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Shit My Dad Says [Unabridged] [Paperback]

Justin Halpern
4.4 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (161 customer reviews)

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Book Description

4 Jun 2010

'At 28 years old, I found myself living at home, with my 73-year-old father. As a child, my father never minced words, and when I screwed up, he had a way of cutting right through the bullshit and pointing out exactly why I was being an idiot. When I moved back in I was still, for the most part, an idiot. But this time, I was smart enough to write down all the things he said to me…'

Meet Justin Halpern and his dad. Almost one million people follow Mr Halpern’s philosophical musings every day on Twitter, and in this book, his son weaves a brilliantly funny, touching coming-of-age memoir around the best of his sayings. What emerges is a chaotic, hilarious, true portrait of a father and son relationship from a major new comic voice. As Justin says at one point, his dad is ‘like Socrates, but angrier, and with worse hair’; and this is the sort of shit he says…

‘You know, sometimes it’s nice having you around. But now ain’t one of those times. Now gimmie the remote, we’re not watching this bullshit.’

‘Happy Birthday, I didn’t get you a present… Oh, mom got you one? Well, that’s from me then, too – unless it’s shitty.’

‘Your brother brought his baby over this morning. He told me it could stand. It couldn’t stand for shit. Just sat there. Big let down.’

‘The worst thing you can be is a liar . . . Okay, fine, yes, the worst thing you can be is a Nazi, but THEN, number two is liar. Nazi 1, Liar 2.’

‘Why the f**k would I want to live to 100? I’m 73 and shit’s starting to get boring. By the way, there’s no money left when I go, just fyi.’

Product details

  • Paperback: 192 pages
  • Publisher: Boxtree (4 Jun 2010)
  • Language: Unknown
  • ISBN-10: 0752227408
  • ISBN-13: 978-0752227405
  • Product Dimensions: 13.5 x 21.6 cm
  • Average Customer Review: 4.4 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (161 customer reviews)
  • Amazon Bestsellers Rank: 230,220 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

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Product Description


'One of the funniest and simultaneously rudest men ever (Justin's Dad). The book shows Justin inherited his father's comedy genes and, as well as being very funny, also paints a great story of regular American family life - albeit with added swearing and an obsession with bowel movements.' --Guardian Guide

'Bigoted, rude, filthy - and currently conquering America... Shit My Dad Says encompasses far more, however, than the 118 tweets Halpern has so far put up on his site. A mix of personal reminiscence and self-deprecating humour, the book takes in his childhood, 1980s America, his relationships with his brothers, his failings in Hollywood, giant steaks, drunk college blondes, and, of course, countless scatological jokes: a funny, silly, well-observed tribute to American male-hood. The book is...straight up hilarious, dry and wry and full of vim, thanks, mostly, to the brilliant character of Halpern Snr.' --Sunday Times, Culture Magazine

'A book came out, and last month it hit No 1 on the New York Times bestseller list, edging out Laura Bush's memoir. When Halpern told his father this, the reaction was phlegmatic. 'Trust me,' Halpern Snr said of Bush. 'She doesn't give a fuck. She could have you killed.' --The Observer

'Justin Halpern became a Twitter sensation when he started posting the grouchy, and sometimes profane, comments made by his 73 year old dad. Tweets such as: 'You seen my cell phone? What's it look like? Like two horses (mating). It's a phone, son. It looks like a phone.' --Scotland on Sunday

'Justin's dad says a lot of funny things, and when he decided to update Twitter with some of his old man's pearls of wisdom he became of an overnight sensation. This book includes some of the best quotes from Mr Halpern senior. You will roar with laughter.'
--The Sun

'With a million-plus followers, Justin became a Twitter sensation by posting his grumpy 73-year-old dad's 'wisdom'. Now he's produced a book about their relationship. Is it wrong to kind of wish his dad was our dad too?' --Cosmopolitan

'A chaotic, real-life portrait of a father/son relationship.' --TNT Magazine

'Born off the back of Hapern's Twitter feed, this is a book about his relationship with his father, interwoven with Halpern Sr's pearls of wisdom. For example: "Pick your furniture like you pick a wife; it should make you feel comfortable and look nice, but not so nice that if someone walks past it they want to steal it."' --Shortlist

