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Real Influence: Persuade Without Pushing and Gain Without Giving In [Kindle Edition]

Mark Goulston , John Ullmen , Keith Ferrazzi
5.0 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (1 customer review)

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Book Description

People won’t put up with being “sold” anymore. If they sense they are being pushed, their guard goes up—and even if they do comply, lingering resentment undermines the relationship...maybe forever.

Yet, most books on influence still portray it as something you “do to” someone else to get your way. That out-of-date approach invites resistance or cynicism from those who recognize the techniques. Manipulative tactics might occasionally wear down a colleague’s or client’s resistance, but they fail to produce the mutual trust that sustains successful relationships. In short, they just won’t work in our sophisticated, post-selling world.

In this groundbreaking book, authors Mark Goulston and John Ullmen reveal a new model for authentic influence—the kind that creates a strong initial connection and survives long after agreement has been reached. Based on listening, genuine engagement and commitment to win-win outcomes, Real Influence provides a powerful four-step method you can use to:

• Examine your priorities
• Learn about the key players and what they need
• Earn their attention and motivate them to hear more
• Add value with your questions and actions

Complete with examples of the steps in action and insights from real-world “power influencers,” this one-of-a-kind guide shows that being straight with everyone means winning for all.

Product Description


"["Real Influence"] offers a full course banquet of fresh ideas for the price of a modest dinner." --Inland Empire Business Journal

From the Back Cover

Advance Praise for Real Influence

Real Influence is literally going to change your life. It will vastly improve all your interactions and relationships, both professionally and personally. This book is the ‘secret sauce’ to optimal influence—and an absolute must-read.”

David T. Feinberg, MD, MBA, President, UCLA Health System

“The most insightful book I’ve read in years. Simple to read, easy to understand, yet delivers a powerful, compelling message about how to be more effective at work and throughout life.”

— Bob Eckert, former CEO and Chairman, Mattel

“I love this book because of how much it influenced me.”

Warren Bennis, Distinguished Professor of Management, USC, and author, On Becoming a Leader and Still Surprised

Real Influence is just what you need, whether you want to influence a boss, a peer, a subordinate, your spouse, your parent, or your kid. It is the antidote to the push-back you get from people whenever they perceive you as being too pushy.”

Marshall Goldsmith, author, What Got You Here Won’t Get You There

“Today’s fast-paced, hectic world finds most people pulled in different directions at once, and the last thing they want is to be pushed. In Real Influence Goulston and Ullmen offer you the ultimate formula for influencing in a way that people trust. If he were still with us, Dale Carnegie would likely smile and nod in agreement that this book offers one of the absolute best ways to ‘make friends and influence people.’”

Ivan Misner, Ph.D., New York Times bestselling author and founder of BNI®

“With deep insights from an array of industries and fields, Goulston and Ullmen lay out a terrific roadmap to making significant, positive impacts on one’s organization, personal life, and society.”

Amir Dan Rubin, President and CEO, Stanford Hospital & Clinics

“With a wealth of relevant research, compelling examples, and straightforward, action­able tactics and advice, Goulston and Ullmen have created an incredibly valuable resource for improving one’s ability to influence and positively impact others. This book isn’t just good for your business, it’s good for your life!”

Heidi Roizen, Venture Partner, Draper Fisher Jurvetson; and Entrepreneurship Educator, Stanford University

Product details

  • Format: Kindle Edition
  • File Size: 1005 KB
  • Print Length: 272 pages
  • Publisher: AMACOM; 1 edition (2 Jan. 2013)
  • Sold by: Amazon Media EU S.à r.l.
  • Language: English
  • Text-to-Speech: Enabled
  • X-Ray:
  • Word Wise: Enabled
  • Average Customer Review: 5.0 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (1 customer review)
  • Amazon Bestsellers Rank: #385,327 Paid in Kindle Store (See Top 100 Paid in Kindle Store)
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Most Helpful Customer Reviews
5.0 out of 5 stars Excellent 5 May 2014
Format:Hardcover|Verified Purchase
You MUST READ this book. It's absolutely excellent, complementing the book entitled "Just Listen" of the same author.! I am glad I bought it. It puts you in a different mindset, which helps you become a real influencer not only in professional but also in social life.!
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Most Helpful Customer Reviews on (beta) 4.5 out of 5 stars  35 reviews
27 of 32 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars "Letting the other chap have it your way." 22 Dec. 2012
By Robert Morris - Published on
One evening long ago while I was in Washington, a friend there invited me to accompany him to a reception at the British Embassy and during a conversation with one of the deputies, I asked him to define diplomacy. He replied, "Letting the other chap have it your way." I remembered that observation as I began to read this book. The subtitle of Mark Goulston and John Ullman's book is "persuade without pushing - gain without giving in."

