The Feminine Mistake: Are We Giving Up Too Much? [Hardcover]

When I read through the reviews of this book before reading the actual book, it became clear to me that those women who worked or were inclined to work rated it highly while those who stayed at home or were inclined to stay at home rated it poorly. Why are we on two sides of the fence?

I speak from personal experiences when I say that it is of crucial importance for a woman to ensure her own economic independence. It's imperative to her own well-being and also that of her child. I would never suggest that money is more important than family because for me it isn't. I have no desire to hold a high-powered job making six or seven figures. I want only to make a decent living for myself and for my family.

Three years ago, I came to the harsh realization that for my own sake and that of my daughter, I had to leave my marriage. It was an agonizing decision made all the more so by the fact that I was a stay-at-home mom at the time. With no way of providing for myself or my child, I was terrified at the idea of leaving and yet I knew I had to for the good of everyone involved. The end result is that I have struggled for the past three years to provide for myself and my child. I could not possibly love my daughter more and had I been given the choice, I would have continued working so as not to have had to put her through this period of economic instability. Fortunately, she is very young and will likely not remember the vast majority of it but I will never forget the pain of knowing that I couldn't provide for my child the things I so desperately wanted to provide for her. I certainly gave her all the love and attention possible but neither of those things will put food in a child's belly or clothes on that child's back. There were days when I cried over being unable to spend a few dollars on an ice cream or a ride on the merry go round. I would never wish that experience on anyone, male or female.

Having been a stay-at-home mom, I know how difficult the job is and how little recognition women in that position often receive. In no way am I looking down on women who choose to stay home with their children. I'm simply cautioning them to think carefully about their choices as the unforeseen can strike any of us at any time and with no warning. I certainly never expected to get a divorce from a man to whom I'd been married for five years before getting pregnant and to whom I was utterly devoted, a man I had loved so passionately for the nearly seven years of our marriage. I certainly never imagined I'd feel the powerlessness that my economic dependency brought about, nor did I imagine I'd submit to the misery I did because of this dependency. Even at this considerably more stable point in my life, I shudder to think of those dark days and of the physical and psychological toll they took on me. This book is absolutely correct in stating that a man is not a financial plan and I am living proof of this.

I have never before written a review on Amazon, despite being a very avid reader. But, then, I have never before felt as strongly about a book as I do this one.

Why is "opting out" solely a woman's prerogative? Is this stay-at-home situation solely about personal choice? Are we giving up too much? Leslie Bennetts answers these questions and presents straighforward opinions on why so many women are reverting back to the days of Father Knows Best. I found this polemic to be engaging, enraging, and illuminating. While Bennetts forcefully defends her position (the title is The Feminine Mistake--guess which side of the Mommy Wars she is on), she does allow breathing room for those who do disagree with the notion that staying at home is not always the best option for women. Jam-packed with first-hand accounts of women's lives in various socio-economic conditions, Leslie Bennetts illustrates how women must take control of ther financial lives and not to simply rely on their man. I think this book is a must read for women AND men who are just starting out on the road of life. You can work AND rear strong, well-adjusted children; you just have to realize that every aspect of your life will not be perfect. Some of the comments from other readers (stay-at-home moms, mostly) who condemn this book are quite scary---they assume, quite smugly, that if only women choose DECENT men, then they do not have to worry about losing their husbands (to adultery, death, or illness). Sigh. It is this blase attitude that Bennetts addresses so well. I just hope the women who assume that their married life is peachy-keen are prepared--financially and emotionally--for life's realities.

Most of this book is made up of quotes from wealthy at-home mothers who seem eager to talk about how stupid, lazy, and dependent they are. We don't hear from mothers who are financially savvy, but who nevertheless have chosen (for all kinds of reasons, including financial) to spend some years out of their lives at home with their kids. There are also quotes from working moms about how exciting their careers are, what good examples they set for their children, how wonderful their kids are, and how fabulous they are. We learn that Bennetts herself is "an extremely committed and engaged parent," she "loves to cook," spends "inordinate amounts of time arranging flowers," and is "utterly absorbed by such tasks as the selection of sheets and towels." Her self-absorption really got tiresome.

The working moms interviewed employ full-time nannies at $30,000 a year, and have flexible schedules. One woman solved her child care issues by buying two additional homes (one for her aunt and one for her parents) near her own home. This made it possible, she says, for her to work and to have a family. Another working mom comments that she is in demand as a dinner-party companion, since she is not the "dreaded housewife." One claims her working status has given her the "power" to decide where the couple's pool will be installed at their country home. This is why they work? To be a desirable party guest and to dictate the location of a pool? Bennetts should spend some time in the real world and figure out why the rest of us work. She should also spend some time with some real at-home mothers and find out, shockingly, that most of them work hard and are interesting people. She should also examine the contradictions and double standards in the book. The book is, in part, dedicated to the family's full-time nanny. How strange that a book deriding women who take care of their own children full time should be dedicated to a woman who takes care of another family's children full time. Wasn't the nanny simply allowing herself to become financially dependent on Bennetts? And why didn't Bennetts set this woman straight?

Bennetts' point that women need to take care of themselves financially is valid, but this simple point is not well made. The droning on and on about how horrible at-home mothers are is senseless. The at-home mothers (usually given fake names, but she claims to have interviewed them) seemed only to voice Bennetts' own distain and lack of respect, and were indeed so stupid that I wondered where Bennetts managed to dig them up. In general, the book is a very negative, and unrealistic, portrayal of mothers, and it doesn't come close to addressing the real issues. It is also a very negative depiction of fathers, who are portrayed as unreliable cheaters who, common sense will tell you, cannot be counted on for anything. The book was disappointing, but Bennetts is a celebrity writer, not a scholar. For more serious books on this topic, check out Unbending Gender (by Joan Williams, a law professor) and The Price of Motherhood (by Ann Crittenden, a financial journalist and Pulitzer Prize nominee). Neither delivers a harangue against working or at-home mothers; they just deal with the issues.