Retribution: A Hilarious Modern-Day Fairytale for Adults [Paperback]

Will prove a hit with those who incline towards Terry Pratchett or Tom Sharpe

A delight, I'd like four of those in hardback please!

A novel tribute to his home town!

Very readable, very, VERY funny. I will probably never go to the bathroom in the dark again!

It's the Hobbit meets Arthur Daley!!

(..."A Supernatural tale of Justice and, RETRIBUTION!)

Miss Eleanor Forgetmenot is living out her twilight years in a dilapidated thatched cottage near the seaside town of 'Bogham'. The loneliness of her life is made bearable by two precious possessions. The first is her large garden, its former glory fading under an invasion of weeds! ... and the second, her beloved ginger cat, 'Snaps' Slowly, quietly and uneventfully the days slip away from the old lady at Number one Romany Way. THEN! ... the most cataclysmic storm for over four hundred years blasts the coastal town. Miss Forgetmenot's cottage is severely damaged! The roof becomes prey to the elements, ... and she becomes prey to Charlie Wollock, 'cowboy' builder and cahoot of Enoch Filch, Estate Agent, Gentleman and ... swindler!! The old lady becomes victim of a well rehearsed scam, losing her house and her cat in the process. Her ex- property is renovated and sold to the winners of the largest ever National Lottery prize. The Hobbs family from London, are an appalling tribe of slobs who move in and begin to 'modernise' the cottage and, unfortunately for them, ... the garden. It is the Hobbs' ghastly offspring, the twelve year old 'Arry 'Obbs, who singlehandedly begins a momentous Supernatural chain of events. Culminating in the involvement of both British and American Governments, ... these events end in the weirdest, spectacular and most UNBELIEVABLE way! .... all this because 'Arry 'Obbs throws the statue of a little horned goat legged man, out of the garden, ... and into a puddle!

The Catalogue for 'WOODFIELD PUBLISHING' is mainly of a Military nature. Military memoirs, history and autobiographies ... Service jokes & humour being our mainstay. We have recently added a selection of fictional writing to our catalogue ... Mike Jupp's first novel is certainly different. We at Woodfield believe that 'RETRIBUTION' is every bit as original, well crafted and enjoyable as any of his more widely known Artistic ventures! However, we still find it hard to believe that such a thuggish-looking, brash, oafish, eccentric, penniless slob!! ... should have the sensitivity, the gift, to draw and write the way he does?... But, he does! ...Quite astonishing!

W.P.

It's a Cartoon Novel, using words instead of pictures! ... Great literature? ... almost certainly not! Great Story? I really do think so!! ... no one's complained yet! ... mind you only about 3 people have read it so far..and I think I owe all of THEM money!

I hope it does well enough for me to afford to be able to write the 2 sequels! only then will 'The Story' be complete!"

M.J.

An Englishwoman's home is her castle! ... or at least it should be, but when an unscrupulous Estate Agent swindles elderly Miss Forgetmenot out of her seaside home in the Sussex town of 'Bogham', he doesn't realise that the cottage garden has a number of other 'residents'!!

... They, are less than pleased when their lives are disrupted and soon set about taking their revenge in this hilarious tale of Supernatural justice, set in a world of lucky lottery winners, unlucky cats, dodgy builders, haunted toilets ... and magic!!

MIKE JUPP... is Britain's number one Cartoon Illustrator. His incredibly detailed jigsaw puzzle designs are in demand around the World! JUPP'S 'Millennium' puzzle (GIBSON'S GAMES) being the current (2001) best seller in the U.K. MIKE JUPP was born in 1948 Trained at 'The West Sussex College of Art And Design' (Worthing) studying Graphics and Animation before starting his (Freelance) career in Advertising and Publishing.

In 1978 he moved to Holland and entered T.V. animation. He created both the story and characters for two childrens' projects that went on to become number one hits in the U.K. and abroad! The Award winning series 'THE DREAMSTONE' (Central Television) and 'BIMBLE'S BUCKET' (H.T.V.). He was also the Art Director on 'THE BLUFFERS' ( Channel Four, F.F.P.) and 'SEBASTIAN STAR BEAR' (F.F.P) as well as contributing Art and scripts for 'SEABERT' (S.E.P.P.) After living and working in Holland,being commissioned for Film Director Steven Spielberg ). MIKE JUPP continues to create product for both television, advertising and publishing. He lives in his home town of Bognor Regis, West Sussex. His passions are Supermarine Spitfires, Pub quizzes, Cider.....and a 15 year old Daimler/Jag.. Married to beautiful wife Nikki, he has two daughters, Eleanor (7) and Merrin (4 ) 'RETRIBUTION' is his first novel.

