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Showing 1-25 of 1000 posts in this discussion
Initial post: 24 Aug 2007 10:32:39 BDT
Morning everyone, I know that you have tabloids in the UK as we do in the US. Here goes

M.O.M. HEAD OF MUGGLE REGISTRATION COMMITTEE MEMBER DELORES UMBRIDGE HAS KITTENS

A source close to Ms. Umbridge confimed today that Ms.Umbridge gave birth to a litter of kittens. The source was quoted as saying "Who knows who the father is, but this is a blight on the face of half breeds everywhere, have you ever seen the cross betwen a toad and a kitten??? Hope that you never do". Ms Umbridge was unavailable for comment.

In reply to an earlier post on 24 Aug 2007 10:43:47 BDT
ha ha ha. very funny. like your way of thinking!

In reply to an earlier post on 24 Aug 2007 12:37:47 BDT
Thank you kind sir...

MASS EPEDIMIC OF SPATTERGROIT AT HOGWARTS. SCHOOL QUARANTINED!!!!

It has been reported that there has been a mass outbreak of Spattergroit at Hogwarts, unidentifed school officials have advised the disease can be traced to one Ronald Weasley.
When Mrs. Molly Weasley of the Burrow was contacted she vehemently denied that her son was the carrier. Mrs. Weasley was quoted as saying "My Ronald does not have Spattergroit, he is on a camping trip with that lovely Harry Potter and that two-timing Hermione Granger. They are hunting hiccups or something like that to destroy You-Know- Who."
The Rumor is that the entire Weasley family is now in hiding since they have now become "Undersirables # 2-10" on the M.O.M. most wanted list.
One Percy Weasley of the Arse Kissing of Superiors Department at the M.O.M was quoted as saying "Do not lump me with those knuckleheads"

In reply to an earlier post on 24 Aug 2007 13:40:35 BDT
Last edited by the author on 24 Aug 2007 13:43:28 BDT
TEACHER CLEANED UP

A bulletin has been sent to us reporting an incident at Hogwarts School of Wizardry.
Our sources confirm that twin students took a de-greasing tank from the engineering section of the Department of Muggle Studies to set up as a display in the Entrance Hall purportedly to demonstrate degreasing the engine of an ancient Ford Anglia that they were restoring, however after some 15 minutes, according to our informant, the schools`Potions Master was observed contained within the tank.
Reports from matron, Poppy Pomfrey, say it will take several weeks to restore his normal lank looks, & in the meantime two kind fourth form students, Padma & Parvati Patil have agreed to set him up with beaded plaits.
The two offending students have been temporarily suspended ---- from the ceiling of Griffindor Common Room , out of harms way.

Very good Ashley B.

In reply to an earlier post on 24 Aug 2007 13:58:45 BDT
[Deleted by the author on 24 Aug 2007 17:43:52 BDT]

In reply to an earlier post on 24 Aug 2007 17:51:22 BDT
Good one Mary-Ann

DELORES JANE UMBRIDGE IS A MEMBER OF DA!!!!!

An unidentified source has revealed that Delores Umbridge former High Inquisitor of Hogwarts is a member of Deatheater's Anonymous. When reached for comment Ms. Umbridge said "Yes I have been a proud member of DA for over sixteen years now. I prefer to torture by the rules and regulations of the M.O.M, and since I make the rules and regulations, well that is all the more fun for me." Ms. Umbridge when asked what made her leave the Deatheater organization replied, " Well the uniform just did not work for me, have you seen those robes and death masks?? Hideous!! They would not allow me to wear my pink cashmere twin sets and hair bows, and you know when you let standards go like that anything can happen." Ms. Umbridge did add this comment "For a while there I thought that I would maybe marry that hunky Severus Snape, but he has some unrequited love thing for a Mudblood.... So Boring."
Severus Snape Headmaster at Hogwarts could not be reached for comment.

