Sex is the most powerful and important thing in the Universe, and if you aren't instantly good at it you probably never will be and everyone will laugh at you. This is something you should know before even attempting sex.
Fortunately, there isThe Ultimate Guide to Sex: Unabridged, Un-Spell Checked, and Uncircumcised, completed in The Year of Our Loins Two Thousand and Ten by Ms. Kristen Schaal and Mr. Rich Blomquist and subsequently re-dubbed The Sexy Book of Sexy Sex by our publisher in order to sell more copies.*
Once absorbed, the lessons contained in The Sexy Book of Sexy Sex cannot be unlearned. Armed with the bawdy wisdom on any given page, you could easily spend the rest of your life orgasming your brains out, neglecting your friendships, your career, and every other aspect of your life that doesn't involve constant genital stimulation. To call you a 'mindless sex zombie' would be putting it gently. And perhaps the scariest part: you would be completely satisfied... as would your legions of sexual partners.
Are you in? Well, buy this book and let's get to it.
* We're a business, dammit! (Ed.)