www.weasleywizardweezes.co.oz Have a new line in production of blueteeth brooms with matching blue gum bristles for the discerning witch. Stocks ready & waiting to add to your basket for immediate dispatch Payments accepted by Gringotcard, or Moneymate. Items ordered with money orders or galleons sent by owl will be dispatched as soon as the remuneration is cleared by the Sydney branch of Gringots
The residence of the president was last night all but destroyed by a troup of gigantic men waving English flags & singing `Rule Britannia' storming southward astride a herd of large bull elephants.
Gargantuan Gazette.... 31st May
Beardy Bandylegs to the Rescue
Our gallant band of supporters heading to South Africa for the World Cup were all but thwarted in their attempts to reach the venue in time to cause a bit of hooliganism before the start of the tournament, when their supertanker collided with the Aswan High dam on their way up the Nile. However a bit of lateral thinking by brainy Beardy Bandylegs saved the day when he noticed the elephant migration. After several days of explaining to the others & organising a visit to a cinema to see an old John Wayne film he managed to pursuede them to round up a herd & climb aboard. The last I saw of them they were gallumphing southward at full pelt whooping something about Indians I didn`t like to disillusion them but the Indians run the World CRICKET series
You can always rely on the good old Gazette to bring you the stories that matter!
The latest issue has a feature especially for football widows where they highlight the benefits of grape stomping to make your own wine - and point out that if several giantesses are stomping in the same vat at the same time, it can be a great way to squeeze those carbunkles, blisters and boils, whilst adding a unique flavour to the pee no grigot.
Just for PC & Rebelhed... Not really a tabloid... although Dickens stories first appeared in the newspapers didn`t they... :)
SURPRISE SURPRISE!! -- or - TOMORROW MAY BE HELL!
The simple cardboard coffin decorated with childish paintings was slotted neatly into the hole drilled with the up-to-date technology that replaced the old sexton & his mini-digger. The site, an area of structured, fairly new woodland adjacent to the old churchyard at Godrics Hollow. A beech tree had already been planted in close proximity to the grave, & it bore a brass plaque with 2 names already engraved on it. James Potter much missed son February 2004 to November2023 & Ginevra Potter beloved wife, mother, & grandmother August 1983 to December 2066 It was April 3rd 2068, "Harry had sort of given up after the death of Ginny & somehow", Severus Albus thought, "his father had been looking forward to this day, after all, he knew what awaited him much more than any other wizard; he`d almost been there before" He looked round for Rose to go with him to scatter the first handful of soil. Lily Malfroy, his sister stood quietly beside him with Scorpio. Rose, having gathered up the children & grandchildren arrived with her entourage. "Now quietly drop in your flowers" she said to the grandchildren "& think about all the exciting stories Great Grandpa Harry used to tell you,. most of them were true." "Do you think he likes the paintings?" asked little Bathilda, "I`m not very good at dinosaurs, but Lucius said my pixies looked stupid, & painted over them" "I`m sure he loves them dear" said her grandma. Duties carried out the families left the burial ground for their homeward journeys. Scorpio paused for a moment thinking of his friend & protagonist James. Those heady races through the Welsh mountain roads on their Shunspike roadsters & the shock when he realized James had lost control on that bend by the Devil`s Bridge. He was brought back to the present by AlbusSeverus. "Thank goodness we dealt with all the crowds at the memorial ,yesterday, This was much more Dad`s scene"
Now there only remained two smartly dressed house elves, who lifted down the brass plaque. Dobby Jnr. ( Hokey & Kreature`s son) & his wife Dusty, set to work magically engraving a tribute to the famous Harry Potter. Harry Potter "Boy of Legend" July 1980 - Died April 2068, - for the 2nd time. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Two hours later another coffin was put to rest beneath a silver birch tree on the other side of the woodland.