In reply to an earlier post on 24 Aug 2007 19:01:02 BDT
THIS JUST IN:
Notorious PureBlood spokesman, Lucius Malfoy, has been spotted clubbing on London's West End with Muggle Model Claudia Schiffer. "It takes all kinds, I guess."said Claudia's friend Mary-Kate. "Although some guys look good with long hair, the dude needs to drop the cane."
Under-Secretary Umbridge was heard commenting on "Lucius' liking for blondes"
Narcissa Malfoy was unavailable for comment.

In reply to an earlier post on 25 Aug 2007 00:12:34 BDT
Ashley B. I think your deleted post asked for something written about Filch, but I had to go & teach some kids cycling proficiency then, so here goes.....

EVENING SEER 11th June 1995
Obituaries:
It is with great regret that we report the death of Argus Filch, the well loved and much respected caretaker of Hogwarts School of Wizardry and of his faithful familiar, the cat Mrs. Norris.
His recent abscence of several days was brought to the notice of the school authorities & search parties were set up. Yesterday several bones identified as those belonging to a human skeleton were found by the gamekeeper Professor Rubeus Hagrid on the edge of the Forbidden Forest.Although insufficient for formal identification, these are assumed by investigators to be the remains of Mr. Filch & Mrs. Norris. The Culprit is thought to be Professor Hagrids 3 headed dog, Fluffy. The Ministry has issued a destruction order on the said creature, but it has so far evaded capture.
Our deepest sympathies go to Mr. Filches` surviving relatives & the pupils & staff at Hogwarts, who will undoubtedly be distraught at his untimely demise.

In reply to an earlier post on 25 Aug 2007 00:18:27 BDT
Last edited by the author on 25 Aug 2007 00:33:54 BDT
LOL. That was a good one.... My previous post was actually to congratulate you on making Filch's dreams come true... George and Fred being suspended from the ceiling.

The Daily Harpy: July 31,1998
GILDEROY LOCKHART AND DELORES UMBRIDGE MARRY IN SURPRISE CEREMONY!!

We have been notified of the nuptials of Gilderoy Lockhart and Delores Umbridge. Ms. Umbridge was allowed a day's leave from Azkaban Prison to attend the ceremony at St.Mungo's Hospital. The groom was a bit confused but looked happy to have his picture taken and graciously offered his autograph to all attendees. Ms. Umbridge told this reporter that she and Mr. Lockhart had met through the Azkaban Prison/St. Mungo's pen pal program. She advised that it only took her 3-4 letters to realize Mr.Lockhart was the Wizard of her dreams. She did say it is a bit disconcerting that he cannot remember her, but as she wisely stated all relationships have their challenges. The ceremony was beautiful with a cake with bewitched gamboling kittens on top. There were very few dry eyes in the house as the couple promised to be together forever, well at least to be in Britain together, as neither of them will be released from their respective institutions in their lifetimes. The kiss was especially heartbreaking, probably because the Dementors got a little excited and kissed the bride and groom. This jaded reporter must say that it makes me almost believe in love.

In reply to an earlier post on 25 Aug 2007 01:08:13 BDT
Last edited by the author on 25 Aug 2007 01:18:17 BDT
EVENING SEER 13th June 1995

The editorial staff would like to forward our sincere & unmitigated apologies to the family & friends of Argus Filch for the obituary & report of his demise in our issue of 11th June.
Sources have revealed to us that earlier today Mr. Filch`s faithful familiar, Mrs. Norris was released from a locked broom cupboard on the 4th floor of Hogwarts School. The direction of her hasty bolt for freedom went unobserved for several hours until she was seen by Professor Sibyl Trelawney staring at a suit of armour situated next to the world celebrated painting of Barnabas the Barmy and his Dancing Trolls. After cutting her card pack at the knave of spades Professor Trelawney instigated an investigation of the suit of armour. Argus Filch was discovered within, very much alive, but jinxed with "petrificus totalus". When released, & questioned as to the identity of his assailants, he was found to have had his memory erased.
We are happy to report that he is well on his way to recovery & the Hogwarts students may look foreward to the welcome return of their well loved caretaker.
*Professor Hagrid revealed tearfully to us that he was very relieved to receive a reprieve for his dog.