'Watch out for this gem of a read from 29-year-old Halpern, who started a Twitter page last year on the musings of his father and so created a funny, touching portrait of their relationship. More than 1.3m people subscribe to the page which inspired this book and forthcoming TV show staring William Shatner. It will make you laugh out loud.' --Press Association

'As Justin grows up the book captures the awkward formative moments between father and son - the hangovers, the first break-up and the "sex education" that consisted of Halpern Snr presenting his son with a pile of condoms... Despite this tough love, a sense of deep fondness runs all the way through and ultimately it's the story of a father trying to teach his son right from wrong and bring him up the best way he can. In many ways Halpern Snr is the voice of reason in a world where we spend too long pussy-footing around, fearful of creating offence.' --The Independent:

'At last the book of the greatest Twitter star ever.'

'Sam Halpern is an internet phenomenon. The 73 year old has the cynical observational skills of Larry David. Not for the easily offended, but it's riotously funny.' --News of the World

'A coming of age memoir with a difference. There's unlikely to be another dad on the planet like Sam Halpern...For as long as Justin can recall, his dad has been a ball of profanities, every curse couched in a devastatingly funny insult or observation, intentional or otherwise.' --The List

'This had me in fits of laughter from the moment I picked it up in the bookshop. There's something hysterical on every page.' --Best Comedy book in Time Out's Books of the Year

About the Author

Justin Halpern is a screenwriter who has worked in both web, film and television. In late 2007, he was hired to start the comedy website, which, when he left in May of 2009, averaged more than 2 million visitors per month. He is currently working as a senior editor at He is also developing a television show with the Comedy Central Network. He is also 28 years old, and living at home with his dad.

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Customer Reviews

Most Helpful Customer Reviews
25 of 27 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars Great read 23 May 2010
By Pete in Wiltshire VINE VOICE
Format:Paperback|Vine Customer Review of Free Product (What's this?)
really light-hearted book, so easy to read and very, very funny. I have three books "in the queue" at the moment, then this book arrived and I thought I'd just read the introduction to get a feel for the book. Two sittings and a couple of hours later...

The book is split into chapters which cover the moral spectrum, and generally start off with the author reeling off some anecdote involving his dad, and conclude with several of his dad's one-line witicisms on the subject. Dad seems like a fairly level-headed kind of guy, mostly what he says makes perfect sense, but over and above all this, dad's wisdom is imparted with a healthy dose of humour (and more than a sprinkling of profanity!)

A great read, you'll be done with the book in the space of a couple of days, but will certainly be left with a smile on your face.
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4 of 4 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars MUST READ!!! 8 Aug 2010
Let's just say, this item was delivered yesterday, and i finished it today!
It's hilarious and light hearted. You won't want to put it down and makes you pray for a another book that is just as funny!
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4 of 4 people found the following review helpful
3.0 out of 5 stars A quick read 30 July 2010
This is a quick read with quite a few laugh out loud moments. It takes the format of alternately recounting a story about Justin and his dad and then reeling off a list of twitter sized dialogue fragments. It's good for car journeys or maybe even toilet reading since you can practically dip in and out at any point of the book and have a laugh.
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3 of 3 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars Short but brilliant read 27 July 2010
Having read the reviews, I wasn't too worried about risking a few quid on this book. It's brash, uses colourful language but it's all true - in fact I think I can probably relate to some of the quotes in this book. It seriously is laugh out loud stuff and you don't really come across that anymore. I couldn't put this book down and so I finished it almost on a long haul flight. Definitely worth the read if you're open minded and like to read about real life experiences.
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3 of 3 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars Amusing, moving and very real 15 Jun 2010
Format:Paperback|Vine Customer Review of Free Product (What's this?)
I found Justin Halpern's Twitter account quite unexpectedly as I don't usually display any interest in Twitter. A year later his father's quips and one-liners still have the power to make me laugh, but this book wraps them in a more three-dimensional background of family and other characters which gives them context. Rather than detracting from the humour of Mr Halpern's sayings, this adds to their power. I very much enjoyed getting to know Mr Halpern as an individual and learning about the Halpern family dynamic.