Harry`s spirit stepped jauntily out of his upright coffin. "That`s easier than having to struggle to your feet " he thought, "though of course he wasn`t so stiff, because the old bones had been left behind in the coffin, hadn`t they" He grinned at the dinosaur pictures on the sides of the coffin. "I expect they thought I was that old" he mused thinking fondly of his great grandchildren. " Now I recognise this place, -- Where`s that train? Merlin`s beard, that horrible foetus thing is still griping under that chair. I reckon it must have been left here specifically for me to deal with." At this point a bright red steam engine shunted backwards into the station ,polluting the cool pristine atmosphere of the place. No carriages, just an engine & coal tender, smoke & steam pouring out in about equal amounts. " Hello Mate" yelled a familiar voice, & Harry immediately recognised Ron, clad in sooty overalls, as he tumbled off the footplate, closely followed by Sirius who looked even more dishevelled & almost completely black. "Wow!" said Harry "What goes?" "We`ve been sent to fetch you" replied Ron" I rather like my stints as engine driver, but fireman is one of the lighter penance jobs" He grinned at Sirius. "What was it ?--- nicking the firewhiskey again, or hanging round the Beauxbaton Pit for that little blond witch? Sirius ignored him & put a grimy arm round Harry`s shoulder. "Good to see you ,Kiddo, by heck you`ve grown." Harry grinned ,"It`s been a long while" "Time doesn`t mean a lot round here" was the reply "unless you get one of the really rough jobs like stoking the main furnaces ,or worse still cleaning out the dragon pens." Just then the foetus thing gave a shriek. Ron & Sirius jumped. "What in Hell`s that?" gasped Ron, "I`ve been here half a dozen times for my mates, but I`ve never seen that before. "It was here last time I came" said Harry, "I think it`s something to do with Riddles` horcrux that he put in me,. What shall I do with it? " "oh sling it on the tender" said Ron, " Hadn`t better leave it here. It can`t come to much harm up there on the coal. Right, Shall we be off, It`s jolly cold here." Harry looked puzzled, but followed Ron & Sirius onto the footplate. " Ok you`ve probably done enough penance for now Sirius, You could cook us some breakfast while Harry stokes the boiler" Harry looked slightly taken aback ,but picked up a shovel & started on the coal. "S`pose it`s the same as usual " said Ron. " What else can you do with smoked dragon steaks & egg" was the reply, "Want hot chilli with yours, Harry?" Harry managed to eat a bit, but wasn`t feeling much like it. It was worrying that he`d caught up with the thing again , now griping away on the tender behind. Strangely the other two didn`t seem to hear it over the noise of the engine.
On arrival at the station Harry was surprised by a large reception committee .He was also surprised at the disarray of their garb Oh dear it was so swelteringly hot. Ginny was the first to reach him & wiping away soot from her face, hugged him & gave him a kiss. "Good to see you love, I`ve missed you" "What in heavens name have you been up to Gin" ...zap!, " Good Lord ! What was that?"....zap! Harry looked bewildered. "Don`t swear" said Ginny " That`s what happens" "But I didn`t." said Harry "If you say anything about Satan`s opposite number you get zapped" she explained He stopped to consider, " Hell" he said "What is this place?" " Yes " she replied "But everyone`s here"... looking round "Yes" she replied, " This is the Wizard Pit, all witches & wizards come down here .We`re all evil according to the powers that be" Isn`t it getting a bit crowded?" mused Harry "No it`s divided into lots of different pits. Anyway you get to meet some really interesting people. I`ve got Helga Hufflepuff working with me at the moment." Looks like a really dirty job., What are you doing?" "Cleaning out the flues of the secondary furnaces, it`s a punishment for fighting with Bellatrix. Helga got it for scrapping with Rowena, we`re on our last warning. Next time it will be a spell in the dry ice. You get used to this temperature ,so the dry ice is awful" By this time his mother had elbowed her way through the grinning throng " Hello mum, this isn`t quite what you led me to expect when you came with me on the way to get A.K`d by Voldemort" Well dear, there wasn`t much opportunity to say anything then. Anyway it was very generous of Satan to let us out for the day. Heavens! How you`ve grown dear" POP!! A small demon lands beside her ,cracking it`s fingers in a murderous fashion "Oops!" "Yes mum, well I am 88, or I was" .... Looks down at himself. His body seemed more upright than it had for years, for that matter Ginny looked as she had when she was about 30, now he came to think about it. "Hello son, good to see you. Hell you`ve grown ...(no pop this time!) Harry glowered. "Dad, I`m 88 what would you expect?" His irritation faded as he saw his dad`s arm go round his mother`s shoulder, after all this was the first time they`d had any prospect of talking to him for any length of time since he was one. " We`ve got some lovely grandchildren, we were only watching them the other day, with Ginny." " How so?" said Harry "Well you have to have some incentives to behave, so we get chances to look out up there through the spyscopes when they`re activated" A gap opens up through the crowd of welcoming witches & wizards & clipping towards him is an odd creature that could not really be put into any category. Upright body humanoid, small horns, slitty red eyes, reminiscent of Voldermort, & the clicky hooves where the feet should be. "Welcome Mr. Potter junior, You`ve arrived at last. I`m hoping you can do a better job of keeping control of your son than his mother or grandfather do. Where is he, Madeye ?" Turns to Alastor Moody, walking a deferential distance behind ".Smoke room, my Leige, shovelling oak chippings for tomorrows dragon steaks" "Ah well we`ll leave him to it no point in removing him from a penance. What was it this time?..... no don`t tell me , in the Beauxbaton pit girls dorm. again ,...sigh! it figures Sirius is as bad an influence on him as he was on his grandfather.
