Why are many of the most successful people plagued by feelings of emptiness and alienation? This wise and profound book has provided thousands of readers with an answerand has helped them to apply it to their own lives. Far too many of us had to learn as children to hide our own feelings, needs, and memories skillfully in order to meet our parents expectations and win their love. Alice Miller writes, When I used the word gifted in the title, I had in mind neither children who receive high grades in school nor children talented in a special way. I simply meant all of us who have survived an abusive childhood thanks to an ability to adapt even to unspeakable cruelty by becoming numb Without this gift offered us by nature, we would not have survived. But merely surviving is not enough. The Drama of the Gifted Child helps us to reclaim our life by discovering our own crucial needs and our own truth.
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Rare and compelling in its compassion and its unassuming eloquence...her examples are so vivid and so ordinary they touch the hurt child in us all (NEW YORK MAGAZINE )
--This text refers to an alternate
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About the Author
Alice Miller lives in France. For more than twenty years she taught and practised psychoanalysis. In 1973, due to her spontaneous painting she discovered her childhood history. Now, she radically questions the validity of psychoanalytic theories. As a result, in 1988 she resigned from the International Psychhoanalytical Association and, in 1995, revised 'The Drama of being a Child'.
--This text refers to an alternate
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EXPERIENCE has taught us that we have only one enduring weapon in our struggle against mental illness: the emotional discovery of the truth about the unique history of our childhood. Read the first page
Front Cover | Copyright | Table of Contents | Excerpt | Index | Back Cover
EXPERIENCE has taught us that we have only one enduring weapon in our struggle against mental illness: the emotional discovery of the truth about the unique history of our childhood. Read the first page
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153 of 155 people found the following review helpful
Format:Paperback
Alice Miller's "Drama Of The Gifted Child," was originally published as "Prisoners Of Childhood; The Drama Of The Gifted Child," in 1981. I read the book over 20 years ago, and recently reread it. I find that it is just as relevant, wise and perceptive today as it was then. Ms. Miller was a practicing psychoanalyst, who gave up her work with patients to write books, for the layperson, primarily dealing with early childhood abuse. In a new Forward, Miller continues to disavow psychoanalysis. Although I am not in agreement with her on this, she continues to be one of my heroes.
Ms. Miller, who writes an elegant and easily understandable prose, discusses here the issue of children raised by a narcissistic parent(s). She explains that this book is not about high I.Q. children, but about those who were able to survive an abusive childhood because they developed an adequate defense system. At a very early age the child intuitively apprehends the parent's needs. Since the parent, especially the mother, is the child's soul source of survival, the child strives to please, fearing disapproval, or abandonment. Thus, the child sublimates his needs for the parent's. Roles reverse and the child frequently takes on the parent's responsibility as emotional caregiver. This impedes the growth of a child's true identity, and a "loss of self" frequently occurs. The child adapts by not "feeling" his own needs, and develops finely tuned antennae, focusing intensely on the needs of the all important other. Ms. Miller writes, "An abused child, (emotionally), does not know it is being abused, and in order to survive and avoid the unbearable pain, the mind is provided with a remarkable mechanism, the 'gift' of 'repression,' which stores these experiences in a place outside of consciousness." Although, later in life, these "prohibited" feelings and needs cannot always be avoided, they remain split off and the most vital part of the true self is not integrated into the personality. The results are often depression, and tremendous insecurity.