Need some sleep now it`s 1.15 here good night!!

In reply to an earlier post on 25 Aug 2007 11:16:09 BDT
LOL!!!

DAILY SEER APRIL 1ST 1975

MARAUDERS RAMPAGE!!!!

It has been reported that a group of students at Hogwarts School for Witchcraft and Wizardry have caused a national incident. It has been reported that they used magic to bully a fellow classmate. Pictures were taken and released to the national Muggle press. The Memory Reversal Department of the M.O.M. has been working overtime. The Minister of Magic, Gryffin Lovegood, (no relation to Xeno Lovegood) has been quoted as stating, "When the individual who relaeased the photos to the Muggle press is identified, the punishment will be severe."
A student at Hogwarts named Rita Skeeter was interviewed and stated "I saw the entire incident, I cannot imagine who would release those pictures to the Muggle press."
Meanwhile we have been contacted by one Mrs. Eileen Snape of Spinners End. She asked that we please advise people to stop sending her bottles of bleach.

In reply to an earlier post on 25 Aug 2007 13:30:02 BDT
I AM ME says:
UMBRIDGES WEREWOLF SON

An anonymous source has revealed today that yesterday Dolores Jane Umbridge gave birth to a werewolf cub. Aberforth ( the father ) fled from the hospital, laughing insanely, before the baby was even born and and has now went into hiding, although we did get a short interview with him and this is what he said,'' I wanted to make Dolores suffer, I am actually a full werewolf, so our son will be a half breed, ha ha ha''. We do not know why he hated her enough do to this to her, but he definitely succeeded at making her miserable, and to add to the stress of it all, it is a full moon tonight.

In reply to an earlier post on 25 Aug 2007 15:21:33 BDT
Tee Hee , I wonder what a suckling werewolf`s like -- pretty uncomfortable I guess!

In reply to an earlier post on 25 Aug 2007 15:41:10 BDT
Last edited by the author on 25 Aug 2007 15:42:35 BDT
The Magical Tatler August 25th 2007

INTERNATIONAL QUIDDITCH SENSATION VIKTOR KRUM CAUGHT IN DRUNKEN HOT TUB WITH VEELAS!!!!

International Quidditch Sensation Viktor Krum was videoed after his win of the 2007 Quidditch World Cup in a hot tub with a bevy of Veela beauties. There was plenty of Firewhisky and Butterbeer on hand as well as some pictures of Mr. Krum smoking Magical Pixie Dust. Mr. Krum could not be reached for comment, but his publicist did state that Mr. Krum is taking a rest cure at the Sybil Trelawny Center for Magical Addictions.
Meanwhile rumor has it that Mrs. Pansy Krum nee Parkinson has started divorce proceedings and will be represented by none other that Hermione "the shark" Granger.

In reply to an earlier post on 25 Aug 2007 19:48:09 BDT
EXTRA!
Sources have revealed Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen's true parentage. Adoption records found in Ottery St. Catchpole reveal that the American superstar twins are really the illegitimate Squib offspring of none other than our own Rita Skeeter! The birth certificate found in the burned-out Muggle hospital in O. St. C. opened an entirely new barrel of Blast-ended skrewts! The father was listed as The Ministry's own Lucius Malfoy. This reporter is recovering nicely from the jelly-legs jinx delivered by Malfoy's son Draco, when I attempted to question him in Madame Rosemerta's. More information will follow when discovered.