They carefully organize their material within seven "Sections" and devote a separate section to each of step of model (Sections 2-15, Chapters 4-15) for "becoming wildly successful by being both influential and `influenceable'" and if not "wildly successful," each reader will at least become far more effective when attempting to influence others or evaluating others' efforts to influence them. The fifth of Stephen Covey's seven habits of highly effective people is, "Seek first to understand, then to be understood." In all relationships between and among people, the importance of effective [begin italics] listening [end italics] cannot be exaggerated.

There are four mini-case studies provided in Section 7: The Fuzzy Pet Foundation, Stanford Hospital and Clinics, Heartfelt Leadership's Recoupling Therapy (Mark Goulston), and BNI (Ivan Misner). Here are other passages of also interest and value to me, listed to suggest the range of subjects that Goulston and Ullmen explore with rigor and eloquence:

o The "Blind Spot" in Our Brains (Pages 10-14)
o The Habit Handicap (22-24)
o The Double Curse of Knowledge (28-31)
o The Connected Influence Model (39)
o Building Relationships the Zappos Way (71-72)
o Ray Charles' Final Recording (84-88)
o Four-Level Listening (91-96)
o Turning an Angry Mob into an Appreciative Audience (124-128)
o The Seven Dwarfs Strategy (136-138)
o The Seven Most Important Words and Phrases for Engaging Across Cultures (145-149)
o Adding Emotional Value (174-178)
o Adding Practical Value (178-182)
o Bringing a Secret Out in the Open (194-198)
o Helping Others Find Their Great Outcomes (205-207)
o Bunt Signs (211-212)

Goulston and Ullmen make skillful use of several reader-friendly devices, notably dozens of mini-commentaries and boxed summaries of key points inserted throughout their narrative as well as quotations cited as a head note to introduce each chapter and then "Usable Insights" and "Action Steps" at the conclusion of Chapters 4-19.

No brief commentary such as mine can possibly do full justice to the scope of material in Real Influence but I hope that I have at least suggested why I think so highly of this volume. Also, I hope that those who read this commentary will be better prepared to determine whether or not they wish to read the book and, in that event, will have at least some idea of how the information, insights, and counsel that Mark Goulston and John Ullmen provide can be of significant value to them and also, I hope, to their organization.
14 of 16 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars Connecting and influencing for the long term 27 Dec. 2012
By John Gibbs - Published on
Most books and courses that teach persuasion skills advocate manipulative and "pushy" techniques which involve disconnected influence, according to Mark Goulston and John Ullmen in this book. Disconnected influence might provide short-term gains, but it prevents the formation of long-term relationships. The old rules of persuasion no longer work; success now requires connected influence.

The core principles of the connected influence philosophy are described as:

* It's about building a network of people who want to help and support you, rather than leaving behind a list of people who feel disconnected and used
* It's about making the journey from your "here" to their "there" so you can understand, learn from, engage, and add to other people's point of view
* It's about identifying outcomes worthy of the people you want to connect with
* It's about being open and transparent about what you're doing, rather than concealing tactics and techniques
* It's about easing the ache inside sceptical and even cynical people so they can trust safely

Before starting the book I was worried that it might turn out to be another one of those social media books that pushes the importance of maximising your followers by spending hours each day polishing your digital persona to give it a superficial gleam of celebrity. Fortunately my fears proved completely unfounded. The actions which the authors recommend seem quite consistent with the good old-fashioned values of integrity, trustworthiness, generosity and service.

The authors recommend a four-step approach to connecting and influencing. The first step involves choosing a great outcome that you can inspire people towards. The second step is to listen and learn and in particular to be willing to discover where you have been wrong. The third step is to engage people from within their own frame of reference, rather than expecting them to see things from your frame of reference. The fourth step is to do more than is required to ensure that other people's great outcomes happen, leaving them awestruck by your generosity.

