SHOCK RISE IN BANK RATES While the wizard world is in a state of euphoria following one of its greatest ever happenings, a black note has struck rich & poor alike. The rate of borrowing has risen to a staggering 35% api while the rate of return from investment has been cut to 0.2%. The spokesman for Gringotts Bank, Mr Gimli Gadget, informed our representative that the rate rises have been backdated to the day of the Dark Lords` demise. The reason for the staggering rise was given as "the comprehensive repairs needed to the bank superstructure following the events resulting from the robbery of the Lestrange vault. Plus new offices for manager Griphook in the penthouse. Bank authorities have warned that unfavourable action WILL be taken against those found attempting to move funds to offshore accounts. viz. Their assets will be impounded & the bank will make a monthly living allowance of 20 galleons per family. As was reported some days back, we have already seen the financial ruin of one of our more prestigeous pure-blood families, the Malfroys, who were subsequently forced to put their stately home on the market, along with many acoutrements. On the lighter side, however, the increasing fortune of two of our more enterprising entrepreneurs has allowed them to purchase said manor house for a recording studio for the up & coming group "TOOTPTS" and the Burrow Rock Record label.
INVESTIGATION COMPLETE IN BLAST ENDED SKREWT INQUIRY!!!
The Department for the Regulation and Control of Magical Creatures has released the results of their six month investigation into the inquiry of possible illegal breeding of the creature called a Blast Ended Skrewt.
Department head Bob Crouch,(No relation to Barty "Batty" Crouch thank you very much), is quoted as saying "After an exhaustive investigation we can find no trace of the creature called the Blast Ended Skrewt. There are rumors that this creature was used in the Triwizard Tournament a few years back, but no one will confirm this, and as most of the major participants are dead or living in other countries, well there is really no way to confirm their existence. The Blast Ended Skrewt was definitely not listed on the Dangerous Magical Creatures list that was provided to the Ministry by tournament officials". Mr. Crouch did confirm that he personally interviewed Hogwarts Care of Magical Creatures Professor, Rubeus Hagrid, but all he would say was that Mr. Hagrid cooperated fully and no wrong doing could be PROVEN. Mr. Crouch advised the file is now closed on this investigation and no further action will be taken unless further evidence is presented.
In related news regarding The Department for the Regulation and Control of Magical Creatures, when the Goblins of Gringott's came to Hogwarts to reclaim their dragon, it had mysteriously disappeared. There is now an open investigation into this matter. We will update you as events unfold.
We are pleased to announce that frequent contributor, Grawp Hagrid, has received degrees from the University of Hogsmeade in Magical Philosophy, Economics and Statistics. We could not be prouder. Mr. Hagrid had this to say "I must thank all the people who have helped me get to where I am today. Of course none of this would have been possible without the love and assistance of my big brother, Rubeus Hagrid, and the staff at Hogwarts School and Hogsmeade University for taking a chance on an unknown Giant. With their love and encouragement I have been able to achieve my goals, and show the wizarding world that Giants are not a bunch of illiterate, brainless bullies. I have shown that the facade we Giants show, of brutality and ignorance, is our defense mechanism against a cruel and heartless world. I am proud to be a representative of my race". Mr. Hagrid confirmed that he is mulling several career oppurtunities, including Professor of Philosophy at Hogsmeade University, Head of Economics and Finance at the Ministry of Magic, and Head of the Giant, Goblin and Centaur Liasion office at the Ministry of Magic. Mr. Hagrid stated "The choices are varied and challenging. I will have a hard time making the right decision, but I have faith I will get there in the end." We at the Magical Intellect, the monthly magical magazine for the Wizarding intellectual, wish Mr. Hagrid all the best in his future endeavours.
"Blimey" thought Hagrid as he awoke the next morning, "I have got to lay off the home brew"
Love these posts! (Can't think of one for the life of me, but love reading them.) Keep going, we all need a good laugh.
Notice how some of the most popular threads are the ones that do some sort of parody of Harry Potter? I sort of like to think of it as being the same way you can tease your really good friends because you know all their foibles, but love them anyway.
Fantastic Ashley --- where do you think up your ideas? I usually come up with mine while I`m mucking out first thing in the morning & jot down notes on a piece of paper. Got to go now --- more cycle training for the local kids Will add another editorial later.
