Thus speaks the Prophecy of the Fairies of Uranus:- "If a Pixy does eat some fairy Tarts The first he'll feel is strangled farts, And though such sounds produce big smiles His arse will soon be bulging piles" The Prophecy has come true for gallant Peter the Pixy. He has indulged in the Fairy Queens tarts and is now stricken with a lethal dose of The Dukes! What to do? Peter has to undertake the Quest for the Permanent Cure. He enrols the help of his old friend Greg the Goblin, Steve the Guarding Gnome and the beautiful Fairy Hanny. Follow them as they deal with the privations on the road through Wails, the land of the Ogres, meet the Trolletariat, paint the town Red with the Gremlins from Fat Larry's Charnel House, until they finally end up at the Fabled Lake of the Gloompty Fish somewhere in the south of Uranus. With the Help of the Imp Rack Tickle and his wife Tess, they seek the final therapy. Can Peters bottom be restored to health? "Just reading your novel...can't remember the last time I laughed out loud reading a book!!! I'm hooked already and I'm only on page 7!!!" Abigail Mack, Head of English. "It's one of nature's great ironies that Uranus is full of methane" Peter Malone, Head of Science. "Whoosh! Sizzzzzzle! Pooooooop!" Ivan, Head of Steam.
Swifty was named in Leeds many years ago as a result of a mix up over pints of beer. When asked if he would like a drink he agreed to a Swifty - and the name stuck. On the same evening he gained a marvellous scar on the bridge of his nose from playing 'headers' with an empty Party Seven can...
Writing began at an early age under the loving caresses of a Catholic school cane. Poetry was his first love, getting as far as submitting an epic called 'Silk Shirted Cavalry' for publication. No idea what he has against horseracing - perhaps it's because nobody has ever invited him to The Grand National.
There was a long period when Swifty took life seriously, got a job and settled down. But all along the tale of Peter the Pixy grew in his head. No matter how much Maths he studied the need to write rose to the top. The first serious attempt was a musical based on the songs of George Formby called 'Let's hear it 4 George' - still waiting for a producer...
'Strange Things From Uranus' has more laughs per page than the bible but isn't quite as funny as Tolstoy. Fairy Hanny will return soon as she helps Time Travellers solve the mystery of the Witch Iz and the Winking Wan King Witch King in 'Trans Uranic Elements; the Dark Side of Uranus'. She may even get into the final volume ;'Vampyres on Uranus' - who knows.
In his alternative form (author unknown) Swifty is working on a detective series featuring Inspector Hunter Flaange and DC Jason Beaver as they work their way through rather strange cases in Ipswich and Suffolk. The first outing is ready in Manuscript form - being edited right now - 'Inspector Flaange and the Death at the Nobbs Factory'.
Also in planning stage are 'Inspector Flaange and the Ph uket State', 'Inspector Flaange and the Eaten Puff' and 'Inspector Flaange and the Foreign Sick Detective'.
Website will come online agin properly soon
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