I'm so sorry Hayley! I didn't mean to offend, :(, I love these forums so much I don't want to risk setting off the censors! You write GREAT!!! posts! I laugh myself silly every day! Please write more!!!!! please please please
Issue One Welcome back fromthe summer holidays. We here at the Hogwartian hope all are well and healthy and have nice empty heads! More room to pack all the new lessons from our instructors. We welcome our first-years, and hope you've settled in to your new Houses. Please feel free to ask the Prefects for help if needed in any way. For those beginning your OWL or NEWT years, remember-your futures are on the line! Pay attention and study hard. We also welcome our transfer student and Roving Reporter, Sierra Ranger. She has come from WWACA in Oregon, America. Due to the different style of instruction in the States, Sierra will be attending as a sixth-year and has been Sorted into Hufflepuff. Quidditch tryout times will be posted on the boards in each Common Room. Remember first-years, you are not allowed your own brooms! Please be courteous to the House Elves who care for your rooms and clothing, as well as preparing all meals. Hogsmeade weekends will begin in October, bring pemission slips to your Head of House by October 1st. Auditions for Hogwartian staff positions will be on Friday next. Find either Sierra Ranger or Rose Weasley. Thank you!
THE TRUTH ABOUT SALAZAR SLYTHERIN AND THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS!!! By Rita Skeeter
Through careful research, we at The Magical Inquisitor have discovered the TRUE stories of the four Founders of Hogwarts School for Witchcraft and Wizardry. We will be revealing the TRUE story of each of the four founding members, Godric Gryffindor, Helga Hufflepuff, Salazar Slytherin, and Rowena Ravenclaw over our next four issues. This issue reveals the truth about the founder who prized Pure Bloods above all others.
Salazar Slytherin: Salazar Slytherin was the founder of the House of Slytherin. His house is famous for producing some of the most cunning and ambitious witches and wizards ever to walk the halls of Hogwarts and the Ministry of Magic. Some of his more famous or should we say infamous, alumni include Horace Slughorn, Narcissa Black Malfoy, Bellatrix Black Lestrange, Rodolphus Lestrange, Lucius Malfoy, Rastaban Lestrange, Phineas Black, and Severus Snape, the last two were of course illustrious Headmasters of Hogwarts School for Withcraft and Wizardry. The most famous Slytherin of all was of course the late You-Know-Who, the wizard who was defeated last year by the Boy-Who-Just-Keeps-On-Ticking, aka, Harry James Potter.
So what is the deep dark secret that we have discovered? What is the reason for the break between Salazar Slytherin and the rest of the founders of Hogwarts?? Well for years the accepted story was that Salazar Slytherin and Godric Gryffindor had a falling out over Salazar wanting to only teach Pure Bloods, and his need to keep the Magical blood line pure. The rumor is that he built the Chamber of Secrets to hide a monster capable of killing Muggle borns and keeping Hogwarts pure. We have discovered this is false. The true reason Salazar Slytherin built the Chamber of Secrets has been revealed in the newly discovered diary of Helga Hufflepuff. Salazar Slytherin built the Chamber of Secrets so that he could have a secret place to use for his favorite hobby. Salazar Slytherin was a secret cross dresser. Yes, that's right, the lillustrious founder of the House of Slytherin loved to parade around in women's undergarments. He was discovered one night by Godric Gryffindor, Helga Hufflepuff and Rowena Ravenclaw. It appears that Helga and Rowena has noticed certain of their intimate garments were missing. They questioned the house elves who were in charge of the laundry, but they has no idea where the garments had gone. The house elves advised the two witches that the undergarments were always returned to their rooms when laundered. An investigation ensued. Unfortunately for Salazar his basilisk was taking an evening slither, and was not protecting the entrance to the Chamber of Secrets as Salazar thought. Imagine the stunned faces of all involved when confronted with the sight of Salazar Slytherin prancing aroung in pink silk and lace. Imagine if you can the shock, the recriminations, the EWWWWWW's. The rest as they say is history. Salazar Slytherin was so humiliated, he left Hogwarts never to be heard from again.
Look for our issue next month when we will bring you the TRUE Story of Rowena Ravenclaw and her diadem.
