SACRED INFLUENCE: How God Uses Wives to Shape the Souls of Their Husbands [Paperback]

Sacred Influence addresses a woman's role in marriage as designed by God. This book is Biblically sound and doctrinally accurate. Gary Thomas' ability to tell women how be the wives that husbands need them to be and the women God designed the to be in such a kind and gentle way demonstrates his skill as an author and his understanding of love defined in I Corinthians. He does not compromise the truth regarding the requirements God sets before a woman in her marriage, or the roles for which we are designed. However, instead of beating down a woman's spirit, he mananges to motivate women to do their duties, in even the most difficult circumstances because it helps a husband be the man she wants and needs him to be. When I finished this book, it was very clear to me how much men need their wives in every facet of life. The better a wife treats her husband, the more likely she is to be treated better in return. The level of success of this priciple is of course relative to the humility of soul in both people in the marriage, and Thomas does not back down from that principle, either. Being valuable and needed is necessary validation for all of us. Thomas suggests that wives look for how their husbands might be trying to give them that validation, rather than assume the husbands aren't because they aren't doing it the way the wife thinks they should be. Furthermore, he suggests living by example in that regard--don't demand what you're not offering. If wives treat husbands like they are men, instead of wishing they would be something else--namely women, then they come to a point where they cannot live without us. Many women who are dissatisfied in their marriages complain that their husbands aren't men they want them to be. Thomas suggests that wives treat their husbands as if they already are that man while encouraging them in love. Most women don't get what they want because they set undefined and elusive standards, and then issue insults and ridicule when the unspoken standard isn't met. If you treat a man like he's worthless, he'll live up to that. If you treat a man like he's wonderful, he will live up to that, too. If he's worthless, there's no encouragement and no way to escape his pitiful state. If he's wonderful, he's going to do everything he can to protect that value you give him.

I can't stress enough how polite Thomas' presentation is. While he does address issues of authority and roles, he presents it as a true leader would and has a correct understanding that authority in marriage. It is not that of dictator to slave, parent to child, teacher to student, or boss to employee. It is that of love, respect and responsibility to one another for the sake of God's glory, a stable home, and a strong nation. In my opinion, the best thing about this book is that it is written by a humble man, from a man's prespective so that women can understand a man's thought processes and physical nature. Many women seek enlightenment about men from other women--AND THE WOMEN THEY TRUST DON'T KNOW MEN (ie. women's magazines and feminist authors). This perpetuates failed communcation and disappointments in the realationship. He encourages women not to assume the thoughts and intents of their husbands souls, but explains men from a man's perspective and then encourages women to listen, believe and talk to their husbands.

I really liked this book. I thought it was objective about good circumstances and trying ones, behaviors, attitudes, sex, and dealing with one another on a daily basis. He doesn't depict some inachievable panacea, but he doesn't browbeat or fortell doom and gloom, either. I found it motivational with sensible insight, and logical explantions.

I was really excited about this book, but I ended up feeling more frustrated than anything else. To be fair, the book is not poorly written and indeed is more engaging than many Christian advice books out there. However, I think that Mr. Thomas simply lost control of the tone--in the end I had the feeling that he sees marriage as nothing more than a long trial sent from God, the rewards of which we will reap only when we get to heaven. In all of the other marriage books I've read, the authors praise their own wives highly and seem to be genuinely happy in their marriages. I get no such sense from Mr. Thomas (this is not to say his marriage isn't happy, simply that it doesn't come across in the book). If he explains in great depth the mechanics of the first fruit of the spirit, love, he neglects entirely the second, joy.

My other complaints with the book involve Mr. Thomas's treatment of genders. While I appreciate understanding a man physiologically, I don't want my understanding of my husband to end there. Nor do I want him to understand me only from a biological standpoint (i.e., I am one of 3.5 billion females). Also, I felt like women are held to a much higher standard in this book than men are, and that wives are often held accountable for their husbands' behavior, or at least for aggravating their husbands' bad behavior. I understand that this book was written specifically for women, but the implication seemed to be that wives simply have to bite the bullet, accept that their husbands will never be all that spectacular, and then try to accommodate them in every way. Furthermore, I was actually insulted on men's behalf at times, due to the way that Mr. Thomas characterizes them as bumbling, insensitive creatures of roughly caveman intelligence who just need to relax watch some TV before they can have even a semi-meaningful discussion with their wives.

Honestly, I eventually got so frustrated with this book that I just had to put it down. I believe it was at the point where Mr. Thomas was explaining why men love their cars and how their cars, unlike their wives, are very clear about their needs and never ask a man how he's feeling. This goes on for a page or so, and at no point does Mr. Thomas qualify that his wife has some advantage that his car doesn't. I found this passage so demeaning, regardless of the author's intent, that I couldn't go on.

In short, this may be helpful for some women in certain circumstances, but if you grew up with a Christian understanding of marriage, you may not find anything in this book revolutionary. And if you're like me, you will find yourself more frustrated than helped.

I must first and formost admit that this is was a very difficult book for me to read. The TRUTH presented in it hit home like a tone of bricks! I really appreciate Mr. Thomas's point of view and I really like that this book is written from a man's point of view. I really feel like God has chosen me to do a good work in my husband's life. This book has helped me see how I have not been cooperating with God in being a Godly influence to my husband. Here's the thing: I'm not sure I would recommend this book for women who are being neglected or emotionally/physically abused by their husband. Women in this position are in a very delicate state and need to be built up in God and receive a stronger foundation in Him before being able to take a look at themselves throught the lens of this book. There are elements in this book that may inadvertently reinforce a woman's belief that her mistreatment is her doing and her responsibility. A woman's abuse at the hands of her husband is his choice and his choice ALONE. There are so many woman out there who need to be empowered FIRST, before one is able to pick apart their roles in their abusive relationships. There needs to be a greater awareness of this issue and it needs to be addressed more openly in books that deal with the woman's role in the marriage.

Although there was a chapter on husbands who are unsaved, it was not adequate. This kind of union has different needs from a christian union and I felt that this book did not provide this different perspective.

Another bad taste that was left in my mouth after all this was that in my readings of so many of the Christian lit on marriage (including this one), men seem to not be held accountable for ungodly behavior as much as women. Despite this very valuable point of view from Mr. Thomas, it lacks any kind of idea that men should be held accountable for the mistreatment of their wives.

I gave this book four stars because I feel like despite it's drawbacks it has helped me realize that by honoring my husband I'm really honoring God. It is God who requires me to be a good wife to my husband and that fact is paramount to whatever self-centered feelings I may have toward my marriage and my husband. This book defintely helps you to realize how you can be the wife God wants you to be.