From Chapter 1: AN EVIL WIND FROM SIBERIA was pushing the heavy clouds so close to the ground that their undersides were being ripped to shreds by the trees that covered the hilltop.

It was just after noon on the first Saturn's day of the ninth month of the year 406 A.D. A rabbit pricked its ears towards the wind and darted away across the slippery grass slope as the noise of humans grew louder. Seven men were struggling to reach the top of the hill. A path of sorts existed, probably fashioned by animals as much as by human beings, but even with their iron shod boots and sandals, the men found it difficult to walk on the slimy chalk ground. A man the others called 'The Fox' was first to reach the top. He crouched down and carefully surveyed the huge sweep of land that lay below them to the south. He beckoned to the others, who nervously crept up and sank to the ground beside him. The Fox took stock of his ramshackle companions one by one, and then, raising his eyes to the heavens, took in a deep breath and slowly shook his head. "The Empire's doomed ..." he muttered to himself.

******* "What have you got there?" snapped the Fox in a worried voice. "Triumphs!" exclaimed Leo, and he held aloft some of the charms he had hacked from the oak tree. The Fox pushed Alba Dun aside and grabbed at the boy's hand, snatching one of the peculiar objects to examine it carefully. Without looking up he spat out a question. "Where'd you get this?" "Over there when I went for a ..." "Show me!!" hissed the prefect. He grabbed the young man roughly by the shoulder and thrust him back to where he was pointing. When they reached the hollow and stood before the ancient oak tree, Leo gleefully pointed to his name carved on the desecrated tree and to the makeshift latrine. The Fox had gone white with anger. "You fool ... you moron!" hissed the Fox. "Don't you know what this place is? Do you realise what you've done?" The smile faded from Leo's lips. He had no idea what his commander was talking about but he had no doubt that he was in serious trouble. He stiffened and answered. "No, Prefect Gaius Commius Vulpinus!" "This is a sacred Druid site," answered the Fox with icy calm "THE sacred Druid site by the look of it. Good grief! Not only have we upset Saturn by travelling on his day, but also YOU have just gone and severely pissed off every local deity between here and Italy!! Well, my lad, you can keep guard tonight. And if you fall asleep ... you're dead! Do you understand? Dead !" whispered the Fox into the lad's ear. "Yes Prefect," gasped Leo, terrified by the Fox's words. The two of them hurried back to the rest of the group and the Fox told them of of Verruca's act of gross sacrilege. The men were seriously worried. The gods of Britannia were a surly lot, especially the sort of deities that the Druids worshipped! Now, through his irreverent vandalism, young Verruca had very likely opened up the gates of Hades ... and all manner of nastiness was probably already on its way to get them!

********** A huge, dark shape was gradually rising into the moonlight from below the hill, coming from the direction of the Druid's oak hollow. Leo could now only move his eyes, straining them to make sense of the vast block of blackness that was creaking towards him. Beside his foot, a thin, black line rose up from the ground, spreading above the youth's head into the moonlight. Leo began to move. That is, Leo began to be moved! His whole body gradually floated backwards away from the bushes. Inside his head he was deafened by the sound of his own screams!

********** His cheeks were stuffed with acorns, which had caused his mouth to expand, giving the impression of a grin. Acorns were imbedded in his nostrils and his coal -black eyes were actually two more glistening, dark acorns. The men looked closer and saw several waxy, white limb-like structures protruding from his thighs and calves. These growths twisted away from the body and sank into the ground. The closer the men looked the more tendrils they could see, protruding from his clothing and splitting through his exposed skin. The lad was literally rooted to the spot!

********** a green curtain of undergrowth gradually closed over the little bronze god. All memory of the house that had dominated the site for three hundred years was buried under the leaves of nearly sixteen hundred Autumns. ( One thousand, five hundred and ninety three years later,.................A Saturday) AN EVIL WIND FROM SIBERIA was pushing the heavy clouds so close to the ground that their undersides were being painted orange by the street lamps. The temperature was falling rapidly and the smoke of a thousand household fires swirled upward to be sliced by the same malicious north wind. An empty crisp packet twirled and tumbled along the damp, black tarmac of a deserted main road until a malevolent claw of cold air snatched it into the leaden sky. A muddy, dog excreta-decorated lane led away from the main road and disappeared into a canopy of tangled branches. Concealed in the entrance to the tree smothered lane a police patrol car waited to pounce on unsuspecting prey. Inside the car was forty two year old Sergeant Len Chalcroft and his driver, Dave Norbren, a wiry blond-haired man some ten years his junior. "You ready for the creatures of the night?" asked the younger man................