Ralph is (not) a Vampire [Illustrated] [Paperback]

"Seriously? ... another book?... Please stop encouraging her everyone, or she'll never become an accountant!" --The author's mother ... (again)

"Bloody good. Excemetery Fangtastic. This is something I can really get my teeth into" --Count Dracula III. Dracula's cousin once removed...that is one head removed.

"We'd like to thank all your fans for their support...probably late at night - when we're feeling a bit thirsty!"
--Count BloodThirsty, Head of RSPCV: Royal Society for Prevention of Cruelty to Vampires

Ralph is a quiet, studious boy and he's definitely NOT a vampire. The fact that he turned up to his sister's birthday party dressed as one - when it wasn't even fancy dress - ... no, that was just bad luck. Well ok, that and the fact he's allergic to garlic, tames werewolves, wears only black, sleeps in open graves, has no reflection, keeps bats in his loft, oh, and even appears to drink blood. Yes, I'm afraid that is all just bad luck too...or is it?

Hi this is Corinne, the author! This is my new adventure of Ralph for 5-9 year olds. This time it is 8 chapters long and I have even added a whole section for you to fill in at the back, called "The Vampire Zone" - enter if you dare! It includes puzzles, a wordsearch, definitions of difficult words and art ideas as well as a whole bit for teachers to give ideas for lessons and exercises the whole class can get their thinking caps on and try. Written a good vampire poem? Why not e-mail it to Ralph (ralph@ralphisnotavampire.com) and see what Ralph thinks of your poetry skills!

Corinne V.Davies began entering poetry and writing competitions at the age of 5. Known also as a playwright, she has concentrated on writing for children since 2009 - teaming up with illustrator, El Ashfield, to create her much loved character 'Ralph'. Currently she is still touring schools with her book 'Ralph is (not) a Superhero' which was shortlisted for the Gateshead Award 2010 and nominated for the Royal Mail Award 2010, as well as winning the Creative Seed Fund Award and also appearing at both the Borders Book Festival and SALT Festival this year.

"Solve the anagrams for each chapter and read a joke,
then hang upside down like a vampire to see the answers!"

CHAPTER 1: The Fancy Dress Mess.
a) anagram: FNOFIC
b) joke: `What is a vampire's favourite sport?'
Answers:
a) coffin b) `Bat-minton'

Young Ralph was not that popular -
His sister told him so
And if their paths should ever cross,
She'd always let him know

That he was just `embarrassing',
whilst she was `really cool':
`Don't ever talk to me in
public places' was her rule.

Her birthday was approaching and her party had been planned,
The first vote was for fancy dress, but sadly this was banned
Because her friend, Prunella, said, `a disco would be better!'
(Which gave Ralph's sis a chance to wear her new and
sparkly sweater.)

Against her will, Ralph's parents had insisted he be there
(Though clearly if the truth was told, Ralph really didn't care)
And so his sister tried to get her own back...have a guess...
That's right! - She didn't tell him that it WASN'T fancy dress.

The party night arrived and poor Ralph's costume was complete
Outside he heard one hundred guests all pile into their street
Then head towards the big marquee his parents had erected
But if he'd glanced at their attire, he might have just detected...

His sister's evil plan, which was about to come to pass
In front of friends and family and all his sister's class.
As Ralph arrived, the music stopped, the conversation died
And Ralph, in vampire costume, stood completely mortified!

`Nice outfit!' smirked the football team -
Ralph felt his cheeks go red.
`But here's a tip, try wearing it for Halloween instead!'
"My sister told me it was fancy dress!" poor Ralph replied,
(A `shocking allegation' which big sis, of course, denied.)

`Well, I think you look fabulous!' said Amy, on arrival `and don't you know that vampires are enjoying a revival?' Ralph turned to greet his girlfriend as she hovered by the door, in fangs, false nails and long black wig - cloak trailing to the floor.

`It's Mr. Vampire and his wife!' Prunella scoffed aloud
`You both look so ridiculous - you must feel really proud,
You've wasted all that effort dressing up and looking weird!'
As all his sister's classmates slowly gathered round and jeered.
"What makes you think that we're in fancy dress?"
Ralph shouted out,
"We might be real vampires, there's a lot of them about!

You really shouldn't laugh at things you just don't understand,
Or I'll give your address to every vampire in the land!"
`He's not a real vampire...He's a joke!' Prunella mocked,
(Although she slept that night with doors and windows
fully locked!)

Though Ralph and Amy tried their best to join in with the fun,
Each time they tried to socialise, the guests would turn and run.
`If you two feel uncomfortable...' Ralph's sis began to say
`...I'll try to phrase this nicely...you could simply GO AWAY!'
"That's fine...we'll go, dear sister - we could really not care less;
Myself and Amy would prefer a lovely game of chess."

So Ralph and Amy turned to leave with vampire heads held high
bewildering the older guests they quickly shuffled by.
Prunella shouted `Night, night,
Mr. Vampire - what a joke!
You can't become a
vampire, just by putting on a cloak!'

`In his defence...' Ralph's friend began
`I bet you didn't know
that Ralph has just one allergy,
that leaves his face a-glow.
He just can't stomach garlic -so although he may be small...
It might be true that he's some kind of vampire after all.'