Speed 2: Cruise Control [DVD] [1997]

The sequel to one of the decade's defining action blockbusters should have been pretty straightforward. All Jan De Bont (the film's director) had to do was follow five rules. One, come up with an immensely high concept. Two, maintain the action at a relatively swift pace. Three, give Annie (Sandra Bullock's character) plenty to say because audiences love her. Four, introduce a psychotic villain to scowl and yell like Dennis Hopper. And five, give us plenty more of Keanu Reeves character, SWAT boy Jack Traven, to woo the hearts of the female audience and bust the balls of anyone who gets in his way.

Rule one receives a big fat tick, as the filmmakers come up with a neat reversal of the original. If the newly chosen mode of transport DOESN'T stop, then everyone is in trouble. From this point on though, everything else receives a big fat cross. Rule two is immediately stuffed up by setting the forthcoming events on...wait for it...a cruise ship, meaning the action now progresses with the momentum of a wounded snail attempting to navigate through a puddle of treacle. Rule three also screws up with the screenwriters' decision to relegate Sandra Bullock to the sidelines, oohing and aahing as the men battle it out.

Rule four dies the moment that Willem Dafoe begins to gurn like Jim Carrey with severe constipation. Worst of all, we are informed that his nutjob has a strange blood disease that requires him to apply leeches at regular moments throughout the film...to think that someone actually got paid to write this stuff. And as for rule five...well, it appears to have been thrown out of a very tall building, as it is goodbye Keanu Reeves and hello Jason 'mahogany' Patric. Add dialogue that lands with the thud of a computer instruction manual, as well as clumsy and quite simply pathetic directing, and you are left with a film that sinks to the ocean floor. A one star film at best and it was lucky to get that.

Sandra ("Oh my gawd!") Bullock suffers a serious case of déjà vu as she sets sail for one of the most cringeworthy sequels ever made. With a budget of over two hundred million dollars, one would expect at least two things; that with the same money it took produce 'Titanic' (also released in 1997), you would enjoy a movie with a more than descent script, and that the plot would make some sort of sense. Alas, this is not the case.

Speed 2 falls into the 'Armageddon' category - that being the only way to enjoy it is to literally disengage your brain and naively accept everything that is thrown at you. But for those who prefer to stay plugged in, you will ultimately suffer a headache from some serious face-palming (that's modern lingo for slapping one's head, 'dude') after two hours of this nonsense.

I'm not even sure how they (20th Century Fox, the masters of action flicks) could allow this to go so wrong after the quite enjoyable first movie. It all kicks off when Annie, who only 3-minutes into the film is already having good ol' "Oh my gawd!" session (during a driving test of course, so she can enjoy behaving dumb) suddenly discovers that her boyfriend is none other than some secret mysterious cop... guy... as he comes crashing in front of her during a car chase. And I can assure you that Officer Alex Shaw was NOT picked for his acting ability; rather, he has the chiseled jaw that you could set your watch to and biceps that will no doubt crush a weaklings head.

The outcome of this incident is that Annie suddenly comes to her senses: she doesn't 'know' this guy. She didn't know he was a cop, and quite frankly, she pretty much admits that he's almost a stranger. This begs the question of why they would even be partners in the first place, but the insipid script would suggest that they're just common Hollywood morons. How are they going to patch things up? Well, like in all new relationships, they go on a cruise to the Caribbean.

Now things can get interesting! I mean, what could go wrong?...

After boarding what appears to be either an undersized cruise 'ship' or an oddly designed ferry (which I warn you, seems to change in proportion many times throughout the movie), we can finally familiarise ourselves with the hapless idiots that make up all the cliche' in the book... The crazy babbling black guy, the group of screaming fat women, the casanova who likens his chances with anything demonstrating a pulse and, of course, the crew members who are about as helpful as a chocolate teapot.

It's a fine mixture for the chaos that ensues. The touch paper is provided by some crazy guy called Will...llem...liam... ... W. Defoe (all I know is that he fought in Vietnam with Charlie Sheen) who basically wants to be a douche bag and crash the ship because the shipping company he worked for fired him.

Oh.

... Well, once you've got over that BOMBSHELL, and what is essentially the main catalyst for everything that happens, you're pretty much stuck with an underwhelming motive for destruction. Add to this the fact that although he wants revenge on the company he worked for, he uses this chance to take over the ship and steal the passengers jewellery from the ship's safe (which we don't see how he got into). I mean seriously, aren't their easier ways to imitate the Pink Panther?

It doesn't matter though, because after hacking into the ship's main computer terminal controlling thing-a-majig (you know, that Hollywood thing that all bad guys 'hack' into to cause some trouble), he can suddenly control everything from a computer keyboard on his arm. Someone's after him? Randomly press buttons and the doors around him close. Change the ship's course? Randomly press buttons... You get the drift. No pun intended.

So once he's had his bit of fun and stalled the ship temporarily, jackass Officer Alex Shaw can - literally - smell something wrong, because the smoke being vented from the ducts (caused by a fiendish fire decoy) is not the right compound. Rather than just getting in a liferaft like every other passenger, he just has to stay on board and suddenly take control WITHOUT telling a single person crew member for the rest of the movie that he's even a cop! They all just assume that he's, like, Steven Segal on another ship.

The movie then touches on just about every cliché going for the next hour... Trapped passengers, a child in a flooding room, the dumb British characters, "My god....", and of course the epic finalé How epic is it? Well, I don't know what the screenwriters were drinking, but I have no idea how this constantly shrinking-largening vessel could possibly crash into a harbour, crawl onto land and continue to devastate a lush Caribbean waterfront whilst maintaining a constant speed and structural integrity. How does the ship one minute completely leave the sea and destroy everything in its path, then on the final shot of the movie, provide an accomplished-but-tradgic view of it still touching the water?

The outcome isn't as entertaining as process, of course. We have a crew member yelling out the speed every time it decreases (Since when have a ship's propellers been a reliable source for speed on dry land?), the passengers being flailed left, right and centre, Sandra Bullock held hostage as usual and Officer Idiot flexing his muscles whilst making - seemingly - futile attempts to stop the ship.

You think this all sounds pessimistic? Excuse yet another pun, but I'm only touching the iceberg here. The difference between this movie and it's predecessor was that the former had motives (if questionable ones) for drama and destruction. This on the other hand is just a confused excuse to holiday in the Caribbean and destroy things.

Wait a minute.. Why's this even called 'Speed'? It has NOTHING in relation to the concept of speed or the original movie! Ahh hell with it, I'm tired now.

Possibly the worst film I have ever seen, it is full of impossibly stupid situations. The fact that the title refers to a more-than fast-paced situation, you would expect some action. But no. All you get is an annoyingly monotonous two hours of boredom. Sandra Bullock is especially disappointing considering her fiesty role in the original blockbuster. Jason Patrick is fairly likeable, but Bullock is irritatingly shrill to the extreme. My advice is to look elsewhere, as Jan De Bont here has delivered a poor movie on a not-too-exciting disc.