Makes you wonder how many other wizards would do (or have done) a Mundungus and make their muggle fortune via a little jiggery pokery in casinos!? Or, is there a particular department of the Ministry of Magic that deal with and prevent this? If so, nice job if you can get it, eh?
GARGANTUAN GAZETTE - the periodical for persons of a positive perpendicular persuasion
Ghost writer, Lop-headed Lizbet, oversees a lively debate on the pros and cons of joining 'You Know Who's'Dark Force.
In the northern reaches of Europe's inaccessible Purple Mountains, I spirited myself away for a pre-arranged meeting with the last remnants of the once feared race of Homo Giganticus - better known as the common or garden Giant. Entering their hamlet is enough to fill the bravest of souls with dread - nay, even to scare one to death, which is where I have the upper hand, having experienced that dubious delight some 250 years since.
Having received an invitation from the Dark Lord to join their growing force of Death Eaters, trolls and all beings weird and nasty, for a reward of 50 cattle, an enchanted golden harp and a ton of all things shiny and sparkly, tribe leader Giant Beardy Bandylegs has called a meeting of tribe elders to be told that they will be joining, otherwise he'll crack each and every one of their skulls. They, in turn, hold the position that unless they receive two tons of all things shiny and sparkly, Lord Voldemort can go whistle, and they will pluck out all of Bandylegs' beard hairs one by one.
I'll let them get on with it and just record the meeting verbatim:
"Gertcha nuff pret-ties!" "Won mor pret-ties or Lor Vol-dee no go - arf, arf, arf!" "Stompon nose, uglee bould-er bonces!" "Bould-er break wiv yor bonce, Band-ee! Mor pret-ties, mor pret-ties, mor pret-ties, arf, arf, arf!" "Won tchoo join club!" (as Giant Beardy Bandylegs plays the xylophone on the heads of the tribe elders with his massive stone club.)
"Der, seeyor point, nuff pret-ties. Vol-dee, Vol-dee, Vol-dee!"
Thus ends another democratic debate in giant land.
Giant Beardy Bandylegs joins our features forum commune and chisels his first piece on Giant attire. This has taken a while to appear since we first, ahem, successfully negotiated with him (ie outclubbing him with the aid of a giant ballista machine) as the manuscript was submitted carved on stone tablets and took 36 oxen and carts to collect.
As a service to our less, er, inarticulate readers, we include translations of some of the 'peculiarities' of the giantish dialect.
"CLOVES FER BIG-BODS (ed: that's clothes as in 'garments', not cloves as in mediaeval pommanders)
Okey - pinnupp lug-olz, me talky lotz an yoo arken. Won mor eezy-get cloves. Roo-bar leef no gud - airy catt-pill munch-munch an big bot go cold.
Hannimul furry too likkul, 'cept jirryaff nek-skin okey-doke fer won bit ov big-bod. (ed: hmm, don't ask which bit!)
Pampass grass-sker gud fer mizzy big-bod - but tikkulz.
Big-bod cloves mekker no gud - me pay bod wiv bonce-crakk an im go cross-ide an carnt fred needul arftur.
Me won sandulz cuz me wakk big-piggy on rokk, an day latur me go owch.
Big-bod Drool Jawbone im got wudden sandulz (ed: think he means clogs). Im fell sleep wiv footz on kamp-fire an im wowk wiv big-noyze an tride kikkin inviz-i-bull rokk-ball - im sandul losst over too mownt-tee-unz (ed: giantish for 18 miles).
Won NU cloves mekker. Yoo cum kwik - me pay gud. Ownlee likkul bonce-crakk. Okey?
(ed: how could anyone refuse? Applications for the post c/o Giant BB, Rokk-box under the ancient troll bridge, Purple Mountain Pass, Northern Europe).
We await Giant BB's next submission with relish - which leads us nicely on to our next article on spicey dressings for Dino-burgers from Madam Wart-burster...
Lol...PC ..... I think we might just be able to help!!
GARGANTUAN GAZETTE Classified Ads. *************************************************************** Marks & Fletcher Marquees would like to offer a special tailoring service designed with the giant in mind. All shapes catered for including no neck & ground scraping arms Additional features include special hidden poachers pockets for secreting rocks & bludgeons **************************************************************** Dungs Dinghy`s are introducing a new line in paired boats suitable for giant footwear.
