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Product Description
Book Description
A step-by-step guide that offers invaluable help and advice from Relate, the experts in couple counselling.
Product Description
For some people, a disagreement with a loved one is a catastrophe, a sign that a relationship must surely be over, for others a heated discussion is a way of letting off steam, a way of ensuring that passion is kept alive. But what is 'normal' communication for couples? How can you get past the raised voices or silent disapproval, to listen and understand what is really being said by your partner? Relationships change over time, and the way we communicate does too. This practical, readable and sometimes humorous book, based on over 60 years cumulative experience from Relate, the marriage guidance experts, will help couples to break free of old patterns of behaviour and avoid using words as weapons when the going gets tough. It will help encourage upfront discussion rather than resorting to nagging, and will give you the skills you need to understand what your partner is really trying to say to you - to bring discussion rather than confrontation back into your relationships. (20000913)
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Customer Reviews
Most Helpful Customer Reviews
121 of 122 people found the following review helpful
Format:Paperback
After a major blow-up in our relationship I bought this book as a last hope. It has explained to me why conflicts arise, to understand them, and deal with these differently. It has made me see that the root causes of arguments are totally different to the subject of an individual conflict. The book lets you explore your relationship with tasks leading to "ten steps" to recovery. An excellent and encouraging book - a "must buy" if you love the person, but hate the conflict. TWD.
61 of 62 people found the following review helpful
Format:Paperback
This ten step book encourages an acceptance that there is no 'magic answer' to resolving conflict - yet what counts is wanting to change, and being willing to work at it.
Anyone who has ever had an argument with a loved one will know the anguish that such conflict can cause, especially if it is prolonged. It can seem hopeless - but it doesn't have to be. Susan Quilliam's book offers examples of how many different couples can make it work if they choose - their strategies depend on their individual problems. Where this book is most helpful is the case studies of genuine couples who have seen Relate counsellors.
The book encourages you (alone or, preferably, with your partner) to start pinpointing exactly what is the real problem underlying your relationship - often, what you are arguing about is a mere cover for more deep-rooted, fundamental issues and unresolved problems, often stemming from as far back as early childhood.
The reader is encouraged to examine why they fight - but also HOW they fight, with different approaches to argumental 'tactics', crucial to reccognise both in yourself as well as your partner. Susan Quilliam helpfully provides both good and bad 'replies' to a partner during a 'step by step' argument, guiding couples to a more focused, productive mode of communication that does not fall back on aggression.
We are encouraged to discover what pushes a partner's 'panic buttons' as well as our own, and how to tackle problems as a couple. With useful features such as 'Anatomy of an Argument', we become more able to understand how an argument can develop - but also, crucially, how to divert or 'steer' it to a more fruitful and peaceful conclusion.
With the in-depth, clearly analysed and expertly proffered advice within these pages, we may become far more adept at handling our conflicts and start talking - but we may also become more able to help our friends, family and children - who rely on us to provide patterns of behaviour.
Anyone who has ever had an argument with a loved one will know the anguish that such conflict can cause, especially if it is prolonged. It can seem hopeless - but it doesn't have to be. Susan Quilliam's book offers examples of how many different couples can make it work if they choose - their strategies depend on their individual problems. Where this book is most helpful is the case studies of genuine couples who have seen Relate counsellors.
The book encourages you (alone or, preferably, with your partner) to start pinpointing exactly what is the real problem underlying your relationship - often, what you are arguing about is a mere cover for more deep-rooted, fundamental issues and unresolved problems, often stemming from as far back as early childhood.
The reader is encouraged to examine why they fight - but also HOW they fight, with different approaches to argumental 'tactics', crucial to reccognise both in yourself as well as your partner. Susan Quilliam helpfully provides both good and bad 'replies' to a partner during a 'step by step' argument, guiding couples to a more focused, productive mode of communication that does not fall back on aggression.
We are encouraged to discover what pushes a partner's 'panic buttons' as well as our own, and how to tackle problems as a couple. With useful features such as 'Anatomy of an Argument', we become more able to understand how an argument can develop - but also, crucially, how to divert or 'steer' it to a more fruitful and peaceful conclusion.