The book is filled with really interesting stories, and I thoroughly enjoyed reading it.
17 of 20 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars Tools for overcoming the self-centered 1 Jan. 2013
By J. Eich - Published on
Mark Goulston and John Ullmen have collaborated by bringing their considerable expertise and depth of experience to bear on one of our most pressing real-life challenges today, rising above the self-indulgent and self-serving behaviors of others in every business, government level, professional athletic organization and more. The challenge of how to wield influence toward positive, long-term ends has seldom been more important.

By describing several accounts which were formulated by having conducted extensive interviews, Goulston and Ullmen provide us readers with cogent examples, tips and techniques for reaching agreement. Their work is an easy-to-read, easy-to-grasp and easy-to-apply compendium of successful ways to accomplish one's personal or organizational goals in a positive manner.

I identified with several of their mini-cases, including the one about Stanford. Several years ago, I served as the chief of news and communications at Stanford University Medical Center--Stanford School of Medicine, Stanford Hospital and Clinics, and Lucile Packard Children's Hospital. I can testify to the outstanding care provided to patients as my nephew was one of countless patients who received superb care by Stanford University physicians. They are among the very best in the world in my judgment.

If there was ever a time when we needed a book of this kind, it is now. There are few relationships, careers or even lives that couldn't be improved by utilizing the authors' viewpoints. I recommend Real Influence without reservation.

Ritch K. Eich, Ph.D, Author
Real Leaders Don't Boss (Career Press) and
Principal, Eich Associated
28 of 35 people found the following review helpful
1.0 out of 5 stars Unsophisticated, uncomplicated, straightforward, unpretentious, and accessible 1 Feb. 2013
By rlweaverii - Published on
Book review by Richard L. Weaver II, Ph.D.

People like stories--case studies, as it were--and if you enjoy them as well, you will like this book, because it consists of one story after another. It is important to note, however, that although stories may be compelling, they are strictly anecdotes and do not comprise evidence, research, or any kind of proof. Other than stories, the authors' personal experiences, and the information they gleaned from people they interviewed, there is little else here to convince readers that what they say is truly effective. What makes their ideas and suggestions potentially operative, however, is that most of them are common sense.

There are no footnotes; there is no bibliography; there are no additional resources; and there is no reliance upon what is already known about effective persuasion. That does not mean their ideas and suggestions are nonsense, it just means that readers must depend on the authors' insights, observations, case studies, and personal judgment. If that is sufficient to convince you their ideas are sound, then you will like this book and find the information both interesting and useful.

Basically, their advice boils down to this: to be an effective persuader requires that you be audience/listener centered. If you are sensitive to your audience---your listener(s)---you will be successful. This is good advice, to be sure, but it doesn't require 249 pages of touching--one reviewer used the word "heartwarming"--stories to make the point. (There is an index, but I think the only reason for it is so that all the individuals associated with the stories and case studies scattered liberally throughout the book, can locate what the authors' said about them or their experiences.)

Incidentally, I found the book very easy to read. The case studies are delightful, to be sure. And the whole book is a quick read. But, you are unlikely to find anything new here. I thought Chapter 13, "Do More Before, During, and After" (pp. 157-170), was especially poignant, because it reminded me of my "and then some" philosophy. It was the philosophy that gave birth to And Then Some Publishing, LLC, and most all of the books we publish subscribe to that way of thinking. That approach is underscored, too, in their Chapter 14, "Do More in All Three Value Channels" (pp. 171-182).

This is one of those "arm-chair books." When you have time on your hands and are looking for something to entertain yourself--just simple pleasure reading--this is the kind of book that delivers an unsophisticated treat in an uncomplicated, straightforward, intelligible, and accessible manner. It will not challenge you nor offer any new insights, but, in its own user-friendly, unpretentious, unadorned, and candid way, it will offer an enjoyable, relaxing read. For some people and on some occasions, that's sufficient.
6 of 7 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars Leading from Within 24 Jan. 2013
By Maurice L. Monette - Published on
This is not your ordinary "how to" book on how to make people do what you want them to do. While it does give advice on how to influence, it primarily focuses on the person of the leader, on the leader as a human being rather than a mere "human doing." My lifetime of training leaders and organizational consultants convinces me that leadership is about more than performance or skill. It is fundamentally about who one is willing to be. It is about the qualities of being that one is willing to manifest in order to mobilize people to do the work of the organization for the greater common good. The leader with a tool box is less a leader than a leader with clear intentions who is self-aware, willing to accept coaching, and deeply invested in what is good for others. This book is built on such assumptions. It's a book to meditate on.
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