Justin Halpern writes with obvious affection and admiration for his family and it's a joy to read. The book is short, but to be honest it didn't need to be any longer; it doesn't pretend to be anything it isn't. If you can ignore the frequent cursing it's a light, pleasant and ultimately uplifting read. I'll be giving it to my father for Father's Day - having warned him about the language first!
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2 of 2 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars Brilliant 9 April 2011
Format:Kindle Edition
I have not laughed this much since....... Well the last time I spoke to my dad, it is truly brilliant, fantastically funny, people that moan about it need to see the funny side of life more as it is brilliant, my neighbours even came round wondering what was so funny for the last three hours and after I read them a few paragraphs they went and got it aswell brilliant brilliant brilliant, do you think I liked it, love him and want to meet him. Only wish it was longer by about another thousand pages. How do you follow him on tweeter.?
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2 of 2 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars My new parenting bible 3 Jun 2010
This is absolute gold, the advice and delivery of it from Justin's father is brilliant.
I will be applying his no nonsense, in your face, say it as it is parenting style from now on with all of my offspring.
A must read for anyone who has parents or children and even if you have both.
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2 of 2 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars The anti-Tuesdays with Morrie 22 May 2010
By Sam Quixote TOP 50 REVIEWER
Format:Paperback|Vine Customer Review of Free Product (What's this?)
28 year old Justin Halpern broke up with his girlfriend and moved back in with his 73 year old father Sam, a retired doctor, described as "Socrates but angrier". He began tweeting his dad's quotes from day to day and built up a massive online following. And so 21st century publishing continues its natural progression from publishing blogs, podcasts, and now tweets.

What's surprising to someone like me who doesn't use Twitter in coming across this book is how funny Sam Halpern is. Here's a sample of quotes:

On slumber parties: "There's chips in the cabinet and ice-cream in the freezer. Stay away from knives and fire. Okay I've done my part, I'm going to bed."

On receiving straight A's on my report card: "Hot damn! You're a smart kid I don't care what people say about you...I'm kidding, nobody says you're not smart. They say other stuff, but not that."

On finding out I tried marijuana: "Pretty great right? ... Really? Well, we differ in opinion then. Don't tell your mom I said that though. Tell her I yelled at you and called you a moron. Actually don't tell her anything. See, now I'm paranoid and I didn't even smoke any."

Lest anyone think it's a quote book, it's not. There's a chapter of quotes and the next chapter is an anecdote from the past involving Justin and his dad, then another quote chapter, then another memoir chapter, etc. It works really well and gives the book substance.

It's a wonderful book full of laughter and fun that I absolutely loved and I'm sure most people reading this will love it too.
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Most Recent Customer Reviews
5.0 out of 5 stars Five Stars
Hilarious book
Published 2 days ago by mrs m e capaldi
5.0 out of 5 stars Moo.
Brilliant stuff.
Published 12 days ago by Glen
5.0 out of 5 stars loved it
This book was hilarious. Justin Halpern's father is a real character.
Published 13 days ago by Ms. Janice Spence
5.0 out of 5 stars Clever, timely, hilarious
Who knew a Twitter could inspire a book. Justin Halpern's telling portrait of his down-to-earth dad, and his negotiations through youthful life are raw funny, real, an ever so... Read more
Published 1 month ago by Montana McLaren
5.0 out of 5 stars Exellent Book
Really heart warming and can relate to it as my father is so similar. Not the warmest guy on the planet but you know he does right by me would recommend this to any one
Published 1 month ago by Kbe
5.0 out of 5 stars fabulous
I loved this book, poignant, profound and funny. Read it, laugh, cry and pick up some great advice.
Quick sh*pping and delivery from this company, free book mark and as cheap... Read more
Published 1 month ago by Beejaykk
5.0 out of 5 stars Great book
This makes you laugh out loud funny but be careful who you but it for some of my friends didn't like it but I thought it was great
Published 2 months ago by deb339
4.0 out of 5 stars S*** my dad says
Great read..really funny and shows a great relationship between father and son. Highly recommended !!!! Have fun and enjoy with all the family lol
Published 2 months ago by miss d ford
4.0 out of 5 stars Hilarious
If only this book was longer. It's a quick but extememy funny read. If you don't laugh out loud at some point you clearly have no sense of humour!!!
Published 4 months ago by Gary Pretsell
5.0 out of 5 stars I could not put it down
I thought this book yesterday and I just could not stop reading! As a few people before have mentioned reading this book in public can be difficult as you constantly have to fight... Read more
Published 5 months ago by Rachael Merritt
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