After surviving situations that make the movie Deliverance seem more like a documentary our gallant Brit decides to try his hand at business but bites off more of the Big Apple than he can chew. He soon has a run in with the New York Mafia which results in such a hysterically funny account that it makes Mickey Blue Eyes look like a drama in comparison.
Can a real British gentleman ever adapt to a nation that was founded on the terrible crime of wasting good tea? Well things start looking up when our man is invited to meet Shakespeare’s descendants in New York, which offers an interesting take on Shakespeare's globe and the opportunity to tame an old shrew. Fortunately in that tale all's well that ends well.
The fourth story has our Brit meet up with an old school chum who has moved to Boston and is trying to live the American dream. Our hero soon realises that his old Cambridge pal is leading a double life, and is drawn into the centre of a dark and sinister lie.
"You are in for a real treat, these stories are a mixture of Monty Python and Jack Kerouac. ‘Surviving the Americans' by James Wilkinson has been written to celebrate the Diamond Jubilee of Queen Elizabeth II - God Bless the Queen!"
Someone tapped a glass for everyone’s attention and an elderly Chinese man took to standing on a small stage at the far end of the room. By now I was firmly rooted on the American’s side of the hall, smiling intensely at the Mafia Boss, trying my best to make a good impression. The elderly Chinese man spoke in English, “I will give my speech in sentences, first in English and then in Mandarin.” He started to speak, “I would like to thank our American friends for 30 years of commerce.” Before he repeated the statement in Chinese the Mafia Boss whispered in my ear, “how do we know that what he’s saying in English is the same thing he’s saying in Chinese?” Somewhat drunk, I replied, “don’t worry, we use to own Hong Kong, I’ll translate for you.” The elderly Chinese man started speaking, to which I took it upon myself to whisper my version of his speech to the Mafia Boss. It went something like this:
“These American pigs will all die! The decadent West has for far too long exploited the people’s Chinese army of workers. Long live communism”, I straightened and then finished by saying, “Or something close to that effect.” The Mafia Boss’s face went from red to purple and then to the sort of red that one could only picture existing in the fires of hell. He muttered out, “commie bastards!”
Leaning back down to address my little Italian friend I whispered, “I have a plan.” He looked up at me and replied “let’s hear it.” So I set about explaining to him that the best form of attack would be to cross over to their side of the room and try and shag as many of their women as possible, you know, show them that we’re not all bad. “Good plan”, he replied sharply.