Harry assumed the newcomer to be the chief...... Satan, & mused on certain similarities to Voldemort Although he doesn`t look anywhere near so evil, he thought. "Don`t be too sure" said Satan Must be a hellish good legimens thought Harry . "I am so don`t ever try & pull the wool" said Satan " Right Madeye, conducted tour I think, as Mr. Potter has seen fit to grace us with his presence at last. Alastor grinned at Harry, " This is a first ,since I became chief minion anyway., You must be a celebrity". "Lead on Madeye , by the way Mr, Potter did you bring that foetus with you from the station? Voldemort`s been whingeing about that for years. "Where is Voldemort" said Harry looking worridly at the crowd of onlookers. " Don`t worry " replied Satan, " Him & his oppo`s have a permanent job,stoking the main furnaces & tending the dragons, but he`s been trying to get off with Lucretia Borgia for years and she won`t look at him with that flat nose. If you`ve brought the foetus , that should cure it . His inner self will be complete again. Serves him right for trying to be immortal, I won`t have opposition. Give it to Madeye, , he`ll chuck it down to him." Harry recovers the item from the tender,& hands it over with considerable relief. " Ok, first we need to check you in. The offices are over there. I`ve just recruited a new P.A. from the wizard pit , Madeye`s recommendation, useful sort, got her wits about her, bit intense ,but thorough, that`s what I need ... thorough. Harry followed Satan into the office to be confronted by Hermione peering at him over a pile of ledgers. "Hello Harry. You finally deigned to join us then" she giggled. Satan looked astounded. "Never seen her laugh before, reckon you might be an asset round here. Can you fill in the necessary credentials, on that parchment there, then we`ll do the guided tour bit. "Where`s Madeye got to ? ah! here he comes." as Alastor puffs up to them. "Ha ha ha .... Made you run all the way up here & were going to start at the bottom" Moody glares "Yessss Sire" "We`ll take the quick route down" he clips over to a greasy pole & commences descent. They arrive on a platform overlooking everyone`s idea of hell. "Right Mr. Potter this is the main furnace pit. You probably recognise a few of the inmates, this lot really have evil intentions . "Are they all wizards" whispered Harry, thinking he might have to take his turn alongside Voldemort. " No" was the reply, "we`ve got several Voldy who you know, Salazar Slitherin, Grindlewald, Mrs Lestrange, Lady Belladonna Foxglove, then there`s Hitler, Rasputin, King John, Nero, Jane Austen, Lucrecia Borgia, Queen Victoria, Bonapart, Across the board really. . Got to keep their noses to the grindstone or they may get ideas above their station, we don't want any attempted coup`s here." " Now over there`s the estate agent & bank manager`s pit ... boy you should see the scraps. We get a few laughs listening in over there don`t we Madeye? & some good ideas for taunting" "This here is chefs & wine buffs. I find it`s handy for getting the occasional special snack or cocktail, Jamie & Gordon are always competing to see who can come up with the best recipe, & old Mother Beaton over there tries to match their efforts". "Ah! now, the Print pit, newsmen, authors, & literary agents. The lies... tee hee you wouldn`t believe, & exaggeration, You`d think they were in charge of world domination. Well Rupert Murdoch does anyhow.". "Computer Buffs .... It`s always quiet there, I don`t get much trouble from them, they`re always away with the fairies in their virtual worlds". "Toffs & royalty pit, well they`re just a snobbish lot on the whole, won`t talk to me & not much to each other, just a lot of sniffing & sniping" "This pit`s quite popular with some of your wizards, I often come across a few of them in here; Gamblers, thieves, & bookmakers. Of course mingling is allowed, except for the furnace stokers, they`re kept separate. Can`t have Jane Austen or Florence Nightingale corrupting the ladies can we?