In reply to an earlier post on 25 Aug 2007 22:33:51 BDT
Last edited by the author on 25 Aug 2007 22:35:08 BDT
Witch Teen Monthly

TEEN WITCHES EVERYWHERE IN MOURNING!!! May 1996

It has been reported that our own hunky Boy-Who-Lived has fallen in love with none other than Ginny Weasley sister of his best friend Ronald Weasley.
In an exclusive interview fellow Gryffindor Romilda Vane, stated that Harry and Ginny have been seen all over the grounds of Hogwarts kissing and cuddling. Ms. Vane stated "It is really sickening, they are all over each other all the time, how he can stand to be with her is beyond me. I would not be surprised to find out that she put a love spell on him, probably one that she purchased at her brothers' store Weasleys' Wizard Wheezes, I guess it helps when your family owns a joke shop." Ms. Vane went on to add "Ginny Weasley has quite the reputation, the little ginger tart."
Since this interview it has been reported that Ms.Vane is currently recuperating in St.Mungo's Spell Damage Ward from a nasty Bat Bogey Hex and a Memory Removal charm that has Ms.Vale thinking she is the daughter of a Muggle family named Dursley in Surrey.

In reply to an earlier post on 25 Aug 2007 22:58:55 BDT
St. Mungo's Medical News:
Back strains in Post Owls-how can it be prevented? Proper lifting techniques will be offered in the Physical Therapy Wing of St. Mungo's on Saturday next. All wizards who wish to have their owls schooled in ergonomic lifting may register no later than Monday noon. The fee is one Galleon for supplies. A lunch will be served for owls.

In reply to an earlier post on 25 Aug 2007 23:35:14 BDT
I AM ME says:
INSANE HOUSE ELF GNAWS OFF LEG

Recent studies have proven that house elves without commands causes part of their brain to shut down, this results in blood loss in the brain, if house elves lose blood in this part of the brain they go insane. Unfortunately, yesterday a house elf lost it's life after this exact thing happened, he went insane and gnawed off his own leg, resulting in massive blood loss and death soon followed. The brain is now being examined closely, and it is shocking what we have discovered. We have one request, Hermione Granger, SPEW has gone too far and house elves are dying because of it, please stop IMMEDIATELY, or you will be forced to stop.

The results of the brain examination will be given out tomorrow.

In reply to an earlier post on 26 Aug 2007 00:15:09 BDT
I`m glad you thought of this thread Asley B. ..... It`s really funny . I keep popping in to get an update.

Ottery St. Catchpole Weekly Observer July 28th 2007
Planning Applications
Notice is hereby given of planning application to extend & rebuild the old tumbledown barn on the downs to the south of the town, & erection of small pylons in adjacent field.
Plans were forewarded by one, Arthur Weasley esq.
It is felt by the Planning Committee that as the populace of the town in general have never noticed the existence of said property, that no objections should be proposed against this application.

Daily Prophet 25th August 2007

Ladies Page
My recent interview with Mrs. Molly Weasley of Ottery St. Catchpole revealed that she, together with her daughter-in-law, Mrs. Hermoine Weasley, are planning a novel venture for the wizarding community, based on a muggle concept called "Kindergarten"
Mrs, weasley snr. feels that she could use her vast experience with problem younger wizards to help control the increasing number of our young delinquents jinxing their elders.
As an addition to the curriculum her daughter, Mrs. Ginny Potter, chaser of this years league champions, Chudley Cannons, is listed to coach junior quidditch in attempt to divert their mischief & encourage more sporting interests.
Fees are expected to be 40 galleons a week. Somewhat extortionate in my view.
**Your reporter would bring to your notice recent reports on misdemeanours of the well known quidditch international Victor Krum together with rumours concerning our own Oliver Wood & young Colin Creevey which may cause ministry intervention in this venture. It should, however, be noted by my readers that no adverse reports have yet been made about Mrs. Potter.

In reply to an earlier post on 26 Aug 2007 00:27:32 BDT
Witch Weekly-special edition
A bake sale will be held to help with medical bills generated by England's Quidditch Team, captained by Ronald Weasley. The entire team was blasted by dragons while playing a charity match in Bulgaria. Bulgarian captain, V. Krum, was heard giving his condolences to families and friends of the victims.
Charlie Weasley, Ronald's brother, was on hand to help in the dragon round-up."Glad I was here to watch ickle Ronnie play, then. We're so proud of him, being able to stay on his broom and all, anyway."
Private donations may be sent to Gringott's, care of "Quidditch Burn Fund".Many thanks to the generous.

