Police and doctors from the Infectious Disease Division of the government have been dispatched to Fife. It appears either an outbreak of some unknown contagion has infected a senior citizen's home or a tanker truck of nitrous oxide destined for a bottling plant has leaked. Oak Forest Retirement Centre residents had stopped for tea and biscuits while on a day trip to view the foliage. All, including the driver, were overcome by fits of uncontrolled laughter. According to medical staff and police officials at the tea shop, the seniors appeared unharmed, but as the giggling went on for several hours, some needed oxygen supplementation, and a few ladies needed dry undergarments. The I.D.D. drew blood samples from all of the afflicted, and a local pub, the Badger and Dragon, has offered to put the tour group up while acting as a quarantine centre. Results of the testing will be revealed when appropriate. Officials ask the citizens not to panic, and go on as normal.
Several Hogwarts students were given on-campus suspensions after simutaneously performing Cheering Charms which resulted in a busload of Muggle senior citizens being afflicted with giggle-fits. As the Muggles were in a tea-shoppe, the episode was noticed by the proprietor who called Muggle police and medical authorities. James Potter, Albus Potter, Hugo Weasley, Rose Weasley, and Fred Weasley were: "trying to brighten things up a bit. We're getting ready to take our OWLS, you know. Things are quite grim around the Great Hall with studying. I guess we overdid it a bit, " said Fred Weasley. As the older students got the younger ones to help, James, Fred, and Rose are facing more severe punishments as deemed appropriate by the Gryffindor Head and Headmaster Finnegan. Their parents were informed, and had no comment at this time.
During my annual trip with my father Xenophilius Lovegood to hunt the elusive Crumple-Horned Snorkack, we came upon a village in the South of France. Being tired from our exertions we decided to rest a few days in the bucolic village. On our second day I saw a familiar face at a sidewalk cafe sipping wine and reading a Muggle newspaper. It was none other than our "favorite" snarky Professor of Potions, Severus Snape. When I approached him he denied being Professor Snape and advised me to quit annoying him. I asked him how he managed to survive the bite from Nagini and he proceeded to ask if I was an idiot. I did take offense at that as everyone knows I am an alumni of Ravenclaw and we are not idiots!!!! I told him that I knew who he was and that I was glad that he had survived. He continued to state that I was mistaken and to leave him alone. While we were talking a very pretty woman with long red hair and green eyes walked up. She had with her a little boy with green eyes and black hair, the little boy reminded me a bit of our own Harry Potter. I got up to leave after apologizing for my mistake, after all it obviously could not be Professor Snape. Professor Snape with a wife and child????!!! Never. However as I walked away, I could have sworn that I heard..."100 points from Ravenclaw Ms. Lovegood, for being an insufferable busy-body."
Sorry I know this is sentimental, but Snapeypoo got a bad rap and this what I would hope would have happened if he survived. Of course it is the Quibbler, so who knows what is real and what is not.....:)
Intergalactic Wizard Relations began today when a delegation of Jedi Knights made first contact with the M.O.M. It came as a shock to the Ministry to learn that we have had Jedi undercover as Witches and Wizards for quite a few years now. Apparently the Jedi, under the tutaladge of Jedi Grand Master Luke Skywalker, are seeking one Darth Caedus, a powerful Sith Lord who seems to have the same 'fear' aspect as the One Who Must Not Be Named, who is wanted for murder of Mara Jade Skywalker. Jedi, it seems, have similar powers to our own Wizard kind and fit right in although the main difference is they carry weapons in the form of "lighsabers". It is also reported that one James Sirius Potter was heard to be asking his mum for one. Mrs G Weasly was heard to say, "Over My Dead Body"
It has been reported that there was quite a to-do at Mr. Gilderoy Lockhart and Mr. Draco Malfoy's shop, Domestic Magic, today. It seems that unknown person(s) cast an enlargement charm on the magically bewitched Cornish Pixies that float around the shop. Cornish Pixies do have a reputation for being a bit "snarky" at times, and it appears the charm released the worst in them. It also increased their size by three times. This caused a bit of havoc. The Cornish Pixies went on a rampage and destroyed the entire shop. The last we saw of Mr. Lockhart and Mr. Malfoy was the two of them running down the streets of Diagon Alley screaming, with several enlarged Cornish Pixies in hot pursuit. The Department of Magical Accident and Catastrophes, Accidental Magic Reversal Squad, was able to come and restore order, at least with the Cornish Pixies they were able to corral. No one has yet been charged with casting the charm, but since today was the day that most Hogwart's students were buying their school supplies. The list of suspects is very long.