Morning Hayley. I love these posts as well, the rejected lines too. You are awesome at the rejected lines. I can never think quickly enough to come up with the one liners. I loved the "Magical Guide to Contraception" one... Classic!!!! The books had a lot of humor as well and I figure that is part of the reason we loved them so.
Mary-Ann, where do I think up my ideas? Everywhere...shower, driving, food shopping, house cleaning... LOL. The Grawp one came to me last night as I was trying to get to sleep. I have to say that I love the way we have started playing off each other's posts. I would never have thought of home brew if not for you... :)
It has been reported that on the evening of October 31st at Glastonbury Abbey, there was quite ruckus, obviously some Guy Fawkes night revelers started celebrating early. Order was quickly restored and hopefully we will have a tamer celebration on the 5th.
Glastonbury Magical Weekly November 1st 2001
BATTLE OF THE BANDS GET OUT OF HAND!!!
On the evening of this year's annual Fall Festival at Glastonbury Abbey the evening entertainment got a bit out of hand. It appears that up and coming rival bands, "Draco and the Death Eaters" and "The DA" got into a fight backstage. One eye witness stated that it all started when one of the members of "Draco and the Death Eaters" made a disparaging remark about the Grandmother of a member of "The DA". Apparently the fight was then on, with jinxes flying everywhere. The fighting was so intense that it broke through all the Anti-Muggle enchantments, thus exposing the festival to several curious Muggles. Security quickly restored order and all Anti-Muggle enchantments. Event organizer, Cornelius Fudge, was quoted as saying "That is the LAST time I book those two bands for the same event, their antics make the Giant Wars look tame." Head of the Giant, Goblin, and Centaur Liasion office, Grawp Hagrid stated "That remark shows the kind of prejudice that my race has been fighting for centuries, but what else could you expect from Cornelius "Goblin Crusher" Fudge." Mr. Hagrid went on to add, "To the contibutors of the amazon.uk forum, lay off Hagrid's dad and my mum, or I will show you what a REAL GIANT can do." We at Glastonbury Magical Weekly would like to express that the views quoted in our paper do not express the views of our magazine.
Flourish and Blotts Monthly Readers Guide January 1990
FLOURISH AND BLOTTS EMPLOYEE HAS BOOK PUBLISHED!!!
We at Flourish and Blotts are proud to reveal that our very own stockboy, Joseph Kneavel Roland, has published his 1st book. The book is a children's book set in the Muggle World. The title of the book is "Barry Trotter and the Rugby Team" Joe has advised the plot of the book is the adventures of Barry Trotter and his friends, Donald Peasley, and Herman Ranger. The books take place at their Muggle school, Boarshead Academy, where they have many Muggle adventures and battles with Barry's arch nemesis, Drake Malcontent. Joe has stated that if this book is a success, he may make it a series. We at Flourish and Blotts are eagerly awaiting the release on Januray 15th 1990. Come by for a autographed copy.
Ashley, sorry, I accidentaly deleted my last post, but I am glad you liked it, anyway i'll write another one now. Your one was really funny by the way.
CORNELIUS FUDGE EATS GOBLIN
This morning when a group of reporters called to his house, Cornelius Fudge quickly slammed the door in their faces, it seems he was in fear of them spotting something inside, however he was unsuccesful in blocking this. They got a lot of photos of a goblin tied to a table and it was missing an ear, a leg and an arm. Mr Fudge ( the ex-minister ) denied in an interview this evening that he had ever eaten any part of a goblin,but he was unable to explain why there were photos of a half eaten goblin in his house. Mr Fudge will be sent to Azkaban for 3 years and he has aso been charged 1600 galleons by an Animal Rights organisation.
XENOPHILIUS LOVEGOOD GIVEN COMPENSATION 1st December 2006
Xenophilius Lovegood ( editor of The Quibbler ) has often been descriminated against for his far-fetched stories, of course this didn't change when he wrote that Cornelius Fudge was plotting to kill goblins. However, yesterday Cornelius Fudge got fined and arrested for eating a goblin, and Xenophilius Lovegood got 500 galleons for compensation, because he was falsely descriminated against. This is what he said, when he was asked what he was going to do with the money,'' I was delighted to get the money, and I knew that I was always right about Fudge'', he said,'' my daughter and I are going to use the money to help in our search for the Crumple Horned Snorckack''. The full interview can be seen on page 4.
