Quivering Daughters [Paperback]

I began reading Hillary's blog early in 2010 after my older sister ran away from home (literally). My dad had always threatened to drag us back home by the hair (if necessary) and I considered that "normal."

After reading a couple articles, I was crying so hard I had to wait until the next day to read more. Everything she said was like an arrow into my heart. Her real and direct way of talking. The grace and love that exudes from every word-- it was like I was waking up from 19 years of drugged sleep.

I could not read the book straight through, I had to put it down for a couple of days because it was so overwhelming for me. Almost everything she said...it was like she had been living alongside me. I rate it as one of the most influential books I have ever read.

For all the low-raters out there-- I know what it means to have the 7th (and 8th) child laid in my arms and feeling so upset, even though I was more of a mother to them than my mom sometimes. I remember crying for hours because my mom told me I was not being a good caretaker for #8. I wrote in my diary (and later repented for being so angry) about how he was MY baby, and she had no right to tell me I was not being a good mother to him.
I remember being given the nickname "huffy" because I would sigh when I was asked to do (another) chore, or cook dinner, or fold everyone's laundry.
I still have trouble with a guy washing dishes. I feel guilty and have to restrain myself from getting up and telling him that I will do it and he can go sit down. I feel guilty initiating a conversation. I feel guilty when I read a version of the Bible that is not the NKJV. When people talk about family, I draw a blank. It means almost nothing to me.

Hillary's book was the first step of my healing. I pray that many, many other girls who have been wounded will find it just as amazing and helpful.

In the amazing movie, Amazing Grace, that recounts the true story of abolitionist William Wilberforce and his long fight against the British slave trade, there is one scene that will forever stand out in my mind.

Frustrated by the apathy, if not arrogance, he encountered among those who were detached from the realities of slave life, Wilberforce invited a group of Britain's high society political patrons for a dinner cruise, pampering them with the best food and wine, first rate servants, and an impeccable string quartet.

As the guests finished their meal, their boat laid anchor alongside a ship called the Madagascar and Wilberforce introduced his guests to a slave ship that had just transported its latest cargo. Explaining that the voyage had begun with over 600 slaves but that 2/3 of them had died along the way, one by one, the horrified dinner guests, now covering their noses with fine linen handkerchiefs, realized that what they smelled was the stench of human death.

In a clear and simple voice, Wilberforce confirmed, "God has created all men equal," giving his guests a starting jolt of the reality of slavery and making clear why he was so passionately opposed to it. Wilberforce did not simply say "yes, there might be abuse of some Africans." Instead, he declared that the institution of slavery itself was a horrible evil.

I could not help but think of Wilberforce and his zeal to defend those who could not defend themselves as I picked up Hillary McFarland's Quivering Daughters for the first time. Exposing the reality of life for many daughters within the patriocentric paradigm, Hillary turns this movement on its head by revealing the dark side its leaders don't want to admit exists.

Hillary makes it evident right from the start that she loved being homeschooled, loved having a house full of siblings, and that she deeply loves her mother and father. This is no "Mommy Dearest" treatise nor is it a forum for rebellious homeschooling daughters. Instead, Hillary graciously explains the nature and practice of spiritual abuse while weaving together both her own experiences and those of young women who have suffered at the hands of a patriocentric system into a book that is certain to touch many hearts.

To be clear, this is no psycho babbling self-help book either. Instead, Hillary encourages her readers to seek the grace so fully offered by Jesus Christ to heal and sustain them and to embrace forgiveness as they rebuild their lives. Giving credit to her parents for instilling a love of Scripture in her life, Quivering Daughters capably explains the wrong doctrines of patriocentricity, rightly correcting its attitudes and teachings with what the Bible actually says.

The truths discovered on the pages of Quivering Daughters won't only be helpful to the young women who have been harmed by this system. Moms and dads who have embraced the performance-based style of parenting within the homeschooling world will see the fruits the paradigm peddlers don't want you to see and only the most cult like will be blinded to the fact that Hillary isn't talking about how "some" daughters are abused, but the reality that being part of the system itself IS the abuse!

I highly recommend Quivering Daughters for anyone who has been personally touched by the patriarchy/patriocentricity movement or who wants to understand what the controversy is all about; it is must reading for every single homeschooling parent. Let's pray that those who still cover their noses with patriocentric linen hankies will be convicted and stirred into action.

Karen Campbell
"thatmom"
[...].

I was not raised in the quiverfull movement, nor was I homeschooled. I learned of Hillary McFarland and "Quivering Daughters" through a mutual friend who authors a blog confronting spiritual abuse. I began to occasionally read Hillary's blog as I was putting the finishing touches on my own book.

There are certain people I meet (even online) whose hearts I feel instantly connected to and this was the case for me with Hillary. I have a deep appreciation for people who are open, genuine and willingly vulnerable. I have found her to be all of those. I wanted to read her book because I was convinced she and I shared the same goal; to help others who have been wounded by spiritual abuse.

I was already in the middle of three books when "Quivering Daughters" arrived on my front porch. I was planning to read it later, but I picked it up to glance through it and wound up reading it cover to cover within the next 48 hours. Our lives do not mirror one another's in every aspect. I learned many things about a particular lifestyle I have not lived. However, as someone who grew up in a very legalistic, perfectionistic, controlling religious environment, I related to Hillary emotionally; as a woman trying to be good enough, trying to be loved, trying to please God AND people . . . but always feeling like a disappointment.

One of the things I have learned through my journey out of spiritual abuse -- and what I believe Hillary has learned as well -- is that God did not call us to please people. The priorities cultivated in many of us through cultish groups have been wrong and harmful, yet they were presented as godly principles. Therefore, even as one begins to recognize the darkness and move toward the Light, there is confusion and self-doubt because of years of false indoctrination and mind-controlling messages. The baggage is heavy and difficult to shed. I recommend this book to anyone who has struggled to heal from the deep wounds of spiritual abuse. I also recommend it to anyone who simply wants to become more educated, so you can understand and help others who have been wounded (even if you have not).

Prior to writing this review, I read the comments of others. I want to address the one review that is technically critical of Hillary's writing. As an author of a recently self-published book, I was obsessed with making my book as technically perfect as I could; second only to choosing just the right words and speaking the truth in love and compassion. I endlessly revised, rewrote and proofed my manuscript. My editor's response to my efforts was: "All books have mistakes. The important thing is a strong message. Even a literary critic will overlook minor technical errors and regard them as insignificant compared with the strength and integrity of the message."

If someone reads this book for the help and encouragement that it contains, they will hardly notice the imperfections. In my own failure to produce a "perfect" book, I was reminded that because I am imperfect, my book will be imperfect as well. And it is now comforting to me when I notice an imperfection in other books. It means I am not alone in my imperfection.

It takes a tremendous amount of courage, which only God can provide, to write an honest book on a difficult subject; one that is not welcomed by people you love and have always wanted to please. Pain is a part of the journey. Hillary, do not let the criticisms -- or even the rejection -- discourage you. Based on my own experience, I truly believe that your book is going to help many in their road to healing. As you begin to hear from those readers, the rewards will far outweigh any of the negativity you may face. May God continue to bless you in your efforts to reach out to others and point them to Jesus!

Breaking the Chains