The 50-Mile Rule: Your Guide to Infidelity and Extramarital Etiquette [Paperback]

This is the second book on the subject that I've read. The first was "How to have an affair and never get caught," which wasn't worth the time or money for me. This book is very different. I would not skip a chapter in this book -- read it from cover to cover. It operates on the premise that you have decided to have an affair, or at least are not "anti". First it provides you with some rationale or rationalization as to why people have affairs. It goes through the four basic stages of an affair, gives 20 very useful rules for having one, and goes into detail about each one. The only thing it didn't cover was how to start an affair -- maybe if you have to ask how, you "can't afford one" as they say. If you are against affairs, this is not the book for you. But if you want a fair and reasonably balanced approach to minimizing the consequences, this is the book for you.

I realize this is a highly sensitive topic and lots of people have different opinions. It is also true that although most people aspire to and certainly expect fidelity, many people end up straying despite good intentions. One school of thought on how to best handle this is to hide the facts, which is what this author holds out as the gold standard of behavior. The rationale is that sharing this information would hurt the other partner and that since affairs are basically unavoidable, if you love someone you are almost morally obligated to hide the truth. This doesn't sound like love to me, but if you subscribe to this line of reasoning you will be very happy with all of the suggestions this author has for disorienting your partner, avoiding the responsibility of an authentic relationship and addressing relationship problems or issues head-on and co-creating a win-win situation (or making a difficult decision that your partner may not like).

This author is obviously intelligent and her book is entertaining. It is fairly well-organized and it does recognize the difficulty of struggling with the shame and guilt associated with affairs and the lack of cultural understanding of how people's social and mating agendas are often in conflict. I think Ms. Brandt is compassionate, but misguided in some fundamental ways and I disagree with her approach for reasons that I explain in more detail below. If you were turned off by my review so far, you may not want to read on.

As a personal growth coach, I regularly work with clients who are on the receiving end of an affair. My experience is that it is NOT the extra-marital sex itself that is the most basic problem, but rather the fact that one has been deceived by someone who is in a position of extreme trust. It goes without saying that both people are extremely vulnerable emotionally.

I'm not sure one can call something an authentic relationship if it is characterized by deception i.e. outright lying, half-truths and lies of omission. This seems to run contrary to the very definition of love. In my opinion, if you read this book and in your heart-of-hearts you can say that this is how you would want YOUR partner to behave toward you, then I would say it's a good fit. If not, I would suggest either Private Lies: Infidelity and Betrayal of Intimacy or Will Our Love Last?: A Couple's Road Map for either dealing with these temptations or coming to agreements that work. Another good book in this genre is Conscious Loving: The Journey to Co-Committment.

I have compassion for people who cheat on their partner and on the partner cheated on. I think in these situations both people suffer and often other innocent parties such as children are hurt by the fallout. Marriage and commitment is certainly a difficult road to travel and some situations are very difficult. Life is not clean and simple and while affairs do happen, I'm not sure the answer for the society at large is this approach. Certainly, our inherited biology makes being loyal a challenge, but I suspect there is a benefit in struggling with these tendencies. An interesting perspective on our evolutionary tendencies around this area can be gained from reading the The Evolution of Desire: Strategies of Human Mating. This book explains that both sexes do indeed have short and long term mating strategies that are hardwired and at odds. It's a great book, however, it doesn't go into the fact that we are hardwired to bond in as great detail or talk about the fact that we may have evolved to a point where we can hold our biology with respect and choose to act in a manner consistent with our values. I think this is a point that this book misses and instead of encouraging us to reach higher, it seems to encourage us to regress.

If you want a good read on the biology of love and bonding, then you might try A General Theory of Love. This provides more balance to the picture. While it may come across as so, this review is not meant to be judgmental or moralistic. I understand how difficult it is to struggle with temptation, admit difficult truths to your partner, etc. One way to look at these are things to hide, another is as steppingstones to growth and intimacy. This is where my bias lies and if what I have observed in my practice is true, for most people affairs are often nothing more than very temporary, but costly pain killers. In many cases, affairs seem to make a bad marriage bearable, which often leads to partners not facing their problems together from the same side and working out a solution that serves both people and the family.

This review is my opinion and I tried to be balanced. There are many reviewers who are outraged and others that think this is great stuff. What I tried to offer here is what I have learned from my own experience, extensive reading on this topic and working with couples. My intent is not to slam the author or make people who have affairs feel "bad" or "ashamed." What I so want to offer is another perspective that will be useful to some and not useful to others. However, I think if you are entertaining something as serious as an affair with lots of potential consequences, you might want to try out many different perspectives before making a decision that can cause your life to come crashing down around your ears overnight. I believe people are responsible for their choices and the more their choices effect others, the more responsibility is involved. I'm sure there are many readers out there who share this view and I suspect that even those struggling with strong temptation in some cases for very real and painful reasons can see the grain of truth in this point of view as well.

This book contains some real insight into motivations for getting married, staying married, and cheating that were real eye-openers. Her advice for cheaters and singles dating cheaters is fabulous. However, I was disappointed that her discussion of cheating by WOMEN was essentially limited to saying 'he or she' in any given sentence. This book was written about married men sleeping with single women. Period. Granted that is probably the most common and complicated form of adultery but what about situations where BOTH affair partners are married or just the woman is married? These possibilities are barely mentioned specifically. There are some very different and frankly, more complicated emotional issues involved when women cheat. The author generalizes too much saying that married women will ditch a husband to trade up for better resources - look at all the uneven marraiges where attractive female breadwinners stay with their beer-bellied, unsuccessful apparent oafs even with no kids! Capable women form motherly attachments to their husbands and when those women have affairs with they generate very complicated feelings about maintaining the status quo at home. Anyway, I expected more from a female author. BUT READ IT ANYWAY, LADIES. IT IS WORTHWILE AND ONLY TAKES A DAY OR 2 TO FINISH.