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The Seven Principles For Making Marriage Work [Paperback]

John Gottman (Author)
4.5 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (24 customer reviews)
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Book Description

Publication Date: 4 Jan 2007

Straightforward in its approach, yet profound in its effect, the principles outlined in this book teach partners new and startling strategies for making their marriage work.

Gottman has scientifically analysed the habits of married couples and established a method of correcting the behaviour that puts thousands of marriages on the rocks. He helps couples focus on each other, on paying attention to the small day-to-day moments that, strung together, make up the heart and soul of any relationship. Packed with questionnaires and exercises whose effectiveness has been proven in Dr Gottman's workshops, this is the definitive guide for anyone who wants their relationship to attain its highest potential.

'An eminently practical guide to an emotionally intelligent - and long-lasting - marriage' Daniel Goleman, author of Emotional Intelligence

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Product details

  • Paperback: 288 pages
  • Publisher: Orion; New Ed edition (4 Jan 2007)
  • Language: English
  • ISBN-10: 0752837265
  • ISBN-13: 978-0752837260
  • Product Dimensions: 12.9 x 2 x 19.8 cm
  • Average Customer Review: 4.5 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (24 customer reviews)
  • Amazon Bestsellers Rank: 11,563 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

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More About the Authors

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John Mordechai Gottman
Nan Silver

Product Description

Amazon Review

According to most relationship books, the key to a solid marriage is communication, communication, communication. Phooey, says John Gottman, PhD, author of the much-lauded Why Marriages Succeed or Fail. There's much more to a solid, "emotionally intelligent" marriage than sharing every feeling and thought, he points out--though most couples therapists ineffectively (and expensively) harp on these concepts.

Gottman, the director of the Gottman Institute, has found through studying hundreds of couples in his "love lab" that it only takes five minutes for him to predict--with 91 per cent accuracy--which couples will eventually divorce. He shares the four not-so-obvious signs of a troubled relationship that he looks for, using sometimes amusing passages from his sessions with married couples. (One standout is Rory, the paediatrician who didn't know the name of the family dog because he spent so much time at work.)

Gottman debunks many myths about divorce (primary among them that affairs are at the root of most splits). He also reveals surprising facts about couples who stay together. They do engage in screaming matches. And they certainly don't resolve every problem. "Take Allan and Betty", he writes. "When Allan gets annoyed at Betty, he turns on ESPN. When Betty is upset with him, she heads for the mall. Then they regroup and go on as if nothing's happened. Never in forty-five years of marriage have they sat down to have a 'dialogue' about their relationship." While this may sound like a couple in trouble, Gottman found that they pass the love-lab tests and say honestly that "they are both very satisfied with their relationship and they love each other deeply". Through a series of in-depth quizzes, checklists and exercises, similar to the ones he uses in his workshops, Gottman provides the framework for coping with differences and strengthening your marriage. His profiles of troubled couples rescued from the brink of divorce (including that of Rory, the out-of-touch doctor) and those of still-happy couples who reinvigorate their relationships are equally enlightening. --Erica Jorgensen --This text refers to an out of print or unavailable edition of this title.

Book Description

The revolutionary guide to show couples how to create an emotionally intelligent relationship - and keep it on track
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Customer Reviews

