The Chap Almanac: An Esoterick Yearbook for the Decadent Gentleman [Hardcover]

Praise for ‘The Chap Manifesto’:

‘It is meant to be a joke but, frankly, makes more sense to us than anything we've chanced across in ages. Inspired.’ Jockey Slut

‘In a world so utterly devoid of spiritual meaning and good manners it can only be a matter of time before millions are clamouring to follow “The Sacraments Of Grooming” and “The Way Of The Trouser”. Alas, so very few are chosen.’ Sleazenation

From the authors of the bestselling Chap Manifesto comes a yearbook for the sleek of trouser and loose of moral.

Sartorius, Epicurus, Libido… these are the signs of the Chap zodiac. If The Chap Manifesto was a call to arms – gentlemen of the world unite, you have exquisite manners to maintain! – then The Chap Almanac is a practical guide on how to uphold these standards through the year.

In the tradition of Old Moore’s Almanac, The Chap Almanac is packed full of handy hits for Chaps everywhere, from 'Do It Yossouf': 'How to Get your Moroccan Manservant to Do your DIY' to 'How to Keep your Skin Pale' whilst on summer holiday. Each month is accompanied by a Chapist sign of the zodiac including; Libido (February), 'The Fellow who Devotes the Entire Month to Lascivious Pursuits'; and Antiquarius (October), 'The Collector of Dusty Tomes who Settles Down to a Winter of Literary Pursuits'.

Elsewhere, Gustav Temple, Vic Darkwood and their team of writers guide us through the potentially tricky dates of the year, such as March 16th, the anniversary of the first FA Cup Final of 1872, with advice on 'How to Deflect Conversations About Football', as well as dates to take advantage of, including February 29th, 'How to Encourage a Lady to Propose to You During a Leap Year'.

Sartorius, Epicurus, Libido… these are the signs of the Chap zodiac. If THE CHAP MANIFESTO was a call to arms – gentlemen of the world unite, you have exquisite manners to maintain! – then THE CHAP ALMANAC is a practical guide on how to uphold these standards through the year. In the tradition of OLD MOORE’S ALMANAC, THE CHAP ALMANAC is packed full of handy hits for Chaps everywhere, from 'Do It Yossouf': 'How to Get your Moroccan Manservant to Do your DIY' to 'How to Keep your Skin Pale' whilst on summer holiday. Each month is accompanied by a Chapist sign of the zodiac including; Libido (February), 'The Fellow who Devotes the Entire Month to Lascivious Pursuits'; and Antiquarius (October), 'The Collector of Dusty Tomes who Settles Down to a Winter of Literary Pursuits'.

Elsewhere, Gustav Temple, Vic Darkwood and their team of writers guide us through the potentially tricky dates of the year, such as March 16th, the anniversary of the first FA Cup Final of 1872, with advice on 'How to Deflect Conversations About Football', as well as dates to take advantage of, including February 29th, 'How to Encourage a Lady to Propose to You During a Leap Year'.

Gustav Temple and Vic Darkwood live in a splendid set of rooms in Pimlico with their eccentric Egyptian factotum, Felicien. Virtually unemployable, Temple and Darkwood while away their days translating the Bhagavad-Gita into instructions for their tailor, and designing labour-saving devices such as the Martinismade and the hands-free snuff box.

The Art of Good Husbandry
St Valentine's Day has always been a good opportunity to give vent to Cupid's urges. The general presence of flowers and chocolates wafting through the streets puts a little pep and ginger into a man's footfall, imbuing him with the requisite valour to march up to a lady and request the pleasure of her company on the grand voyage that is marriage. It is worth bearing in mind, however, that the sophisticated lady of today has made a few alterations to her shopping list when it comes to looking for Mr. Right. Gone are the days when the weary worker could return to his coop for an evening of dry martinis, freshly laundered shirts and a hearty meal, followed by a vigorous bout of canoodling with a pretty and willing wifelet.