Ms. Miller, who writes an elegant and easily understandable prose, discusses here the issue of children raised by a narcissistic parent(s). She explains that this book is not about high I.Q. children, but about those who were able to survive an abusive childhood because they developed an adequate defense system. At a very early age the child intuitively apprehends the parent's needs. Since the parent, especially the mother, is the child's soul source of survival, the child strives to please, fearing disapproval, or abandonment. Thus, the child sublimates his needs for the parent's. Roles reverse and the child frequently takes on the parent's responsibility as emotional caregiver. This impedes the growth of a child's true identity, and a "loss of self" frequently occurs. The child adapts by not "feeling" his own needs, and develops finely tuned antennae, focusing intensely on the needs of the all important other. Ms. Miller writes, "An abused child, (emotionally), does not know it is being abused, and in order to survive and avoid the unbearable pain, the mind is provided with a remarkable mechanism, the 'gift' of 'repression,' which stores these experiences in a place outside of consciousness." Although, later in life, these "prohibited" feelings and needs cannot always be avoided, they remain split off and the most vital part of the true self is not integrated into the personality. The results are often depression, and tremendous insecurity.
Alice Miller makes her readers aware of the unexpressed sufferings of the child and the tragedy of the parent(s) own illness. As she frequently states, "any parent who abuses a child," knowingly or otherwise, "has himself been severely traumatized in his childhood, in some form or another."
Gifted children are often the products of emotional abuse by a narcissistic parent. However, if the child's great need for admiration is not met, for his/her looks, intelligence or achievements, he/she falls into severe depression. Miller says one can only be free from depression "when self-esteem is based on the authenticity of one's own feelings and not on the possession of certain qualities."
Children need a great deal of both emotional and physical support from the adult. According to Miller, this adult support must include the following elements in order for a child to develop to his or her full potential: "Respect for the child; respect for his rights; tolerance for his feelings; willingness to learn from his behavior."
Miller also writes about the "origins of grandiosity as a form of denial and its relationship with depression." Another interesting chapter deals with the "process of parental derision" and how it results in humiliation and possible psychic trauma of the child.
Alice Miller's extraordinary book, along with consistent psychoanalytic psychotherapy, has assisted many to understand their past, modify behavior, forgive, and finally, best of all, to heal. I cannot recommend "The Drama Of The Gifted Child" highly enough.
JANA
12 of 12 people found the following review helpful
By BroadPete
Format:Hardcover
This is the best book I've read whilst trying to understand my anger and learn to maintain loving relationships. It it also one of the shortest. If you like highlighting key paragraphs in your self-help books, then you'll need to make sure your high-lighter is full, because it will get almost constant use!
She presents a very clear idea. Your pain is entirely related to the your childhood. (Be it disrespect, criticism, anger, being ignored, pushed too hard etc). You are acting out this anger now on auto-pilot, without acknowledging where it came from. You can not move-on until you have studied your childhood and FELT (not intellectualised) the pain you felt.
This may not be rocket science, but she presents her argument far more precisely and powerfully than anyone else, and gives some very useful examples to help you uncover the many experiences of your childhood you have locked away. It is even more vital to read and digest if you are becoming a parent.
I'm a convert. I'm reading it a 2nd time (and this time find myself highlighting many of the paragraphs that escaped the first time).
ps. The title threw me a little with the word 'gifted'. It is not about 'wonder / chess / violin playing brain boxes', it is about every child, and how the 'gift' of childhood gets hidden.
She presents a very clear idea. Your pain is entirely related to the your childhood. (Be it disrespect, criticism, anger, being ignored, pushed too hard etc). You are acting out this anger now on auto-pilot, without acknowledging where it came from. You can not move-on until you have studied your childhood and FELT (not intellectualised) the pain you felt.
This may not be rocket science, but she presents her argument far more precisely and powerfully than anyone else, and gives some very useful examples to help you uncover the many experiences of your childhood you have locked away. It is even more vital to read and digest if you are becoming a parent.
I'm a convert. I'm reading it a 2nd time (and this time find myself highlighting many of the paragraphs that escaped the first time).
ps. The title threw me a little with the word 'gifted'. It is not about 'wonder / chess / violin playing brain boxes', it is about every child, and how the 'gift' of childhood gets hidden.
