said they would take good care of me and also at the hands of many other people around them who they called their friends. For me, my pain will never leave me alone. When I go to sleep, it is in my head; and when I wake up, I can see it in the mirror. It is a part of me that I grew up with and is now and always will be embedded within me. If I had one wish, I'd wish I had never been born. Who knows what I might have become if I had the chance to be myself in the beginning? A doctor, a cleaner, a mother. The time that I spent in the institution has made me into a very complicated, difficult and unhappy person and my emotions are cold, I am only waiting to die and I feel like it is taking too long. My family began the path to my destruction, they used me and they abused me, but they never ever loved or wanted me. If I have a soul, then it is lost somewhere between Ireland and Hell, and I do not think I will ever find it again; but time will tell.