Stepmonster: A New Look at Why Real Stepmothers Think, Feel, and Act the Way We Do [Hardcover]

Let me start off by saying that nothing has liberated me from my internal struggles with step-motherhood like this book has. It has allowed me to feel okay about how I feel. Before my marriage I knew I was going to need some good advice on step-mothering so I bought a book on it. (And many others since) Regrettably, it was not this book as it was not yet published. THIS is the book you need. This book was written by a stepmother, for stepmothers. A negative review of this book could only come from someone who has not experienced step-motherhood!

Since many won't read this review in its entirety, I must get this out right now...If you are contemplating marriage to a man with children then let me share a secret that no one shared with me... There isn't anything fun about a step family, and to elaborate, there is nothing fun about being a stepmom. I thought that step-motherhood was a mission I could undertake and I thought my gain was going to be far greater than my loss. I assure you... I was wrong!! No one warned me AT ALL of what I was facing and I am straight up pissed off about that. Being a step-mother makes for a difficult, lonely life and it doesn't ever feel like a real family. So I hate to sound bitter here, but the fact is, I am bitter. Save yourself the heartache. This is not what marriage (or family) was intended to be. Read this book and take heed! If you are not moved to seriously reevaluate your decision to marry this man, then you are a hopeless optimist. You will, throughout your marriage, be able to relate to damn near every sentence in this book.

Stepmonster - Even the title might scare you from reading it. Who would want to admit that they might be a Stepmonster? And you could certainly never let anyone see you reading this book. I bought this book instead of getting it from the library as I normally would to avoid the embarrassment and shame I would feel if the librarian might wonder if I were really a Stepmonster. I bought a book cover so I could read it in public places. And this book encompasses that reality in and of itself. I am of the fortunate step mothers who have 'good' step kids. And rarer yet: 'good, teenage, step-daughters'. Yet I still find myself feeling these step-monsterish feelings, which has lead me to feel horrible about myself and doubt the heart of what I know to be true...I am a good person.

My best friend is a step mom also,(Thank God)and I told her 2 things about this book before I was even 3 chapters into it.
1) Wednesday has been reading my journal. She has pegged my sentiments down to the quotation marks when I write about my 'family'.
2) Outside of our honest communication with each other, reading this book is the most therapeutic thing I have experienced since becoming a step-mom. It is important to have other stepmothers to talk to because no one except another Stepmom can truly understand and surely never show sympathy or compassion for an evil (or not so evil) Stepmom.

Stepmothers don't get permission to feel anything less than never-ending love and understanding toward their step-kids. Yet those very step-kids are almost expected to dislike and reject their stepmothers, and understood if they do. All the while our husbands and the rest of society expect the adult (us, even if the children are also adults) to take the high road in the face of the steady pain that is inflicted upon us. Our step children are never expected to love us like they love their mothers (or even like us) but we stepmothers are not offered any clemency if we do not love our step children like we would (or do) love our own, and God forbid we don't even like them. Why?!?! If it weren't for the fact that I am the older of the 2 of us I would never be expected to accept such an injustice or demonstrate such pure sacrifice. Absurd! But there is no doubt that this is our reality.

Wednesday also touches on the fact that our husbands contribute to our pain as much and sometimes more than the kids themselves; either by excusing or defending his child's actions, disregarding our feelings, not acknowledging our hurt, blaming us for not possessing the ability to bond or for not trying hard enough, regularly placing their children's needs before ours, or taking their side in a disagreement. This makes for a lonely, sad and unfulfilling marriage at the very least. But more likely adds to that, anger, regret, resentment, hopelessness & misery that you may have otherwise never had to experience if you had married a man who loved you first and foremost.

I still have genuine moments of admiration for his children. They really are good kids, with good hearts. The truth is that if they were not my step-kids I could be free to love them for the wonderful spirits they are. But their mere position in my life and mine in theirs creates a barrier to that flow and serves as a daily reminder that I did not come first and there is nothing that can change that reality...Ever!

Bleak as it may be, I have found it to be 100% accurate. I felt validated at every turn of the page. By the end of the book I felt more human than monsterish, and that, my friend, hasn't been the case in over 5 years. Thank you, Wednesday, for that invaluable gift. Your book has allowed me to love me again!

Wednesday Martin could have written a moving memoir about her own experiences as a stepmother. She could have pieced together an enlightening narrative from interviews with stepmothers. Or she could have done a scholarly, rigorously researched treatise on what history and sociobiology have to say about stepmothering. Instead she has done all three, succinctly and articulately, in fewer than 300 pages.

Stepmonster dares to speak uncomfortable truths: that even the nicest stepmothers and stepchildren frequently don't like each other; that it can take years for stepfamilies to settle into something resembling a satisfactory adjustment; that stepmothers and stepchildren virtually never form bonds as close as birth parents and children; and that all of these things are completely normal.

For any woman who is a stepmother or is considering becoming one, this book is like water in the desert.

In a word: "Wow!"

This is truly a first-of-its-kind book about stepmothering as it focuses exclusively on the needs, perceptions, emotions and experiences of the stepmother. Thank you, Wednesday Martin, for finally giving stepmothers validation and a voice. Well-written and impeccably sourced, it presents an unflinching look at stepmothering. I couldn't put it down and read it in one day!

I know from personal experience, both as a stepmother and stepdaughter, that stepparenting is one of the toughest and most thankless jobs in the world; compassion fatigue is a real risk. And, unfortunately, to date, most of the books disseminated by the blended family/stepparenting industry are child-centric, advising newly-blended families to put the needs of the children from the prior marriage first. Add to that all of the messages from popular culture, media, etc. that subtly and not-so-subtly vilify stepmothers (e.g., "Cinderella") and it should come as no surpise that second marriages with stepchildren fail at such an alarming rate. "Stepmonster" brings a fresh perspective to this particular sub-genre of self-help books; I sincerely hope it is but the first of many books to fairly explore the precarious role of the stepmother in modern family life.

My personal take-away message from this book was that, as stepparents and stepchildren, we are, to each other, non-essential personnel and must strive to form our bonds based upon civility and mutual respect (picking up after oneself doesn't hurt either!). We don't have to a have a perfect relationship or one that mimics the biological parent-child relationship. Rather, the stepparent-stepchild relationship can take many forms, ranging from a close, warm, family-like interaction to an arms-length but cordial experience, depending upon each individual. Most importantly, a stepmom owes it to herself to carefully evaluate what she can and cannot give her stepchildren in order to preserve her family and avoid burn-out.

Kudos to Wednesday Martin!