In "The Dance of Intimacy," Dr. Harriet Lerner outlines the steps to take so that good relationships can be strengthened and difficult ones can be healed. Taking a careful look at those relationships where intimacy is most challenged -- too much distance, too much intensity or too much pain -- she teaches us about the specific changes we can make to achieve a more solid sense of self and a more intimate connectedness with others. Combining clear advice with vivid case examples, Dr. Lerner offers us the most solid, helpful book on intimate relationships that both women and men may ever encounter.
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"A wise and compassionate book that will teach the reader much about the complex emotions our family and love relationships engender."--Lillian B. Rubin, Ph.D., author of Intimate Strangers
From the Back Cover
All intimate relationships can be terribly damaged by too much distance, too much intensity or simply too much pain.
In clear, direct and dramatic terms, feminist psychotherapist Harriet G. Lerner illustrates how we can move differently in these key relationships – be they with a distant or unfaithful spouse, a depressed sister, or difficult mother, an uncommitted lover or a family member that we have written off.
Using poignant examples from case studies and stories from the author's own life 'The Dance of Intimacy' illustrates the steps that women can take towards more solid and intimate relationships with others.
Whatever your definition of intimacy, this book will challenge and broaden it, as the author provides a sound framework for understanding how we get in – and out – of trouble with the most important people in our lives.
--This text refers to an out of print or unavailable edition of this title.
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Most Helpful Customer Reviews
22 of 23 people found the following review helpful
By A Customer
Format:Paperback
This book was loaned to me by a counselor who I had worked with on my way out of an abusive marriage. Longing for a connection with someone who was not abusive, I couldn't understand the distancing that was taking place until I read this book. I also gained valuable insight into why my intense efforts to coerce cooperation from my 3 year old were, in fact, a result of trying to reduce the anger of his abusive father - a triangle I had imposed. The information can be a good tool to help sort out relationships that haven't gone smoothly.
4 of 4 people found the following review helpful
By Vanessa
Format:Paperback
I think Harriet Lerner has succeeded in writing a book that really challenges you to examine yourself and that is insightful as well as useful.Considering this book was written 20 years ago, it's very accurate and relevant. More so than some of the self-help books written today.
Don't be decieved by the simple, accessible writing style. This book isn't just a casual book about relationships. It's about society, family systems and the impact they have on your life, challenging yourself, empowering yourself (and others in your relationships and family) and creating healthy patterns which help you live life and enjoy your existence to the fullest.
I can't say great enough things about this book. There are subtle bits of advice that really help too- like when the author says listen to your subconcious, it's there to protect you. There's a reason why you have evolved the way you have evolved and sometimes it is to protect the status quo, because you are not ready to change. Or when she points out (in accordance with the Bowen's family systems theory) that dysfunctional families are families where there are rigid roles and where the family can't openly talk about anxiety-provoking subjects.
Just a personal note:
This book is especially good if you can't seem to understand why your personal life is filled with so much, emptiness, destructiveness and instability despite appearing to be normal and functional.There is no alcoholism, sexual abuse etc in my family and we're all educated and successful.Yet, something about my life has caused me a deep and dark depression for years. Reading The Dance of Anger and the Dance of Intimacy by Harriet Lerner is a book I've been looking for all my life. It helped me understand why and begin to change it.
Don't be decieved by the simple, accessible writing style. This book isn't just a casual book about relationships. It's about society, family systems and the impact they have on your life, challenging yourself, empowering yourself (and others in your relationships and family) and creating healthy patterns which help you live life and enjoy your existence to the fullest.
I can't say great enough things about this book. There are subtle bits of advice that really help too- like when the author says listen to your subconcious, it's there to protect you. There's a reason why you have evolved the way you have evolved and sometimes it is to protect the status quo, because you are not ready to change. Or when she points out (in accordance with the Bowen's family systems theory) that dysfunctional families are families where there are rigid roles and where the family can't openly talk about anxiety-provoking subjects.
Just a personal note:
This book is especially good if you can't seem to understand why your personal life is filled with so much, emptiness, destructiveness and instability despite appearing to be normal and functional.There is no alcoholism, sexual abuse etc in my family and we're all educated and successful.Yet, something about my life has caused me a deep and dark depression for years. Reading The Dance of Anger and the Dance of Intimacy by Harriet Lerner is a book I've been looking for all my life. It helped me understand why and begin to change it.
21 of 24 people found the following review helpful
By A Customer
Format:Paperback
It may sound pop-psych. It may sound trendy, but there is something to the idea that successful relationships, harmful or healthy, involve the participants moving in tandem. When one tries to change the steps, perhaps toward a healthier mode of behavior and relating, the other partner is likely to try anything to return to the common "dance." It IS helpful to identify these patterns, whatever name you want to give it, whatever "hook" or "spin." Having a common language to identify these behavior patterns is helpful, above all, if that's the only thing you get from the book, though I believe there's much more here than that.
2 of 2 people found the following review helpful
By A. Davies
Format:Paperback
This book will change the way you deal with your relationships - it unpicks how they work and you see how you coulld change things without being preached at.
12 of 14 people found the following review helpful
By A Customer
Format:Paperback
This book was recommended to me at a very difficult time in my life. It helped me develop new ways of dealing with problematic relationships and people by first looking at my reactions and how I dealt with the situation. I truly believe that this is the best way because we all have the ability to be happy in our relationships if we are able to calmly work through problems and keep in mind the guidelines that the book provides.
1 of 1 people found the following review helpful
By Indigo
Format:Paperback
highly recommended book, really helped me out of a sticky friendship situation, a friendship i wanted to keep but couldn't see a way of doing. reading this provided me with the tools i needed to protect myself enough to protect the friendship.
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By Ez
Format:Paperback
Really accessible writing style, based on sound family systems therapy, full of great case studies and of practical use to work on oneself.
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Most Recent Customer Reviews
1.0 out of 5 stars
rubbish
I got this on advice from my health visitor. Took one look and it was not for me. I found it a load of rubbish
Published 20 months ago by happymummy
3.0 out of 5 stars
Very insightful unless you suffer from PTSD
I ordered the books (anger.deception.intimacy) from the author and I enjoyed them. However,something that I noticed was that the author does not anywhere acknowledge her clients... Read more
Published on 19 Mar 1999
1.0 out of 5 stars
If you were seriously abused by your mother, do not read
The author apparently does not have a very wide awareness of life's possibilities. Her main point is that all you have to do is to communicate with your mother, and you will find... Read more
Published on 11 Mar 1998
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