Simon Says [DVD]

I have some considerable empathy with the other one star reviewers who have written quite short and to the point damning reviews of this film, it is a life draining experience and slightly depressing to endure 84 minutes of such idiocy. I can't remember the last time, if ever, I have come away from a film feeling slightly irritated in mood. SS feels like the film equivalent of being on the receiving end of an unprovoked two fingers or a verbal assault.
The reviewers who either switched off at the 10 minute mark or knew from this point what they were in for have nailed it. I hit the 10 min wall and could tell this was a hopeless case and actually had the dvd remote in my hand but persisted because of the flashback killing scene which wasn't too bad at all but turned out to be the only salvageable bit from this wreck of a film.
The worlds most tedious and pointless protaganist who plays both twin brothers kills or tries to kill a bunch of hedonistic 'teens' in the woods and also some paintballers who amble in half way through to provide some variety from the teens. The signature move for this film is the pickaxe whether it be the killer(s) with a solitary pickaxe or one of the many mechanical medieval type devices they have rigged up in the woods which fire pickaxes ten to the dozen. So you have a scene, replicated twice, of one of the happy campers running through the woods and breaking the inevitable piece of string which sends the pickaxe catapaults into action. Think Indiana Jones when he steps in the wrong place and those darts start coming out of the walls either side of him but in a dense forest with pickaxes coming out of the night at every angle, missing every tree and each other so we see our hero running whilst squatting intermittingly whilst there are in excess of 20 pickaxes on screen at any moment flying about. The second chap adopted the rolling technique; both methods proved equally effective should you find yourself in such a pickle.
There was gore but because for the most part you could see at the last moment the thing splattered was a dummy or a severed hand not dissimilar to the rubber ones you can buy in any joke shop it was rendered ineffective. In one scene when an unlucky fellow is on fire you can tell it is someone in makeup or with a mask on with computer generated flames added around him.
If I had to pick a scene that epitomises the sorry state of this film it would be at the very start when the teens stop off at a graveyard. A 'creepy' gravedigger appears in a really amateurish 'lets make this a jumpy bit' which falls flat on its face. This character is designed to set the tone, the air of menace, to show the creepy edgy characters that live around the woods. He performs this responsibility by speaking really slowly and pointing at things really slowly whilst wearing too much ashen grey face makeup. For double the thrills another character appears, his brother as it happens, who appears on screen already in pointing position doing the slow shuffle and slow talking thing as well.
The killer(s) in the film just babble non-stop like idiots in a high pitched manner which the director presumably believes conveys weirdness and scariness as opposed to the high levels of irritation and tedium I felt. The end bit drags on and on. I did at one point leave the room to empty the cat litter tray during the scene when the last female is trying to psychoanalyse 'Stan' you know tell him how better he is than Simon blah blah, When I resumed viewing this scene was still ongoing with her on top of him (fully clothed) desperately trying to reach for that machete that's always a finger tip away. It didn't matter, she eventually buried it in his head and he did a Michael Myers anyway and disappeared allbeit right next to her and with no discernable cover to disappear into before a hand reaches up from the bottom of the screen directly in front of her to grab her.
I don't really get other reviewers talking about a 'twist' What twist? The film panned out a certain way and delivered a certain conclusion. There isn't a twist, this film isn't intelligent enough to incorporate a twist. It ended with (spoiler) the killer back in his little shop with the surviving woman in the basement holding twins.
Yes there is a twin thing going on in this one shop town, big deal. The metaphor which struck me as the most apt last night concerned this film and my shovelling of the cat litter tray.
Desperately bad.

What originally attracted me to this film was Crispin Glover in the lead role. I have always been meaning to watch more films with him in, after his brilliant performance in Willard, however this film is one I wish I'd given a miss!

I would have to say the worst thing about this film was Glover himself (and I hate to say that!), his performance was just irritating and daft. To be fair, the script was pretty poor, but the voice he was putting on made me want to turn the film off.

As for the rest of the film, it didn't have a particularly strong plot, group of teenagers going camping in the woods, serial killer strikes, yada yada yada. What usually makes films like that entertaining are the kills, but I didn't think they were anything special, after awhile they were all the same. I did enjoy the opening sequence, which I won't spoil, but I don't think its anything to write home about.

There isn't a lot to say about the way it was filmed, fairly standard, nothing impressive, no interesting sound design or soundtrack to mention. The actors were typically annoying teenagers, the type you would see in any slasher film, and the settings were fairly boring (mostly just woods.)

Overall, its just not an entertaining film, it's as simple as that. I realise a good review would go into more detail, but I just don't think there is a lot to actually talk about with this film, nothing spectacular happens, its not a great visual experience, and the acting leaves a lot to be desired. I wouldn't recommend.

For the most part a bog-standard teens-in-the-woods slasher film, which would probably have sunk without a trace if not for the casting. Crispin Glover is the main draw here, but I found his performance irritating, and OTT even for him. Even a Brit like me can tell that the southern American accent is ridiculous. But then it's not a serious film, and without his scene-munching it could have been much worse. The crew make the most of the low budget and produce plenty of gore, some ludicrous kills and some funny moments (someone's head as a CD player, dog getting stomped on.) As you'd expect there really isn't a plot, and the rest of the characters are your typical teens in peril types. If you're a gorehound and slasher fan you'll probably pick this up anyway, if not I can't really recommend it.

NB - I'll give my copy away for free to anyone who can properly explain what the girl on horseback was all about.