With the in-depth, clearly analysed and expertly proffered advice within these pages, we may become far more adept at handling our conflicts and start talking - but we may also become more able to help our friends, family and children - who rely on us to provide patterns of behaviour.
19 of 19 people found the following review helpful
Format:Paperback
This is a practical and constructive 10-step plan to help couples in conflict to resolve arguments. However the book goes beyond just settling your differences temporarily, examining the reasons why conflict arises in the first place, the sides to each of you which create and aggravate problems and reasons why arguments can rear their ugly heads again in exactly the same guise even after you think you have finally succeeded in conquering them. So rather than simply resolving an argument once only for the bickering to continue the next day, you end up with a much wider view of the situation and its causes and are able to avoid the argument arising at all in the future rather than having to diffuse it afterwards.
The book includes useful advice not just for the couples directly involved but for those which it (insightfully) recognises are likely to be closely affected by a couple in conflict - most notably any children in the relationship. It includes useful practical guides such as a comparison of 'What's happening' and 'What's happening underneath', to help you understand your partner's behaviour, your childrens' behaviour, and your own behaviour, and to analyse its causes. This provides a really helpful insight as it encourages you to understand why your partner is reacting in a certain way rather than just taking his or her anger or aggression at face value and reacting to it in kind.
The book includes real case studies which help to illustrate practical ways of tackling specific problems, and is useful both for couples who have decided together to look for help in resolving the problems in their relationship, but also for individuals looking for guidance to steer a turbulent relationship towards calmer waters.
Overall a helpful and practical guide, but don't forget that often a book cannot be a substitute for counselling, and that if your relationship problems are deeper you may need to contact your local branch of Relate for personalised help.
The book includes useful advice not just for the couples directly involved but for those which it (insightfully) recognises are likely to be closely affected by a couple in conflict - most notably any children in the relationship. It includes useful practical guides such as a comparison of 'What's happening' and 'What's happening underneath', to help you understand your partner's behaviour, your childrens' behaviour, and your own behaviour, and to analyse its causes. This provides a really helpful insight as it encourages you to understand why your partner is reacting in a certain way rather than just taking his or her anger or aggression at face value and reacting to it in kind.
The book includes real case studies which help to illustrate practical ways of tackling specific problems, and is useful both for couples who have decided together to look for help in resolving the problems in their relationship, but also for individuals looking for guidance to steer a turbulent relationship towards calmer waters.
Overall a helpful and practical guide, but don't forget that often a book cannot be a substitute for counselling, and that if your relationship problems are deeper you may need to contact your local branch of Relate for personalised help.
Most Recent Customer Reviews
Excellent
This really opened our eyes to the pathway to arguments and how to avoid them. It is very clear and really put us on the right path. Thank you
Published 2 months ago by Durham_Red
It takes two!
I bought this in the hope that my husband & I could resolve our problems without needing to involve anyone else. Read more
Published 5 months ago by tilly
Not for Me.....
I bought this book based on the reviews listed on Amazon. I could'nt wait for it to come in the post (thinking based on the reviews this book is the answer to all my prayers). Read more
Published 16 months ago by Debbie
my thoughts
I read the reviews, bought the book... and the arguments stopped! I explained to my boyfriend that I was sick of the arguments and I had bought a book I would like us to read... Read more
Published 18 months ago by Claire Rees
Stop arguing and start talking: 10 point plan
Fast delivery. Good easy to read book. Ordered two (one for and from another individual). Mine arrived with lots of hand written comments throughout the book which is distracting... Read more
Published on 11 April 2010 by Andrea Banks
fair
I have not been that impressed with this book. Although it is a short read and a good starting point for anyone in relationship difficulties
Published on 10 Nov 2009 by Rachel Hopkins
Extremely Useful "How to" Book
An excellent book looking at why but more importantly how couples argue, distinguishing unhelpful sytles from helpful styles. Read more
Published on 22 Jan 2002
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