Harry was, by this time slightly less apprehensive, in fact Satan didn`t seem as evil as his press would have him be. The tour continued with the community areas. Harry peered into the first pit, to see Dumbledore playing exploding snap with a person he knew from past visions to be Grindlewald . " I thought he was a stoker in the furnaces " he said. Satan looked questioningly at Madeye. "What`s all this?" " He has a special dispensation when requested by Albus Dumbledore" was the reply, " It keeps Albus amused when Minerva McGonnegal is the worse for a firewhiskey bout or Dippet`s forgotten to get up. You did sign the request, Sire." There were a few others scattered round the pit that he half recognised ... weren`t they some of those muggle ladies that had helped with problem upstarts after he had gotten rid of Voldemort ? MWAI`s or something they were called Satan caught his drift "Yes" he said reading Harry`s thoughts again, But they can be a pain, that American bird over there, Ashley, keeps distracting one of our best athletes, he`s supposed to be helping the Tonks woman train up the teams for the Inter-pit Tournament" Harry grinned at Oliver Wood, the reluctant coach, He had been enthusiastic enough when captaining the Griffindor quidditch team. The other community pit was seated out like a theatre & on the podium, surrounded by a flock of phoenixes was Hagrid, putting them through a complicated routine which involved them diving & swimming in boiling water then disappearing in a cloud of steam, to reappear at the back of the line. The auditorium was almost full. Hagrid was not concentrating totally on his charges he seemed to keep looking towards the entrance & several of the phoenixes kept sneaking off.. On spying his former pupil he abandoned them all together to go & greet Harry. " It`s good ter see yer agen" ... hugs Harry "I wan`ned ter be on the station ter meet yer ,but they said I`d gotta keep goin` with me class." Grachel said she`d stop wiv me though. Meanwhile pandemonium is breaking out as the phoenixes see escape is possible "Erm!...Hagrid" said Madeye as a young phoenix scooted past him through the exit. "Mr. Hagrid, I think it might be wise if you return to your charges", said Satan or you might find yourself in the cold again, I know there`s no point in threatening you with the dragons. "Yeah me Lord" Hagrid grinned apologetically at Harry & bundled back to the podium grabbing two elderly phoenixes on the way. Satan had been looking a mite angry since learning he`d signed a pass for Grindlewald to leave the furnace pit. How could that have happened? "Shall we go to the exercise area now " volunteered Madeye. Tonks was in charge of the exercise area, & he still had a soft spot for his former pupil. Just then Hermione bustles up to Satan accompanied by a very clean, upright looking female. "What is it woman?" " This person is from up there Sire, And she has come here demanding the return of one of our personnel." "And who might you be ,madam, to think you have the right to barge in here making demands." "Like your secretary said, I have come to remove one of your number. I was given a pass. When I entered through the pearly gates up there, earlier on , I went to find my parents, only to learn one of them was down here, so I made it my business to obtain a pass to come & look for her" Satan glowers " The pact I made with Him- up- there was that the only go-between was to be Gwarp, nobody else is allowed to infiltrate my hallowed portals. Anyhow who are we talking about? " MWAI member Mary-Ann aka the Brain" replied Hermione " More c*ck-ups by that crowd with their heads in the clouds, I suppose" muttered Satan. " No My Lord, all the MWAI`s are allowed freedom of access to both places, they can choose." " Well bully for them! I don`t remember agreeing to anything like that" " Erm.... You did, My Lord, it was when you were negotiating to update the dry ice machine" "Mmm I do seem to remember there was a lot of to-ing & fro-ing with Gwarp then. Oh well go & find the woman. Madeye, return Mr. Potter to his reception committee, I can`t be bothered with any more now , I`m for a nice long soak in a liquid sulphur bath & a refreshing goblet of firewhiskey. We will no doubt meet up again Mr. Potter, I think you may prove useful" He clips off, & Harry breathes a sigh of relief " Come on then " said Madeye, leading the way Hermione & Lucy go in search of Mary- Ann, finally locating her in the community room pit. "Hi Luce didn`t expect to see you down here, thought you`d definitely be bound for the other place" "I am, but I demanded that they let me come & look for you. They were going to send an awful giant thing instead, though " "Gwarp , oh he`s alright, he transports us back & forth when we want to go." Are you coming then,mum, this lady`s got your pass," indicating Hermione. "Not right now, Luce, but you go back, you`re looking a bit roasted, but it suits me here, you know how I used to like a good bonfire, Give Dad my love, I`ll be up there sometime soon , -- don`t want to miss shhhhhh ... Christmas." She gives daughter a kiss & watches her out of the door. Then turning to the other MWAI`s winks "Right Lucius, are you up for another game of exploding snap?"