Daily Prophet 14th April 1999 FLOREANS ICE CREAM VENTURE LEADS TO MUGGLE MAYHEM The new venture for Daigon Alley ice cream parlour owner, Florean Fortescue has been curtailed by intervention from the Wizgamot. Florean, 42, obtained an ice cream van being sold on the muggle internet site Ebay & had it converted by the production team of Magic Motors, manufacturers of the Knight Bus. It was subsequently operated by his new temporary employee, Ron Weasley, on a gap year prior to signing up for Auror training. The venture proved too successful, causing much unrest in the realms of the muggle competition.The Ministry of Magic have now put a restraining order on Mr Fortescue & his employee, allowing them only to apperate, sorry operate, within wizarding domains. Mr. Fortescue would not be interviewed, but was said to be extremely peeved, as the muggle income had considerably increased his profits in the present financial climate. Mr. Weasleys` comments were more pointed,& to the effect that his fatherless brother should keep his extremely long proboscis out of other peoples affairs.
Kent & Sussex Weekly Gazette Friday 13th April 1999
NEW ICE CREAM WARS The independent ice cream traders in the south of England, working under licence to Mr. Softee, & Mr. Whippy are up in arms against a rogue trader who apparently persists in arriving just ahead of them at their most lucrative destinations. The van, bearing the sign "Mr. Fortescues Frozen Fancies" is manned by a ginger haired youth. We sent our roving reporter to investigate. He was unable to come up with a sighting of the van, himself, but interviews with some of the children in the targeted areas were extremely interesting. The van apparently "appears round the corner as if by magic when the tunes from the ordinary ice cream vans are playing". "People in the little adverts on the sides run about & talk to you". The ice creams are "out of this world" When I asked what flavours were their favourites I found the answers most disconcerting, they apparently "taste of what you want them to taste of". One young lady went into a little more detail , " you can get Ever changing rainbow lollies. Hopping frog choc ices & almost- everlasting black cornets where the ice cream keeps filling up `til midnight,they`re really good if you can buy one first thing in the morning", she said. I personally feel that a sample these confections should be sent to the department of food for analysis of suspected narcotic content, but so far no adult has been able to get hold of one.
Brilliant!!! I always eagerly await your posts.....
The Quibbler March 2007
Letter from the Editor:
It is with great sadness as well as great pride that I announce my retirement. Sadness as I will miss enlightening the Wizarding world of the news that other publications are afraid to print. We at the Quibbler have always been the light that leads the way in exposing corruption and conspiracies. Whether it be the fact that former Minister of Magic Rufus Scrimgeour was a vampire, or that former Hogwarts High Inquistor, Delores Umbridge is part troll, we have always revealed the truth, no matter how unpopular. My pride is due to the fact that I pass the reins of this monthly periodical into my daughter's, Luna Lovegood-Weasley's, capable hands. I know that as I begin my adventures in the hunt for the elusive Crumple Horned Snorckack, that my daughter will continue to expose the truth to all our loyal readers. With great love, I wish you good-bye.
Sincerely, Xenophilius Lovegood Editor-In-Chief of the Quibbler 1967-2007
The Daily Prophet April 1st 2007
It is with great sadness that we report the death of fellow journalist, Xenophilius Lovegood. Mr.Lovegood was in Africa researching his favorite hobby, the Crumple Horned Snorckack, when he was regrettably gored by an African Erumpent and exploded. He is survived by his daughter, Luna Lovegood-Weasley, repected author and editor of The Quibbler, son-in-law George Weasley, owner of Weasleys' Wizard Wheezes and the Chudley Cannons, and grand-children Fred, Dean and Dobby Weasley. A memorial service will be held on April 5th 2007 in Ottery St. Catchpole, there will not be a burial as unfortunatley there were not enough remains to bury. We at the Daily Prophet, although we did have some objections to Mr. Lovegood's "journalistic" style, regret his passing.
HORACE SLUGHORN STUCK IN DOOR. September 21st 2001
Earlier today a professor at Hogwarts, Horace Slughorn, was chasing after a student that he wanted to put in detention, when he charged through a door and got stuck in it. Everyone is very confused as to what to do, but it seems that the only option is for the DADA teacher to blow up the wall. Repairs on the walls however, might cost thousands, because the walls of Hogwarts can not be repaired with Reparo. Currently, they are considerin whether or not to blow up the wall. We will give you an update on this story tomorrow at 12.00.