LOL, Ashley and Rachel. I can't wait for more 'Hogwartian' and founder news! Of course, that does go a long way towards explaining Snape's red lace prediliction, it is obviously another defining quality of Slytherins. And I wasn't offended at all Rachel (hence smiley face at end of sentence, these things are so difficult to get across in mails). I do sometimes wonder if someone at Amazon is going to read one of the more suggestive posts and shut us down - and we definitely don't want that! But I was just feeling down because I really seem to have gone completely blank on the idea side - I'll post almost anything if I think there's a chance it might amuse someone.
HOGWORTS SECURITY BREACHED!!!!!!!! NEWS WEEKLY HOGWORTS HAS BEEN PUT ON ALERT SINCE A LARGE BOX LIKE OBJECT APPEARED OUT OF NOWHERE INTO THE GREAT HALL, DURING DINNER.
EVEN MORE ALARMING WAS THE YOUNG MAN THAT CAME RUNNING OUT OF IT AND STARTED INVESTICATING THE CLASS ROOMS AND GROUNDS, HE BEFRIENDED HAGRID HOWEVER, WHO IS LOOKING FORWARD TO SOME NICE NEW PETS .
THE CHILDREN ARE FACINATED BY HIM COMPLAINED MCGONAGELL, HOGWORTS HEADMISTRESS TO THE MINISTRY, THE WEASLEY AND POTTER CHILDREN HAVE BEEN KNOWN TO DISAPPEAR IN THAT BOX FOR HOURS ON END.
RITA SKEETER HAS INTERVIEWED DRACO MALFROY WHILE TALKING TO HIM ABOUT HIS NEW POSITION AT THE MINISTRY, HE IS A MUGGLE SNEERED DRACO ,TELLING US OF A NEW THEAT!!! WHAT THE HELL IS A DALEK ANYWAY!!!!!!!
The outline planning permission detailed in our last edition regarding the development of stables & outbuildings at Little Hangleton Manor to a food factory has been granted by North Yorks County Council.
Local Reports Mary- Ann Wight Little Hangleton Village
New Biscuit Factory to be Opened
I spoke to Lord Tom Voldemort earlier this week regarding his new enterprise It was very sweet of him to make time in his busy schedule to speak to me. He said he had returned to his old home & realising that the village was in decline, decided to make this the centre for his new project. Following extensive research he has discovered a serious decline in the standard of Rich Tea Biscuits. "Even those made by the Duchy are not as good as the used to be." he remarked. "So I have decided to set up my own production line using only good organic raw materials, initially from my own estate.I may even try the production of some chocolate coated ones, with cocoa from my estates in Zimbabwe. I have already managed to get some suitable managerial staff on board, My M.D. will be Mr Draco Malfroy, recently released from rather futile employment in a gift shop, & my Company Secretary, the ravishing Ms. Pansy Parkinson, who has offered to give up her stressful position on the catwalk ,to join our little firm. I am sure there will be many opportunities for mugg....er members of the local community to obtain ...er ...employment with us & become VERY loyal employees." ** We, the villagers find it very uplifting that his lordship has seen fit to return to his roots to set up his new enterprise.
Hanging on to the Holiday stones? Come to Wood's Gym! We have the latest in exercise-inducing rooms. Broad plains for bicyling, mountains for hiking or skiing, lakes for swimming-heat charms applied for your comfort, or weight-training dumbbells. Nutritinal counseling provided by Molly Weasley if desired. For help at home, Weasley's Wizard Wheezes will provide anti-snacking charms for your kitchen. Take your slimming ambitions to Wood's Gym!
NEW THEME PARK ANNOUNCED The Ministry of Magic's Social division announced today that it has entered into a partnership with a Muggle company in order to bring the first magical theme park to Britain. The park will be known as 'Muggle World' and will feature real muggle rides such a 'rollercoaster'. According to the Muggle partners, Walt Disney Inc., this ride replicates the feeling of riding on a broomstick. Wizards and witches will also have the opportunity to pretend that they are Muggles in a Muggle house complete with Muggle inventions such as plugs, lektrsity and fellytones.
------------ Is it possible to get writer's block for rejected lines? Two days and nothing is coming out of this excuse of a brain. Weep, wail.