4.5 out of 5 stars
24 reviews
4.5 out of 5 stars
Most Helpful Customer Reviews
56 of 56 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars Finally, something that works! Saved our 27 yr. marriage 30 Aug 1999
By A Customer
Format:Hardcover
The book is based upon scientific research, not oppinion. A VERY positive book. It gave us real hope. Not just another 'feel good' pop-psych book. It takes you inside the conflicts of real couples, and reveals the four marriage-killers, and the seven, very do-able skills to aquire to make a marriage work. I've read a lot of books trying to save my marriage. Some of them had some good things that truely helped. But it wasn't enough help. It never got to the root of the problem, and it left us both feeling like 'we have to completely change ourselves if we want to stay married'. Following the principles outlined in this book is FAR easier and FAR more effective than most other books I've read.
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23 of 24 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars Science and Marriage going together like a horse and carriag 16 May 1999
By A Customer
Format:Hardcover
After watching marriage-advice books catalyze the destruction of my first marriage, I did not think I would find myself reading any more of these books soon. But I heard an interview with Dr Gottman on National Public Radio and I was so impressed that I ran out, bought the book and read it. The thing that makes the book so good is that it is based on rigorous, scientific research (you know, set up an experiment, collect data, look for patterns in the data without inserting your own preconceptions and report it). Although I found that most of Dr. Gottman's findings were not particularly surprising, I still found the book to be extremely useful because out of the many possible things a person could do to improve their marriage, this book tells you which ones really matter. The book also gave me a good sense of the problems that are encountered in happy marriages. For example, about 60% of the conflicts that happily married couples have are unresolvable (perpetual). This fact alone would have helped my first marriage a lot considering all the good will that we burned up trying to solve problems that were not solvable. Dr Gottman found that happy couples accept that these problems are unresolvable and can learn to live with them without damaging their relationship. As an analogy he points out that people with bad elbows can live very rich and rewarding lives as long as they don't make playing tennis a central part of their lives. In summary this is a great book that people who don't like marriage advice books can enjoy (as well as those who do).
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6 of 6 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars Excellent Relationship Building Techniques 11 Oct 2009
By William Cohen VINE™ VOICE
Format:Paperback|Amazon Verified Purchase
I've never been married but a friend of mine recently announced he was getting divorced, so I thought I would find out more about the subject. Also I write speeches for weddings, and I thought I might be able to find a few good tips.

Gottman's thesis is about dealing with the four horsemen of the apocalypse that poison a marriage. They are criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling. I was also introduced to the concept of 'flooding' which is how it feels when you're overwhelmed with criticism from someone, and you tune out.

In the introduction, Gottman acknowledges his debt to Victor Frankl and Irvin Yalom, two characters I admire greatly. There are lots of useful exercises in the book, and although it sometimes feels like a corny self-help book, there are some profound and helpful insights that are worth holding on tight to.
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Most Recent Customer Reviews
4.0 out of 5 stars A must for anyone who cannot see a way out of their marital problems
Very good book that compliments other aspects of how to be as a person in general. I would recommend this book to anyone who are having any kind of problem within their marriage,... Read more
Published 1 month ago by mrs r shah
3.0 out of 5 stars Marriage needs friendship
Trying to take a different approach coming from years of research into what makes marriage work, Gottman does give helpful insights into the heart of marriage: it's friendship. Read more
Published 2 months ago by Andrew
4.0 out of 5 stars Some Great Practical Exercises
This is a very easy book to read, with some good practical solutions for common marriage problems. It has some good exercises for you to do as a couple, helping you to re-focus... Read more
Published 11 months ago by Jenny Elliott
5.0 out of 5 stars A lot of good ideas and observations
John Gottman and Nan Silver offer many helpful ideas for improving the quality of relationships. They advise refraining form the four horsemen - criticism, contempt, defensiveness,... Read more
Published 13 months ago by A.
5.0 out of 5 stars Gold dust
Absolutely marvellous. A great book. To be read over and over!

I really mean that - its very densely packed with great ideas and it takes a while to absorb the lessons,... Read more
Published 18 months ago by Peter W. Burden
3.0 out of 5 stars cognitive psych approach
Under the guise of scientific research, this book recommends that couples develop certain attitudes - cognitive styles - that will improve interactions. Read more
Published 21 months ago by rob crawford
5.0 out of 5 stars great book
not good as "communication miracles for couples", depends really what you want or need, this is more general and i was trying to find something more specific, anyway nice book to... Read more
Published on 8 May 2011 by laurab
5.0 out of 5 stars The seven principles for making marriage work
This is an excellent book. Very well wtitten and very clearly explained. It outlines the fundamental differences in how males and females communicate which I found very helpful. Read more
Published on 10 Mar 2011 by deshee
3.0 out of 5 stars Modernist marriage recipe
I bought this book on the strength of reviews here. Gottleman's approach is that he has studied marriage in laboratory conditions, and has come to some finite and definite... Read more
Published on 9 Aug 2009 by Hera de Olimpia
5.0 out of 5 stars The Seven Principles on Making a Marriage Work
Very informative, helpful personally as well as professionally. Everyone could use this book if they are married or thinking of getting married. Read more
Published on 11 Jun 2009 by T. Foster
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