These are available in painted wood, carvel or clinker style, or in moulded glassfibre with a coloured gelcoat to your specification. Suitable rope is available for simulated lacings
& for the little lady.... Small mooring posts can be inserted to replace the rudder post to provide heels for the discerning giantess. ********************************************************
The Antigo Maroon Robins battled against the Mosinee Indians last evening. Homecoming football brings out the competitor in everyone. The win/loss records of both teams meant a hard-fought game in inclement weather. Rain and wind challenged the skills of the players. Members of the undefeated team of 1959 made an appearance for the 50th anniversary of that glorious event. Alumni came from far and wide to cheer their heroes. Due to this plethora football and city spirit, police officers were overburdened and neighboring counties were asked for assistance. Deputies from as far away as Door County helped keep order during the festivities, especially after the 43-19 win for Antigo. This did not go unnoticed by the local populace. Quarterback Chuckie Schroepfer was quoted as saying "Who was the weird looking cop from Door? Why do they have capes as uniforms over there?" However, many escapades were halted as officers seemingly appeared from around corners to stop the planned affronts. Sheriff Pat Schunke stated "I've never seen anything like it. I never had such a calm Homecoming ever! My senior year we T.P.'d the whole 5th Avenue bridge. This time, nothing. That Riddle from Door and guys from the Yard who were vacationing here were such a help."
Grandview Orchard Apple Fest:
overheard-"This cider is pretty weak, I'd say, Harry." "Ron, it's non-alcoholic. I do think Rosie, James, and Albus would like some at school, yeah?" "If you two are done shopping, I need to get back to Ephraim. Zobarski has me on the patrol for tonight's cherry wine festival by the Washington Island ferry dock. Muggles take their fruit festivals so seriously." *Disgusted sigh* "All right, Voldemort, I just need some of this apple butter for Ginny's mum. I think we need to have the house elves come here on a 'scouting mission' before the Quidditch Cup finals. They do such a good sweet sale."
Lol Grach.... :) ... & herewith another sports report!!
Sorcerers Sport 6th October
The opening meeting of the thestral racing season was as usual a dramatic event set on the moors behind Doncaster. Hundreds of wizard families arriving by portkey & apparition as darkness fell. The opening race, the Beginners Handicap a short sprint encompassing York & Doncaster Minsters & sponsored by Creevey Photographic Studios was a closely fought duel between the grey Veela`s Choice owned & trained by Bill Weasley, & capably ridden by the amateur rider Mrs.Ginny Potter, & the black, Scabbers` Digit, second favourite, trained by Lucius Malfoy & ridden by Scorpio Malfoy. The favourite, Red Spider trained by Rubeus Hagrid & ridden by James Potter jnr. was hampered at the start & unable to make up the flying. A magnificent piece of thermal judgement by Mrs Potter gave the grey the advantage & she won by a short head to the chagrin of Scabbers` Digit`s owner Albert Runcorn.
The Main race on the card was a middle distance chase with a south westerly start to round the first point, the Crooked Spire at Chesterfield then on to York Minster & finishing at Doncaster. Sponsorship for this race was as usual provided by H.E.L.V.A. International ( House Elf Licensed Vitallers Association now also with depots in Doors County, Wisconsin.). Dobby & Kreacher, founder members of the associatiion finally managed to get their thestral, Potters Socks, fit for this years race ,& ridden by Dobby & Winky`s son, Dinky, atop an enormous weight cloth The race started with a tightly bunched field, but the Johnson Yard`s Fizzing Firebolt quickly pulled away from the pack with the amateur Mrs Angelina Weasley giving him free rein. Next to show was young Dinky on Potters Socks, but he seemed to be struggling for control & took a wide course out to the west The main bunch led by Scorpio Malfoy on Snakeman gradually made up ground on Fizzing Firebolt, & by the time they were halfway back to York Minster the Johnson`s runner was pulled up. The field was now split, the front fliers being Snakeman leading by half a length to James Potter riding this time for his Uncle on Veela`s Surprise then, a gap of about a length to the veteran Lee Jordan riding Wailing Banshee for the Finnegan yard. Behind him by a good three lengths were Silas Selwyn on his father`s Gaping Ghoul neck & neck with Teddy Lupin on Pustule from the Hagrid yard. As they rounded York Minster Potters Socks shot into the lead on the outside ejected from what appeared to be a small whirlwind, causing Snakeman to unseat Scorpio Malfoy who was fortunately caught between Pustule & Gaping Ghoul & dragged up behind by Teddy Lupin as a passenger. Potters Socks, reins flying, & with the small form of Dinky clinging tightly to his back with eyes closed headed straight for Doncaster moor & crossed the finish half a head in front of Veela`s Surprise with Wailing Banshee two lengths behind, third. After a lengthy stewards inquiry the result was allowed to stand, the magivision monitors verifying that the whirlwind was a natural phenomenon & not magically induced Unfortunately for the punters the several bookies stands that had been doing a roaring trade during the meeting suddenly vanished at some point during the stewards inquiry. Our Sports Reporter has since learned that " Honest Ludo" & " Dependable Dung" along with Gred & Forge`s Tote neatly slid into a pothole & reappeared at Gaping Ghyll many miles away sometime later. MOM, Molly Weasley is known to have aurors on high alert looking for the miscreants
Lady MA, you've done this before, haven't you?! Bet it was yourself that reported on both the Staffordshire Centaur Stakes held on Cannock Chase and the Yorkshire Yuletide Unicorn Hurdle Cup surreptitiously run over the North York Moors.