It appears that while we gentlemen have been busy perfecting our cigarette lighting techniques and conducting amusing experiments with hair lacquer, the ladies have not been as quiescent as we perhaps imagined. Many of them have found cause to suspect that they too are entitled to a life of sitting at a desk for eight hours, in between three gruelling hours of commuting, relieved only by the occasional opportunity to bark orders at some subordinate. The resulting state of affairs resembles something of a volte-face within the marital home of today.

Most of today's ladies have jobs; of this we can be sure. These are a far cry from the feminine tasks of yesteryear, such as polishing bombs or cleaning aeroplanes. Today's professional lady can command six-figure salaries and some even have their own offices. To the staunch gentleman of leisure, this situation can be of more benefit than it sounds. Within the bond of Holy Matrimony, we will be permitted to spend the entire day abandoning ourselves to the muse (while the muse herself goes out and earns a crust), giving full vent to the artistic creations that well within us like a dormant Vesuvius.

Do not, however, allow yourself to get too carried away. As the day draws to a close, you can expect your beloved to arrive home after a hard day on mammon's exercise wheel and it is at this juncture that you must lay down your notebook/harpsichord/tapestry wheel and devote your attentions to her comfort. Here is a step by step guide to maintaining a happy modern marital home.
1. Prepare yourself for Mrs Chap's homecoming. Refresh yourself, wash off any stains you may have incurred during the day, and perhaps put a clean tie on. Be a little gay and interesting to your wife, for she will have spent the day with dull, ambitious people. Take her mind away from office politics by reading her a fragment of verse, plucking her a song on your lyre or by dancing a merry jig around her as she tries to barge past you into the nuptial home with her bulging briefcase.
2. Have a large, stiff drink ready as soon as Mrs Chap walks through the door. Take large draughts of it as you listen raptly to her account of her day. Perhaps even offer her a drink herself, if she feels like one. Many women are quite hungry when arriving home from work, so this might be a good time to enquire about dinner. If your wife's proposed menu is to your satisfaction, then you might want to help her put the apron on. If it is not, then this would be a good time to begin perusing the drawerful of takeaway menus in the kitchen.
3. Over dinner, speak in a low and soothing voice and listen carefully to your wife's conversation. Let her speak first, for her topics of conversation are much more important than yours. As soon as the meal is over, offer to make an appraisal of the evening's televisual offerings while she washes the dishes. This will give her a sense of being cared for and nurtured.
4. When it comes to bedtime, your wife will need several minutes in the bathroom to lovelify herself for the boudoir. Make this easier for her by not making her wait too long outside the bathroom while you apply your hair net and de-wax your moustache. As every gentleman knows, these nocturnal grooming procedures can take up to an hour, so reward your wife for her patience by planting a mouthwash-enlivened kiss on her forehead as you relinquish the bathroom.
5. When it comes to intimate relations with your wife, it is important to remember that the modern lady has quite radical views on this matter. In all aspects of conjugal unpleasantness, be led by her wishes and wait for her to make the first move. Should your wife suggest congress, then accede humbly, being mindful that the woman's satisfaction is more important than the man's. When she reaches her moment of fulfilment, a small moan from yourself is encouraging, and quite sufficient to indicate any enjoyment you may have had. Should your wife suggest any of the more unusual sexual practices, get out of bed and give her a brief illustrated lecture on the dangers of syphilis and gonorrhoea. It is likely that your wife will fall promptly asleep immediately after lovemaking. This would be a good time to set the alarm clock for her, and put on a sturdy pair of earmuffs so it doesn't wake you up in the morning.
6. Preparations for the morning's breakfast should ideally be made the night before. This means that your wife will not have to be doing with such things first thing in the morning. When you arise, some four hours after she has left for the office, it makes a pleasant start to the afternoon to find a tray in the kitchen with teapot, cup, saucer, jug of milk, and a casserole full of fresh kedgeree in the oven.