With apologies to J.K.R. Andy Hamilton & Tabloids.
Breaking news: I just heard one of the tracks from Prisoner of Azkaban Soundtrack, on The Apprentice. (Just to be clear I wasn't watching the rubbish programme, just listening) A few weeks back I heard a track from Order of the Phoenix Soundtrack on a Gordon Ramsay tv show. In neither show was there any comment from anyone about where the music came from.... that's just wrong.
Stop the press, I just heard another one, Aunt Marges Waltz.
Ministry of Magic Inter-Office Memorandum From: Harry J. Potter, Head Auror To: All rookie aurors
Hi and welcome to the Auror department, we appreciate your support. I thought I'd impart a few useful tips before you are sent out to the field.
When on official MOM business: Keep your eyes and ears open and your mouth closed. Keep a well chosen assortment of charmed objects about your person. There is no limit to how many wands you can have. Your most powerful weapon is in your skull and should stay there. Dark magic can be useful but will always land you in trouble. Dark magic will not be tolerated. Stay close to your mentor wether (s)he likes it or not.
Sven Olafson Cheese Factory, Nutterville was robbed last night as reported by Sven and Ole Olafson. Marathon County police are stumped by the complete lack of tyre tracks in the driveway by the loading dock. All butter, cheese, heavy cream, and one complete bulk tank have disappeared. Preliminary findings by the Dairyland Criminal Investigative Service reveal no fingerprints or other forensic evidence at this time. Investigators will continue looking for clues. Any residents who may have information are asked to call the MSD Tipline. Anonymous calls will be accepted.
HOGWARTS YULE BALL AND WINTER CARNIVAL!
Come one and all! Gwenog Jones of the Holyhead Harpies will open the final Quidditch match before end of term! The Weird Sisters will perform their greatest hits at the ball after the match! Catering provided by Dobbysir Cookery with many goodies available for take-away. All perishables will be charmed for transport by the Seventh-Year Advanced Charms class led by Professor Flitwick! Bring your gold for a chance on the Wheel of Fortune! Win a trip the Weasley's Wizard Wheezes!
The meeting of the Megalomaniacs Support Group has been canceled. It may be rescheduled if all Megalomaniacs can put on their big boy underpants and behave.
Why does Dalek Sec get the big chair? EXTERMINATE! Really? Avada Kedavra on you! DELETE! I'm gonna use the Force and slice you to shreds! Nice helmet...LOL! GIVE ME BACK MY PRECIOUS! Come and get it, Sauron! Oh, haven't you got legs? Having a house fall on my sister was funny?!
Believed to be the work of giant or giants unkown, devastation was wrecked yesterday in the town of Rayne, Louisiana, USA. One 21 year old woman was killed when her house was demolished. The Conjurors Investigative Agency, or CIA has spent the best part of the night councilling witches and wizards and performing memory charms on the remaining muggle residents. The muggle reporting organisation 'reuters' have been briefed as follows:
"A suspected tornado has ripped through a town in the US state of Loiusiana, killing one woman and injuring 11 other people."
"The CIA will continue investigations until the perpetrators... giant or otherwise... have been uncovered and held to account for this tragedy." The Senator for magic, Guy Smiley, said today.
Hagrid has been appointed as deputy to the CIA and has been issued with a shiny badge and other tools of the craft. Standard CIA issue of course, he's even been presented with a replacement wand, redwood, 3 feet, dense but ergonomic and a manticore spine core.