Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder: Coping When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder: Amazon.co.uk: Paul T. Mason, Randi Kreger: 9781572241084: Books

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Product Description

A self-help guide for family and friends of individuals with Borderline Personality Disorder. Chapters cover personal limits and boundaries, communicating more effectively, suicide and self-mutilation, dealing with a borderline child or parent, and finding effective professional help.

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Is someone you care about causing you a great deal of pain? Read the first page

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Front Cover | Copyright | Table of Contents | Excerpt

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29 Reviews

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4.1 out of 5 stars (29 customer reviews)

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93 of 94 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Excellent resource for those wanting to learn more about BPD, 8 Dec 1998

By A Customer

This review is from: Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder: Coping When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder (Paperback)

One of the scariest things to happen to someone is to be diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder... or to have one of your loved ones diagnosed with BPD. There are many resources that explain what BPD is but they offer little help when it comes to dealing with this disorder in everyday life. Stop Walking on Eggshells not only explains the disorder in clear and simple language but it also offers ways for non-Borderline people to deal with the BPs in their life. And yet, this book is not exclusively for non-Borderline people. As a BP, I found the book to be very educational and sometimes shocking. I learned how my behavior affects others around me. It made me more aware of what non-BPs are thinking and feeling and encouraged me in my desire to change my behaviors through cognitive efforts. The authors are both sensitive to the needs of the Borderline Personality and the non-BPs by using realistic and non-accusatory language. Their goal is to help people deal with this sometimes unexplainable psychological disorder. They do not try to offer solutions but rather focus on different techniques that can be of great aid to non-BPs and Borderline Personalities alike. I recommend this book to anyone who has been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, has a friend or family member with the disorder, or is planning on/works in a field where contact with people is a must.

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215 of 223 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars The truth is out there, 17 Feb 2004

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Feendog (UK) - See all my reviews

This review is from: Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder: Coping When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder (Paperback)

For those of us who feel like we've been living in some weird plot of the X-files where every so often an alien presence takes over our loved one in unpredictable and often destructive ways this book might just be a godsend.

If you have never lived with someone who has BPD characteristics I can imagine it would be impossible to understand just what it's like. They're brilliant, funny, warm and engaging one moment - and then without warning irrational, blisteringly angry, abusive and manipulative. The rage and abuse can last for several hours, sometimes days, and often through the night until morning. After a while the partner without BPD, or the non-BP as it is termed in this book, begins to question their own sense of perception and what is acceptable and normal. This book provides a lightpost back to reality.

One previous review seems to consider this book as some sort of manual for leaving the relationship and providing convenient labels for justifying this action. I am convinced this reviewer must have read a different book. This book is emphatically not about providing labels but about understanding - understanding that the actions of the person with BP are driven by fear and pain, understanding that in order to be able to provide the framework where a healthy mutually supportive relationship can exist BOTH partners have to be healthy with healthy boundaries. This book is about helping the non-BP have the tools to maintain his or her own personhood and thereby ultimately benefit the relationship.

A BP demands so much of their partner's time, resources and emotional energy. The awful aching emptiness within them, this need for reassurance, this desperate attempt for anything to fill this void and ease the pain and terror. It is easy to be sucked into this needy-child world and willingly give of yourself to the point of exhaustion and then after giving so much be utterly bewildered when this person you love suddenly, and for no apparent rational reason, spends the next 7 hours yelling at you with the most appalling verbal abuse, and when you try to (verbally) defend yourself against the onslaught you get punched, kicked, scratched and have objects wildly thrown at you.

Sounds bizarre, but this happened to me at the mere suggestion I made that I was a little tired. I wish I had had this book on this and the countless other occasions where my remarks (innocent and otherwise) have sparked the fury. Reading this book you will be able understand why you have given and given and yet are still treated in the most appalling and abusive way and it also gives you much-needed advice on ways to avoid or reduce these irrational conflicts.

Of course BPD is an extremely serious condition and the sufferers, if they admit it at all, need very intensive therapy and/or medication. This book is not some sort of self-help treatment guide. It is not our job to cure our loved ones of this awful condition. It is also not anyone's job to be perfect and, as this book emphasises, in any relationship we are 100% responsible for our own 50%. This book gives the non-BP back some self-respect and centre. It explains the difference between triggers and causes, so that whilst something you did or said may have triggered a rage it doesn't mean that you have caused it or that it excuses the consequent verbal or physical abuse.

This book, by giving the non-BP some tools to maintain his or her sanity in the face of sometimes overwhelming opposition, may just be the very thing that keeps a relationship alive. These poor damaged souls are so needy, so empty, so vulnerable and so precious yet are also capable of the most aggressive, nasty, irrational and unloving behaviour - paradoxically the very sort of behaviour that drives away the love they most need. This book will help you understand the reasons for this and to maintain your own dignity in the face of the onslaught. There is some real hope contained in these pages.

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17 of 17 people found the following review helpful:

4.0 out of 5 stars Excellent description, dodgy advice, 26 Aug 2009

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LondonUK (London, UK) - See all my reviews

This review is from: Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder: Coping When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder (Paperback)

This book might have changed my life. But it has some flaws.
I have been involved in a relationship with someone very close to me for two years. This book has given me the confidence to see that her behavior is the result of a deep psychological problem. This realization has really changed how I see this relationship.

The symptoms of the relationship are constant insecurity and inappropriate anger and inability to negotiate. Constant allegations that I am betraying her. Using incidents such as me being in a meeting, or having my phone on silent, as examples of me cheating on her. An inability to say things like 'I am lonely and need a hug' and instead to voice emotions by making accusations and 'you' statements such as 'You don't care about me!.. You are too close to your [secretary] [old school friend] .. [whoever]' People with BPD use these misaligned factual statements as a substitute for voicing deep emotions inside them. And when you try to discuss, or allay these accusations, more factual allegations are thrown at you, and the earlier ones are forgotten.

This book has helped me because it makes me realize where these accusations come from, and that 'usual' responses to these situations are not going to work. The authors say there are four standard responses that never work: deny, defend, counterattack, and withdraw. Instead, the book says it is better to sidestep the false 'facts' thrown at you, and focus instead on the emotions that are going on. It makes me realize these people are just talking a different language. They want to have their hurt heard and echoed. There is no point taking these accusations literally.

But there are still question marks about the book. Despite the advice not to deny or withdraw, etc, the book suggests that sometimes these actions are warranted. It also makes too easy a distinction between 'BPD' and 'non-BPD' that seems too glib. More could be said about how and why both partners come together, and how their interaction makes issues, rather than just one person.

I have seen various criticisms of this book that suggest the book is not good if you want to be supportive. I can see some of this. But I also think these comments are a bit harsh because the book does offer various ways to stay with your partner; and urges you to consider your own shortcomings (although it does not do this deeply). I think there is a risk that the title could be seen as accusatory to people with BPD. But really it is also talking about codependent / or overly affected people who risk losing their own identity as they seek to service the person with BPD. This is a huge risk and it needs to be made clearer. But the book does not really go into detail about this aspect. Hence the title is fair for some people; not for all; and some people with BPD are certainly more aware and concerned about keeping partners than others.

So, read this book if you are confused about why your relationship is full of accusation. But it is a bit weak on saying what to do about this; or why YOU might be involved too.

Good luck.

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Most Recent Customer Reviews

5.0 out of 5 stars Very hepful
I found this book to be a wealth of interesting information and suggestions. Many of the scenarios and typical behaviours really struck home. Read more

Published 2 days ago by Reginald