Sidewalks Of Bangkok [1984] [DVD]

In this film, secret agents and gangsters seek a weapon which they believe to be in the possession of Eva, a diminuitive Thai prostitute. Eva (Yoko) is lured to Paris by Francoise Blanchard (THE LIVING DEAD GIRL), a gangster who tells her that her boyfriend (or favorite john) Rick is waiting for her there. What ensues is a struggle between the agents and the gangsters to get their hands on Eva and the weapon. I suppose it sounds like a watchable little yarn, but from the get-go there are problems. The soundtrack is terrible. The footage in Bangkok has nothing to do with the plot and despite all the strip teases, it is very wearisome to sit thru. The actor who plays the Fu Manchu-like Tong is a caucasian actor trying to play an Asian. Karloff and Lee may have gotten away with this sort of thing, but this guy is definitely not up to it. Once Yoko arrives in France, there is a lot of her running around on the lamb, and these scenes are a little more Rollinlike, for Yoko is just the sort of girlish slut one often sees in his films, altho they usually come in pairs. The violence in the film is senseless and about as convincing as watching children playing a game of cops and robbers. Rollin clearly has no feeling for a movie of this type. He is on much firmer ground with vampires, pirates, and nude women who have lost their memory.

Jean Rollin is a name instantly recognizable to hardcore horror fans, yet meaningless to nearly everyone else. This ignorance is quite unfortunate because the French director concocted some of the sleaziest, most unusual films ever made during the 1970s and 1980s, films usually imbued with a disturbing mix of hypereroticism and bloody violence. I have often tossed Rollin's name around in impolite company with seeming aplomb even though I had never seen even one of the man's films. You read enough plot synopses about someone and you start to feel as though you know every intimate detail about their work. What I did hear from others about this director oftentimes did not bode well. He is apparently well versed in schlock filmmaking, which in and of itself is not a problem with me, a true lover of bad cinema, but several of his films continue to draw raves from a selected minority of genre fans. Well, I finally sat down with a Jean Rollin film, his 1979 effort "Fascination," and was pleasantly surprised with the results. Then I followed up with "Living Dead Girl" and was even more impressed. Then came "Lips of Blood," "The Demoniacs," and "The Sidewalks of Bangkok." No wonder most people think Rollin is a hack.

"The Sidewalks of Bangkok" is the worst Rollin film I've had the displeasure to feast my eyes upon. Don't expect to see the director's trademark female vampires indulging in lascivious behaviors here. Instead, Uncle Jean forces us to watch his take on the spy genre. It all starts when a French intelligence agent (an oxymoron of sublime proportions) named Rick falls prey to an assassin while out capturing the sights and sounds of the city with his camera. His bosses back in France, who apparently do nothing more than sit around in a dark room smoking cigarettes and watching Rick's footage, express horror at this nefarious crime. Apparently Rick carried a vial containing a deadly plague that is now missing, and the French want to do everything in their power to get it back. They enlist the services of another agent named Roger to head over to Thailand and locate Rick's female companion Eva (Yoko). They suspect that the deceased agent might have given the vial to this pert little Thai gal. They also suspect that an infernal crime boss by the name of Rita (Brigitte Borghese) is actively engaged in locating the same vial. And so we learn as the movie shows this gangster enlist the services of her own operative, Claudine (Francoise Blanchard), to track down Eva.

What follows ranks as one of the most boring films ever captured on film. Roger and Claudine show up in Thailand and discover Eva works at a harridan hotel run by a guy who looks like a poor man's version of Fu Manchu. Claudine manages to purchase Eva from this chap and, posing as an associate of the late Rick, convinces the clueless young girl that she needs to go to France aboard a freighter in order to reunite with her secret agent lover. Once back in France plot twists and turns abound. Rita wants to torture Eva in order to ascertain the location of the precious vial, but Claudine has grown quite fond of this girl and doesn't want to see her hurt. Needless to say, Claudine and Eva join forces to thwart both Rita's evil designs while avoiding the clutches of the French intelligence operatives. It's rather difficult to remember exactly what happened during the last part of the film because any useful plot information disappears under extended chase sequences that go nowhere. Remember how Rollin always uses lengthy tracking shots of characters running or walking in other films? The same technique is used to mind deadening effect here. We see Eva running through a train yard and fields for what feels like forever. I started screaming "Enough already! Just wrap this thing up!" at the screen.

In fact, most of "The Sidewalks of Bangkok" is nothing but mindless filler. A dance sequence at the beginning of the film, which I suspect was supposed to be "exotic," achieves nothing of the sort. It's dreadful, mind meltingly banal stuff whose only purpose is to stretch this turkey out to an acceptable runtime. If you're hoping the performances will save the film, think again. Not one actor inspires a bit of interest in the proceedings, not even the gals who waltz around in their birthday suits. Francoise Blanchard, who if memory serves me correctly played the lead character in "Living Dead Girl," sports a haircut that would give Billy Ray Cyrus sweat soaked nightmares. And where did they find that guy to play the Fu Manchu character? Oh lordy! I haven't seen a makeup job this bad since...well, ever. Note to future filmmakers: when casting for an Asian character, hire an Asian actor. Even worse, the film's soundtrack/score consists of inane Eurodisco crud. A more appropriate score for this film would be the sound of brakes squealing followed by crunching metal played on an endless loop. Yes, I'm saying "The Sidewalks of Bangkok" is a car wreck.

If you can survive the lobotomy that is "The Sidewalks of Bangkok," you can always check out the meager supplements included on the disc: a trailer, stills, and a Rollin filmography (more like a rap sheet). In the future I should just stick to tried and true Jean Rollin films like "Fascination" and "Living Dead Girl." It seems like any time I venture off the beaten path with this filmmaker's work I end up stumbling into a quagmire. And this from someone who loves bad cinema! Recommended for no one, actually, except perhaps those snooty souls who think all forms of French cinema equal metaphysical brilliance. Force them to sit through this one and see how quickly they revise their opinion!

There are many misconceptions about Thailand and this "B" movie capitalizes on all of them. This very weak and plotless spy film centers on the chase of a Thai prostitute who unwillingly gets stuck with a biological weapon. The chase leads the viewers through strip clubs, kinky massage parlors and mud wrestling pits of what we are supposed to believe is Bangkok. However, the Asians in the film are not Thai. Some are Vietnamese and one is Caucasian made to look what Rollins must believe to be Thai. The action scenes are also absurdly unrealistic and the entire film is one pointless scene after another.