Very good. Wonder how many of those riders actually have to compete while their mounts remain invisible to them?
Authorities (read the Sheriff) were involved in a high-speed (read 30mph) pursuit on Thursday last. a male subject, who had been drinking somewhat heavily (read spliffed) at the Beach People Bar/Grill, was asked by the owner to leave as he could no longer be served. The male subject fled the establishment and was reported by rather a dubious witness (read really spliffed) to have grabbed a broom from the outside Hallowe'en display and flew off. An off-duty deputy, who shall remain nameless (Guess Who!) was also eating at the Beach People. He followed the miscreant in his Jeep. An anonymous call to the Picker helped this reporter follow the chase via police scanner. Transcript:
Mobile One to Sheriff One-the subject is headed northbound on 42, weaving slightly. [muffled yells-sounds like Voldemort! Back down you snake-faced git] Sheriff One to Mobile One- I copy, am northbound on Q, will get on 57 and head north to Sister Bay and try to intercept. Mobile One to Sheriff One- I copy, he's still headed in the direction of Sister Bay on 42. Approximate speed 25mph. I'm right below but he won't stop. (muffled yelling, sounds like I can't believe you'd try and arrest your most devoted follower) Sheriff One to Mobile one-Copy that. Did you say...below? Can you gimme a physical on the subject? Mobile One to Sheriff one-Copy that. Subject is flying a small personal, um, craft. Approximately 6 feet tall, 170-180 ponds, long blonde hair, black clothing, wearing a cape, believed to have some sort of lameness-has a walking stick. Can you get all intersecting roads blocked? Subject is behaving more erratically. Sheriff One to Mobile One: Copy. All officers, move squads to block all roads intersecting with 42 between Ephraim and Sister Bay. I'm about 2 miles from Sister Bay on 57. Mobile One to Sheriff One-Subject has headed west-going to the Gull's Wing boat launch. I will attempt to continue pursuit. Sheriff One to Mobile One-Copy that. All units: the subject has gone to the Gull's Wing boat launch. Get Bubba to warm up the Whaler. *gap in transmission for around 30 minutes.*
Sheriff One to all units-The subject has fled in a power boat. Coast guard is now in control. Repeat, Coast Guard is now in control. Return to assigned patrols.
We at the Picker will bring you any news when it becomes available. Deputy Tom Riddle was unavailable for comment. Sheriff Zobarski referred us the the Coast Guard press line, but no one would answer our questions.
yep. so many tourists from Illinois, I guess he thought he'd blend in with them. They're all pikers.
we drove through Ephraim, Sister Bay, and Fish Creek en route to and returning from the Thursday search. hwy 42 is fairly narrow through the towns and during the supper hour it was nightmarish trying to thread the truck and trailer among the hoardes of tourists. they just walk in front of oncoming traffic w/out looking. horrible!
GARGANTUAN GAZETTE - the periodical for persons of a positive perpendicular persuasion
Monday 5th October, 2009
In a recent issue of the Gazette, giant Beardy Bandylegs submitted a giant apparel appeal for himself and his clinging clan. This met with a speedy response as we received flyers - and we literally mean flyers - from Marks and Fletchers Marquees and Dung's Dinghies by owl post that we were happy to insert into our classified section.
Sharp-eyed Giant BB lost no time in placing his order and we have good news to relate - apparently your new togs are ready, BB, and being delivered by The All-consuming Cadaver Courier Co. Representatives of the Carriers, Messers Malfoy, Carrow and Greyback have contacted the Gazette to advise that they have successfully negotiated the River Plumm in the Boaty Boots - just to test them for water tightness - and they have transported a gorgeous pair of ship's canvas and callico pants, resplendant with a delicate skull and crossbones design across the derriere. The courteous couriers also advise that the striped pattern 'big top' chemise, complete with pockets and decorative buttons is 'voluminous' - having slept within its confines over several nights to test its aroma retention.
