Self Compassion [Paperback]

This is an excellent book introducing the concepts and benefits of self-compassion from one of the world's leading self-compassion researchers. Kristin Neff's writing style is engaging and jargon free. She shares her own experience of the impact of self-compassion in her life in honest and moving detail.I love the fact that this is a practical down to earth book based on solid scientific research which Kristin Neff translates into encouraging and positive explanations making the idea of self-compassion both compelling and imminiently 'do-able'. She also extends self-compassion into many areas including the body, relationships and parenting. I found this to be a very enjoyable and inspiring read. As a counsellor and compassion coach I will definitely be recommending this book to my clients.

Leading psychologist Kristin Neff's groundbreaking book, "Self-Compassion: Stop Beating Yourself Up and Leave Insecurity Behind" shows us how to let go of debilitating self-criticism and learn to be kind to ourselves. Using personal stories, empirical research and practical exercises she explains how to heal destructive emotional patterns to become healthier, happier, and more effective.
Our ultracompetitive culture, the relentless pursuit of high self-esteem and the need to be above average to feel good about ourselves makes our sense of self-worth rise and fall in lockstep with our latest success or failure. She says many experts now see self-compassion as a more powerful and effective alternative to self-esteem. Their research shows that people who are compassionate toward their failings and imperfections experience greater well-being than those who repeatedly judge themselves. The feelings of security and self-worth provided by self-compassion are highly stable and kick in precisely when self-esteem falls down.
Current research shows there are holes in over emphasizing high self-esteem as an indicator of healthy behavior. Neff says high self-esteem is a consequence rather than a cause of healthy behavior. Narcissists and sociopaths generally have extremely high self-esteem (inflated, unrealistic perceptions of themselves) and tend to blame others for negative consequences. Jean Twenge's book, "Generation Me, the Narcissism Epidemic Living in the Age of Entitlement" speaks eloquently about the problem.
Neff says thoughts and emotions have an effect on our bodies: self-compassion triggers oxcytocin the hormone of "love and bonding" and "tend and befriend" whereas self-criticism elicits an increase in blood pressure, adrenalin and the hormone cortisol.
Self-compassion stops self-judgment and actively comforts us just as we would a dear friend. Warm tender feelings towards ourselves (self-compassion) makes us feel safe, calm, content, trusting and stops us from operating from a place of fear.
She says self-kindness, recognition of our common humanity and mindfulness form the basis of self-compassion. Mindfulness is noticing our pain without exaggeration, interpretation and over identification. Self-compassion enables us to face emotions head-on and allows positive emotions to replace the negative ones.
Self-compassion asks us to accept and acknowledge our pain, remember suffering is a part of life, be kind and compassionate with ourselves and learn from our mistakes.
Neff warns that self-compassion is not a magical cure to resist or eliminate pain; it's a way to shift the focus from "cure" to "care."
Self-compassion enables us to define our worth not as a label, judgment, or evaluation. It relates to the mystery of who we are - a dynamic work in progress. It honors our strengths and weaknesses, does not define us by our success or failure, does not depend on an outcome, being special or above average. The emphasis is on the value of experience and on the journey not the destination.
Self-criticism asks, "Am I good enough?" Self-compassion asks, "What's good for me?" It taps into your inner reserve to be healthy and happy.
When tense, upset, sad or self-critical Neff recommends giving ourselves a warm hug and using sympathetic language with ourselves. Pain is unavoidable, suffering is optional.
Her book powerfully demonstrates the importance of self-compassion and the need to give ourselves the same caring support we'd give to a good friend.
This book has the power to change lives.

I have only read chapter 1 so far, but it is a really great book.

Spiritual traditions and religions at their deepest core are only really about a few simple but important things - seeing the wholeness and interconnection of things, peace, compassion and love. Most of the rest is complete nonsense. :)

This book is about these things.

Though it is titled self compassion, it isn't just about that. It is more complete compassion, for yourself and others - at the deepest level they can only come hand in hand. If you are always judging yourself positively or negatively and monitoring how you are doing it's like living in a haze. How can you connect with your fellow human, animals, nature or universe when you are worrying about your negative (or positive, or threat to positive) self image.

But then doesn't this just give us something more to feel bad about.. like 'I shouldn't be worrying about my self image and living in a haze'... the thought - am I just a bad self centered person for thinking these things.. at some point you can start to see it is a spiral.. feeling bad about feeling bad.

The reason this is a good book is that it helps you to see that it's natural to think or worry about a variety of self interested things, it's in our evolution, our genes, our conditioning, our competitive individualised society, our life situation.. it's the human condition we are born into, we didn't choose it, we aren't to blame. This is where compassion begins.. we start to see these patterns and realise that deep down we are all just looking for a little comfort, security and peace, and that is what dictates a lot of our behaviour and thoughts. We can see how much we judge ourselves and others - once we see that everyone is just struggling along with their own life situation, and trying to find a bit of peace and security we can open up to compassion and understanding.

The key is to disarm the loop is through being gentle with ourselves. There is no need to feel bad, or to feel bad about feeling bad. But if it happens, it happens... have compassion toward yourself, give it space.. see it for what it is, rather than continuing the cycle of judgement.. this is the doorway out of the cycle..

This book isn't about having positive self esteem or a strong healthy self image. Quite the opposite.. it's more about letting those ideas go and trying to find a deeper connection to life beyond the illusions.

It's all too easy to try to treat others compassionatly and leave yourself out. Deepest love and compassion is all encompassing. It blurs the boundaries between you and other - if everything is an interconnected whole, how can you miss yourself out?