Thanks Jimminy, poor Horace, or maybe poor Hogwarts... LOL
The Daily Prophet February 15th 1990
Magical Monthly Book Review
This months book review choices:
"Magical Me" an autobiography by Gilderoy Lockhart
Reviewer Rita Skeeter had this to say:
"What a magical book this is." "I opened this book and entered the fascinating world of five time winner of Witch's Weekly's Most-Charming-Smile Award, Gilderoy Lockhart." "What a wondrous world it is too, you will be on the edge of your seat as you read of his courageous battles against terrifying Trolls, and villanious Vampires." "His bravery and understanding of the less fortunate species among us is awe inspiring." "On those evenings that you are safely ensconced in your favorite chair by the fire, open this book and be transported on an adventure that you can only dream of."
"Barry Trotter and The Rugby Team" a children's book by Joseph Kneavel Roland
Reviewer Rita Skeeter had this to say:
"Drivel, absolute drivel, the supposed adventures of a boring Muggle boy named, Barry Trotter and his equally boring friends." "I know other reviewers have touted this as a masterpiece of children's literature, but it is hardly comparable to "The Tales of Beedle the Bard", or that other children's classic, "Magical Creatures and Me" by Gilderoy Lockhart." "The fact that the author has advised that this may the start of a series, makes me shudder." "On those evenings that you are ensconced in front of the fire and suffering from accute insomnia, this is the book for you."
Page 4 BOMB DEFUSED Yesterday an unexploded world war 2 bomb were found behind a tennament block, Grimmuld Place in north west London, by some workmen carrying out repairs to a gas main at No. 10 Grimmuld Place. Personnel from the army bomb disposal squad managed to successfully defuse the bomb despite a dispute breaking out about careless behaviour. The bomb was removed to a suitable location at sea & exploded.
Daily Prophet 20th October 2002
ORDERS EX H.Q.ALMOST FOUND The once secret H.Q. of the Order of the Phoenix, now holding an exhibition of Voldemort memorabilia, was in grave danger of muggle discovery yesterday, when a second world war bomb was found at the back of the Grimmuld Place tennament block. Chief executive & technician of the Muggle Artefact & Liason Office, Mr. A. weasley, volunteered to be present at the defusing & removal of the bomb. In order to achieve close range observation, we are told, he wore an invisibility cloak. Due to the cramped nature of the site, he was bumped into several times by members of the disposal squad, which led to disputes between the muggles. We are pleased to report a positive outcome, the bomb was defused & removed,luckily for Mr. Weasley, & No. 12 remained undiscovered. Whilst examining the site following the bomb`s removal,Mr Weasley located a bomb shelter hidden by magic wards at the rear of No.12. This was found to contain a number of interesting artefacts belonging to the Black Family that were obviously put there in later years. These included a black Lambretta with registration REG405, some farings from a 1960`s Triumph Bonneville, & 2 paintings obviously of Sirius & Regulus Black, stuffed into a rubbish bag. Mr. Harry Potter, the owner of the establishment took immediate interest in the paintings which now have pride in his large ranch-style property,south of Godrics Hollow. The Lambretta was given Mr. Ron Weasley after finding it had similar properties to Sirius` motorbike, his wife Hermione can now travel in style,-- given her aversion to broomsticks Mr Arthur Weasley is known, at present, to be avidly scanning ebay for a 1960`s Triumph Bonneville to tinker with.
Nice to know Arthur is still tinkering.. I am sure Molly is THRILLED.... :)
The Daily Inquisitor May 15th 1996
RODOLPHUS LESTRANGE SUES WIFE FOR DIVORCE, NAMES YOU-KNOW-WHO AS CO-DEFENDENT!!!!
Rodolphus Lestrange of LeStrange Manse, Wiltshire, has filed a petition with the Wizengamot to dissolve his marriage with one Bellatrix, nee Black, Lestrange. Mr. Lestrange cited You-Know-Who as a co-defendent. Mr.Lestrange was quoted as saying, "I am tired of her hero worship and obvious preference for The Dark Lord." He added bitterly, "She is always saying, Why can't you be more like the Dark Lord...The Dark Lord would not torture THAT WAY....The Dark Lord is SUCH a genius." He added, "Frankly I am beginning to think that she just married me for my Pure Blood status and my family's wealth." He advised "It will be a cold day in Hades, before she will get ahold of my money." Mrs.Lestrange could not be reached for comment, and none of our reporters were stupid enough to attempt to get a comment from You-Know-Who.