The obliging transport trio have asked us to let Giant BB know that he is now to collect his new ensemble from them on the far side of the Ancient Troll Bridge of the Purple Mountain Pass - and he needs to bring along the rest of his clan so they can view current clothing catalogues and pattern books.
Won't you look just peachy, Giant BB? All you need now is a titfer fer yer dapper napper!
GARGANTUAN GAZETTE - the periodical for persons of a positive perpendicular persuasion
Monday 12th October, 2009
Mystery of the come-alive clothing of the clan of colossi - now, where have all the giants gorn?
We sent Lop-headed Lizbet, our fashion fancying phantom, to Giant Beardy Bandylegs' high couture clothing collection from the meeting at the Ancient Troll Bridge with The All-consuming Cadaver Courier Co. Representatives. Leaning Lizbet has reported back to say that the handover didn't exactly go straightforwardly. In fact 'a meandering manner' would more aptly describe the event!
As the terribly tall tribe kept the rendezvous as instructed, the striped shirt and sailcloth pants appeared to dance of their own accord in midair and the giant's boaty boots commenced an unaided tap dance and set off stomping down the mountain path in the direction of the River Plumm - with all the giants in hot pursuit. The canvas trousers took giant strides all of their own as they, too, joined the downhill trek - with the big top shirt hovering o'er head waving excitedly to all and sundry.
Our fearless phantom followed the chase over several days and nights which did not appear to cease until boots, clothing and jogging giants reached the North Sea, somewhere north of Esbjerg in Denmark. The last communication Lizbet was able to send reported that all the giants had boarded a huge effluent barge, while the clothing still bounced enticingly overhead. The barge then set sail in the direction of the east coast of Britain, and the conjured clothing then fell into the sea.
Giant BB threw one of the smaller giants overboard to retrieve them, and the final sounds heard were 'arf, arf, arf' and loud cracking noises reminiscent of a dull xylophone.
We sincerely hope we still have a ready reader base for this issue of the Gargantuan Gazette.
Urgent message to all shipping in sea areas Forties, Cromarty, Fair Isle, Hebrides, & Malin A large quantity of hazardous debris has been sighted being swept by tidal currents around the north of Scotland. A royal naval destroyer has been sent to investigate.
**** several days later****
Finn McCool , the giant missing for several centuries from his causeway in the north of our fair province after his clothes were burnt by an Irish branch of the Inquisition has returned in a natty set of modern gear. The trendy canvas hoodie teamed with sailcloth cargo pants with a skull & crossbones printed on the seat & set off by Dr. Martens dinghy type boots have given the old lad a new lease of life, along with the Northern Irish economy. Tourists are flocking to see this phenomenon, & the distillery at Bushmills is doing a roaring trade in Giant miniatures!
Excellent. Oh, where will this all end? - and will Lord Voldemort ever successfully recruit the drifting giants into his dark force ready for the battle of Hogwarts?
Owl post delivery to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry; one red envelope Screamer - addressed to pupil Seamus Finnegan:
WILL YE EVER STOP STUFFIN' YER FACE THIS MARNIN' AN' GET YERSELF DOWN TO THAT HALF-WITTED EGIT, HAGRID, TO FOIND OUT WHOY HE'S BRAGHT ALL DEM JOY-ANTS OVER TO THE NARTH!
SURE IF IT AIN'T BRAGHT OUT DE WHOLE OV ULSTER ON SOIGHT-SEEIN' PICNIC TRIPS TO SPOT HOW MANY OV DE BIG PEOPLE DEY CAN SEE!
'AVE YE EVER SEEN DEM AMUSEMENT ARCADE MACHINES WHERE YE 'AVE T' SMACK DE BLAZES OUT OV DOZE LITTLE BLOIGHTERS WIV A MALLET WHEN DEY ARE AFTER POPPIN DERE 'EADS UP OUT OV DERE 'OLES? WELL, DERE'S 'ALF A DOZEN OV DE BIG FELLERS KNOCKIN LUMPS OUT OV DOZE 'ISTORIC BASALT COLUMNS ON DE BALLY CAUSEWAY, ALL AFTER TROYIN'TO GET AN OIRISH JIG CHOON FROM 'EM!
OI BE TELLIN' YE, DE OIRISH MINISTRY LEPRECHAUNS IS GONNA BE WORKIN' OVERTOIME TO MODIFOY DIS MANY MEM'RIES!
GO AN' GET DIS MESS SARTED - NOW!
Yer ol' lovin' Mammy an' Pappy.
PS We're sendin' ye some ov ye gran's soda brid boi separate owl. Now, don't be after givvin' it to de birds in de owlery - ye knows dey can't be managin' de floyin' fer a few days after.