In reply to an earlier post on 26 Aug 2007 01:24:32 BDT
Ministry Gazette 14th June 1995 (POSSIBLE SPOILER for D.H.!!)

BARE BONES
Further examination of the skeletal remains on the edge of Hogwarts Forbidden Forest initially indicate a possible ministry connection.
Information directly obtained from the school, reports that Professor Delores Umbridge formerly of the Wizgamot, & now installed as Hogwarts High Inquisitor by the ministry, to oversee suspect teaching methods, is absent. The last recorded sighting of her was by 2 fifth form students, purportedly visiting the greenhouses at the request of Professor Sprout. "She seemed to be involved in some sort of argument with some Centaurs" they said, "who then carried her off deeper into the trees. WE didn`t like to interfere".
" It is entirely possible that she escaped the centaurs only to be consumed by the now reprieved Fluffy" said Under Secretary Percy Weasley.
The Minister, Mr. Cornelius Fudge, in his statement promised "We will leave no stone unturned!!"

In reply to an earlier post on 26 Aug 2007 01:44:22 BDT
Last edited by the author on 26 Aug 2007 02:05:12 BDT
Good ones everyone!!! I love this post

The Daily Prophet August 25th 2007

DAILY PROPHET CORRESPONDENT RITA SKEETER DEAD

We at the Daily Prophet are sad to report the death of one of our own. Gossip and Biography Maven Rita Skeeter was found dead in her home late Friday evening. She was found collapsed over her desk where she was working on her unauthorized biography entitled "Rubeus Hagrid, Hero or Half-Breed?" The book was touted to reveal explosive information about the abnormally large Professor at Hogwarts School, including a chapter on illegal trafficking in dragons and some creature called a Blast Ended Skrewt. Although no cause of death has been released a medic at the scene stated it looked as though Ms. Skeeter had been burned, bitten and stung all at once and he had no idea what creature or curse could cause such injuries. We will bring you further updates as they occur.

In reply to an earlier post on 26 Aug 2007 01:47:01 BDT
BBC 2:
Bonfire Night Debacle-An extraordinary display of fantastic fireworks lit London last evening. Fortunately, no one was injured. The different dragons seemed to multiply while sparking off buildings.

Daily Prophet:
Fred and George Weasley were given fines for "accidentally" setting off fireworks of their own creation from the roof of the Leaky Cauldron. Ministry wizards were hard-pressed to contain the spectacle as the fireworks multiplied each time a Ministry member tried to quench it.

In reply to an earlier post on 26 Aug 2007 11:42:11 BDT
Last edited by the author on 26 Aug 2007 11:44:25 BDT
Good one Rachel. I kept trying to think of one for Fred and George.

The Gringott's Financial Times

SHAKE UP AT THE MINISTRY OF MAGIC. MISAPPROPRIATION OF FUNDS!!!

A routine audit of the M.O.M books has revealed a discrepancy in the funds. It appears that quite a bit of the gold that is used for the running of the M.O.M is actually leprachaun gold.
When contacted at his vacation villa in the south of France, Minister Fudge denied any knowledge of the missing gold. His reply was that he was much too busy denying the return of You-Know-Who to have time to worry about the Ministry finances. He advised that he left the financial concerns in the hands of his junior assistant, one Percy Weasley.
Mr. Percy Weasley was unavailable for comment, having apparently fled the country.

In reply to an earlier post on 27 Aug 2007 15:08:02 BDT
N. Lee says:
Mary-Ann, would you by any chance have read James Barclay's Raven books? Good theory!
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Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows (Book 7) by J.K. Illustrations by Mary GrandPre. Rowling (Hardcover - 2007)
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