10 of 10 people found the following review helpful
By Ken
Format:Paperback
This book is written with very deep insight, compassion, eloquence, clarity and power. Alice Miller speaks of the vital importance for us to discover our own personal truth that puts us in touch with our true self. As Ms. Miller states it can be very painful to discover our real feelings since many of us have repressed hurt feelings from childhood trauma that we have buried and we have hid these feelings not only from our parents but from ourselves as well.
What I have learned from this remarkable book is that we hide these feelings from our parents so they will `love' us, but it's not our true self that they love since it is these hidden feelings that are the manifestations of who we really are. In its place we give our parents an image of ourselves so as to make them happy. This fulfills their needs but we hide our own since we fear that the expression of our own needs will lead to parental rejection and correspondingly to a loss of their love.
When we hide and suppress these childhood unacknowledged needs then the basis of all our future relationships will be determined by these unrequited needs and they become the unconscious motivations that drive us throughout our adult lives.
It is only by getting in touch with these lost needs that we can begin to discover those missing parts of ourselves. This is just the beginning to true "self discovery" that is, it is the beginning to discovering and becoming who we truly are so that, eventually, we can become who we are truly destined to be.
A fine book indeed.
What I have learned from this remarkable book is that we hide these feelings from our parents so they will `love' us, but it's not our true self that they love since it is these hidden feelings that are the manifestations of who we really are. In its place we give our parents an image of ourselves so as to make them happy. This fulfills their needs but we hide our own since we fear that the expression of our own needs will lead to parental rejection and correspondingly to a loss of their love.
When we hide and suppress these childhood unacknowledged needs then the basis of all our future relationships will be determined by these unrequited needs and they become the unconscious motivations that drive us throughout our adult lives.
It is only by getting in touch with these lost needs that we can begin to discover those missing parts of ourselves. This is just the beginning to true "self discovery" that is, it is the beginning to discovering and becoming who we truly are so that, eventually, we can become who we are truly destined to be.
A fine book indeed.
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Most Recent Customer Reviews
5.0 out of 5 stars
Take a look inside
She give food for thought and reveals how drama's start from an early age, enabling and empowering book. I like it very much!
Published 1 month ago by Sunny
5.0 out of 5 stars
Very insightful
The book has many insights that were new for me. It does confront the reader with his or her own issues and I recognise a lot while reading this book. Read more
Published 1 month ago by Willeke
5.0 out of 5 stars
Be true to your self
Powerful and moving. A lot of people - those in denial - may not get it. It is a challenge to parents and authority and in this society we are deeply conditioned not to question... Read more
Published 3 months ago by martart99
5.0 out of 5 stars
A Classic!
A book every therapist, or abused child needs to read. This women (dead now) was criticised for her extreme views at the time, but there is so much to learn from what she says, a... Read more
Published 4 months ago by basketcase
5.0 out of 5 stars
The truth is so simple but so difficult to accept in my arrogance
I loved that the author made the connection between the expression of repressed emotional trama and the healing process. Read more
Published 5 months ago by Emily
5.0 out of 5 stars
WONDERFUL BOOK
I love this book it is clear and precise and an easy read, it is great for shedding light on the legacy of childhood, and what was missing and what needed to be there for a healthy... Read more
Published 5 months ago by Harriet Monaghan
4.0 out of 5 stars
Thought provoking
The summary as written on line prepared one for this book. No great surprises. Enjoyable to read if this is your taste in literature
Published 6 months ago by pat neale
5.0 out of 5 stars
My Quest
I read all of Miller's books back in the early part of the 90's. At that time I had embarked on 'my quest' to find the answers that I needed in order to make sense of my... Read more
Published 12 months ago by R. J. Krzak
5.0 out of 5 stars
Bought for research wasn't disappointed
This is an excellent overview on the affects of child abuse on an adult. Alice Miller was and still is a force in her field. Read more
Published 14 months ago by Sammy
5.0 out of 5 stars
book
found this book well worth buying, very interesting reading, very though provoking. Would recommend it to psychodynamic students. Good value for money.
Published 18 months ago by chris
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