For many years men did not see fatherhood as a very demanding role. Their function was quite simple; they were supposed to bring home a wage packet, get drunk on Fridays, hit the children when requested by their wives, and pay for their daughter’s wedding. They spent the rest of the time in the shed making corner cupboards.
But times have changed. Sometime in the late sixties, about the time people started to worry about the hole in the ozone layer and read the list of ingredients on barbecue flavored potato chips and say things like ‘worst case scenario’ and ‘meaningful relationship’ men discovered there might be more to manhood than bench presses and discharging firearms at unarmed animals.
Women actually demanded they take a hand in bringing up, rather than beating up, their own children.
Fatherhood was invented. Men found it was a bit more difficult than they thought.
This book will let you in on a few parenting secrets, the war stories of those who have survived the domestic battle zones. If you’re a father to be, it will tell you what to expect when she’s expecting.
What the f**k were you thinking anyway? Are condoms really that much of a hassle, stoopid?
Well, it’s too late now.
I was not the classic father. I never hit the parenthood guides. I made jokes about fatherhood. I thought being a dad would be a breeze.
I was wrong.
I’m still not sure if anything prepares you for parenthood. Even when you go into with your eyes wide open, you’ll just get a pudgy peanut-butter stained finger poked in them. Fatigue and frustration will break you sooner or later.
You’ll rant and rave and froth at the mouth. You will shout and threaten.
And that’s just when you see the bill for the ultra sound.
So here it is, the ultimate parenting guide for the father to be.
Chapter 1: Too late now, sucker.
Chapter 2: Preparing for the Happy Event. Start working out now!
Chapter 3: Rose or any other name.
(finding the right monicker for Monica)
Chapter 4: Charting your Progress (What to expect and when to expect it)
Chapter 5: Diaper Days: the good, the bad and wtf is that???
Chapter 6: Eat your greens: a guide to good nutrition. What’s the difference between mucus and broccoli? Kids can’t stand the taste of broccoli.
Chapter 7: the little bit of tissue issue
Chapter 8: the truth, the whole truth. Lies my toddler told me.
Chapter 9: The truth about domestic violence; children are brutal
Chapter 10: pre-school tension - the three year old itch
Chapter 11: Are we there yet? Travelling with children
Chapter 12: Maintaining the illusion of discipline
Chapter 13: The Blood of Others. Can friendship survive children?
Chapter 14: The Watergate Effect: the hazards of answering questions
Chapter 15: If pain persists: the truth about your family doctor
Chapter 16: What’s wrong now?
Chapter 17: Saying goodbye to Guinea. An adult discussion about petting
Chapter 18: The umpire is a jerk: when not to interfere
Chapter 19: Guess what?
Chapter 20: So you want to be a father? A quiz to help you find out if you have The Right Stuff