The Prophet can report today that Author J K Rowling is to be sued by Professor Several Snipes for 'Defamation of Character', and 'Libel', following the publication of a fictional series of books following the trials and tribulations of a teenage wizard, and his struggle to overcome dark magic, and an evil Dark Lord.
In a petition to the Wizengamot, Professor Snipes has stated that the character named Severus Snape in the books had been a loose parody of himself, and is suing for damages for loss of self esteem, and respectability amongst his pupils and peers at the Hagwords School of Wizardry and Witchcraft, where he is currently head of Sliverbrain House, and Options master. His legal representative, Council Doris Ombradge issued a statement, which said ' Professor Snipes has been on the receiving end of many jibes from pupils and teachers alike; Such taunts of 'Greaseball', and 'Snipeypoo' are dogging his every step, and it is undermining his self confidence'. It is estimated that the claim for damages could total 10,000,000 Galleons.
When asked for her comment, J K Rowling said 'Oh for heaven's sake, these are all made up characters, this is nonsense'
However, if the case is proved, it could lead to further claims from Rabid Hugeous, and Tim Roddle, to name a few. The case continues...
The Weasley, Weasley, and Weasley, Inc. empire have expanded yet again into Muggle sports. Due to the popularity of 'ice hockey' and persuaded by their children, W3 has purchased the Anaheim Ducks professional hockey team based in Los Angeles, California. Chris Pronger, a leading scorer for the Ducks, is the eighth cousin, sixteen times removed of Ministry Auror, Harry Potter. "We here at W3 are looking forward to expanding to the West coast, said George Weasley in a press conference earlier this week. In school news, Fred Weasley, James Potter, and Steven Wentworth, all of Gryffindor have once again received detention because of pranks played on instructors. It seems Mr. Wentwoth, a Muggle-born transfer from Minnesota, U.S., had introduced ice hockey on the lake at Hogwarts. After a game against some Slytherin students, the three Gryffindors sent the "puck" winging through the Hogwarts corridors after the Potions instructor, Sullivan Snape. Fred, James, and Steven have not only lost 50 points apiece from Gryffindor, but are also banned from playing Quidditch for 3 games. James Potter, as Captain and Seeker, stated that they were sorry for the trouble caused. "Our teammates should not suffer because of our poor judgement," said Fred Weasley in an apology to the entire school.
Catastrophe occured earlier today in Hogwarts school, when Albus Dumbledore got attacked by an angry student ( who will remain anonymous ) and although he wasn't badly hurt, his glasses smashed. This seemed like the end for the great wizard, because if he was blind, anyone could attack him from behind and he wouldn't see them. However, this near devestating tragedy, was quickly solved, when Dumbledore quoted the line,'' Lucky, I went to Specsavers'', and with the aid of one of his students, he went up to his office and got his second pair of glasses. The student in question was suspended and has been forced to go to a psychologist, to give him anger management classes. Dumbledore was one of the lucky ones who went to Specsavers, don't make a mistake, go to Specsavers, NOW.
Just popping in to say terrific tabloids, folks. Am having a completely blank brain day and can't come up with a single tabloid, and have only thought of 1 rejected line that was so bad I had to reject it. Actually it was smutty and not funny - if there was a chance of it being funny I would have posted and risked Rachel's wrath! :) So I am going to crawl off home in my depresssed state, hope to have something to contribute tomorrow. Night-night, fellow Amazonians, sleep tight, don't let the crumple-horned snorkaks bite.