Orcs: Bodyguard of Lightning, Legion of Thunder, Warriors of the Tempest (Gollancz S.F.) [Paperback]

I bought this book because the concept was appealing - looking at that classic fantasy lit war from the other side - cool idea, right?. It turned out to be the first book I've ever thrown away. The Orcs aren't orcs, they're humans with glued-on tusks. The plot was at best flimsy and badly put-together. The characterisation throughout is about as nuanced as a punch in the face. An example - the evil queen is Lady Evil McRapey von Evilstein. I made it to the third rape she perpetrates (which, if memory serves, is within the first 50 pages) where she uses a unicorn horn as a dildo, threw the book across the room, then threw it in the bin.

One star is one too many.

The concept of the book is wonderfully innovative - "want to know the truth about the orc? Then why not look at the world through their eyes and discover the honorable creature that lies beneath that monstrous exterior".

Well, that's the idea but unfortunately Stan Nicholls has made one terrible error - he's not writing about orcs. The creatures he writes about are intelligent, emotional, articulate, jovial, happy, fearful, desiring and so on. Point of fact is that these orcs are so un-orclike that they're indistinguishable from humans. There are hardly any physical references to the differences we would expect with orcs (what about their great strength, toughness, skin colour, etc?), there is no mention of any reasonable contrasts between the social structure enjoyed by orcs and humans (sure these orcs are warlike but they're far from WWWWWAAAAAAARRRRR-like), and as for any mental disparities separating human and orc, well good luck in finding any (any you do find will be tenuous at the very best).

Okay, Stan is obviously writing about a different kind of orc from the one I'm thinking about but hold on a second. My mental picture of orcs is created from books such as Lord of the Rings, computer games like Warcraft, board games like Warhammer and an entire shed load of RPG games. I can safely say that my understanding of orcs is pretty broad. Ultimately, the orcs that Stan writes about are so far removed from anything orc-like that it destroys the entire concept of the book, which is a terrible shame.

I could go on about the predictable plot, the growing sense of monotony one has with each new battle, the (oft times) truly awful dialogue and horribly contrived ending. But I won't.

All in all, the book shows great promise but just fails to deliver on almost every single level - you'd do a heck of a lot better reading one of the many orcish Warhammer novels that must be out there.

Avert your eyes my orcish brethren and move on swiftly - the true glory of the orcish hoard will not be found within these pages!

Orcs is a serious disappointment. Weighing in at over 700 pages I was extremely glad to have finished it and that is never a good sign. The long story details a series of skirmishes by a band of Orcs called The Wolverines under the leadership of their Captain Stryke. The skirmishes travel across a fantasy land populated mainly by Humans but also containing a range of fantasy standards including Centaurs, Gnomes, and Dwarfs.

The best elements of the story come within the skirmishes. The battle descriptions are well done and while excessively bloody for the non-Orcs are well captured for the most part. I really did enjoy the smaller skirmishes that were well written and engaging. That skirmishes were often piled on top of one another as the Wolverines repeatedly jumped from frying pan to fire without pausing for breath. That piling on was grating at times as was the repeated mention of fortune or luck in describing how the band miraculously escaped without casualty vs overwhelming odds once again. However, the small battles were often won well.

There are many criticisms that can rightly be levelled at this book. The first is one that has appeared in previous reviewers many times and that is the Orcs are entirely indistinguishable from other races. There is nothing that differentiates the Orc lifestyle and they are just another adventurer band. Why this criticism is valid is the false marketing. Essentially the book has been sold cunningly as the story told from the Orcish point of view and frankly this is a lie so those who were tricked into buying it (like me) can rightly be offended.

Still, the main criticsm is that all of the characters are terrible. There is no emotional character development at all and everyone blurs into bland cliche. The single all-powerful villain is the most hideous character construction I have ever come across. That she rapes and tortures innocent young men for fun is an insight into Stan Nicholls psyche that leaves me wondering at his over-inflated sense of self worth. Stupidly indulgant.

The main characters themselves are moronic. The warband leader Stryke turns from being the most effective of all the Orc warriors, leading the best of the best in a daring mission as ordered by his overlord to a self-righteous freedom fighter overnight. The opening encounter is great, really well written but Stryke suddenly decides to give up everything and set off on a quest with no graduation in his character. From black to white in an instant.

The other characters are equally poorly drawn. Coilla is Stryke's main confidente and is never anything more than a plot device. Coilla only serves as a medium to demonstrate Stryke's inner thoughts and her own beliefs and understanding of the world are never questioned or developed. She is probably the weakest main support character I have ever had the misfortune of reading.

Nicholls touches on religion with apparently almost no understanding and his clumsy distinction between fanatical Unis who believe in One True God and fanatical Manis who believe in Many True Gods is an embarrassment.

As Nicholls sets his Orcs in a society where they are ruled over by a cruel dictator, there is no sense of societal construction and no explanation of how the characters involved relate to one another except as a company of fighters. Other societies are touched on but none seem to operate under any form except one dictator being followed unquestioningly.

Worst of all is the writing itself. Nicholls should not be a professional author. As someone who edits and publishes novels, I would reject this script and strike Nicholls off my list. The use of language is banal with modern day cliches continuously breaching the suspended disbelief of the fantasy setting. Orcs trade modernist cliches in their speech despite those cliches deriving from sources that could not possibly have been known to them. A fundamental principle of good writing is that the characters involved are affected by their environment and those around them - these characters speak as if their language included the sum of 20th century English.

I nearly gave this book two stars because the action is well written. By the time I got to the end of the review and reminded myself how horribly constructed this book is, with clearly no plan, no structure for developing character, and consistenly poor choice of language, all I can say is that Stan Nicholls is an author to avoid.