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Opening Up: A Guide to Polyamory: Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships [Paperback]

Tristan Taormino
4.3 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (3 customer reviews)
RRP: 12.99
Price: 11.06 & FREE Delivery in the UK. Details
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Book Description

9 Oct 2008
Relationship expert and bestselling author Tristan Taormino shows readers how to create polyamorous relationships that are satisfying and fulfilling. With wise and practical advice, Taormino helps readers decide if polyamory is right for them, explains the different types of non-monogamy and offers options for transforming a monogamous relationship into a non-monagamous one. For those already exploring polyamory, Taormino offers realistic strategies for making it work, including tips on communication and conflict resolution, as well as candid interviews with polyamorous people.

Frequently Bought Together

Opening Up: A Guide to Polyamory: Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships + The Ethical Slut: A Roadmap for Relationship Pioneers + Sex at Dawn: How We Mate, Why We Stray, and What It Means for Modern Relationships
Price For All Three: 30.74

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Product details

  • Paperback: 256 pages
  • Publisher: Cleis Press (9 Oct 2008)
  • Language: English
  • ISBN-10: 157344295X
  • ISBN-13: 978-1573442954
  • Product Dimensions: 21.7 x 13.9 x 2.8 cm
  • Average Customer Review: 4.3 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (3 customer reviews)
  • Amazon Bestsellers Rank: 254,335 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

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Review

"A luscious smorgasbord of non-monogamy as an opportunity for breaking free of one-way models of sex and love. Taormino's discussion is remarkably nuanced and balanced--and encourages readers to proceed with their eyes wide open." -- Jack Morin, PhD, author of The Erotic Mind

"Courageous, stunningly thorough and inspiring. If you need a pathfinding guide for evolving your relationships, this is it." -- Daphne Rose Kingma, author of The Future of Love

"Superbly informative, sympathetic and literate."
-- Dr. Gloria Brame, author of Different Loving

"Taormino cuts through all the utopian theory and gets down to what people really need: the nuts and bolts of how open relationships work. I want to give Opening Up to everyone I know who asks, 'How do you do it?'" -- Susie Bright, editor of Best American Erotica Series

"This is the book you want to read if you're looking for a voice that is balanced, sensitive and sensible when tackling the thorny question of sexual boundaries in love relationships. Opening Up is sure to open up your mind." -- Esther Perel, author of Mating In Captivity: Unlocking Erotica Intelligence

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Most Helpful Customer Reviews
6 of 6 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars Thorough and refreshing 25 Aug 2012
Format:Paperback|Verified Purchase
As a poly person of 7/8 years now, I have read a lot on the subject. I bought this book recently because it looked like something a bit different and seemed to cover some of the topics I found lacking in other books. I like the style of writing, the range of topics and the non-formulaic representation of non-monogamous dynamics and though I haven't even finished it yet, I am sold. It's so important that books like this continue to get published, for the sake of anyone who is exploring these things, looking for support and information. I would thoroughly recommend it and thank the author for adding to the growing body of work on non-monogamous relationship styles.
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2 of 2 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars Practical advice 28 Jan 2012
By jellona
Format:Paperback
This book is a fantastic read, and offers a lot of practical, down to earth advice for setting up a multitude of different kinds of nonmonogamous and open relationships. Highly recommended!
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6 of 12 people found the following review helpful
3.0 out of 5 stars Mediocre 31 Oct 2010
Format:Paperback
The basic idea seems right. Taormino does nothing but state some
obvious truths.
Not much original material.
The customer is advised to save his cash.
Go to Amazon USA and take advantage of
the "look inside" feature. You dont need nothing more.
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Amazon.com: 4.7 out of 5 stars  97 reviews
214 of 216 people found the following review helpful
4.0 out of 5 stars I was a bit scared to read this. 15 Jan 2010
By Dan E. Nicholas - Published on Amazon.com
Format:Paperback
I bought this book after running into several folks over a ten year period that were into polyamory--having more than one lover at a time.

To be honest, I was half way between fear and weariness in my emotional take on this book. Fear? I was and am monogamous so fear for sure; but weary of judging my two or three friends who were oriented this way with multiple lovers. I felt their honesty and candor and approach to sexual integrity was scoring far better than mine. Not to mention more often! Yes, finding more integrity in their relationships than many of my church friends, some of whom were defending to the death their long dead marriages; lifeless, dry, sexless "relationships".

With Taormino's interviews of 100 plus folks in alternative relationships, a few things stood out for me as a traditional type married and sometimes churchy guy. All of us could learn a good deal from Tristan's book here on the matter of communication and honesty. I've learned from this title what a joy it is, for example, to have permission from a spouse to notice hot ladies in the street or market. And to have talked out before such events just where the jealousy thing begins and ends and to simply be able to feel free as a man to appreciate the life force around me. Yes, feel good.

Relationship with self? Yes, important. I decided to come out erotically with my thoughts yet with the blessing of my monogamous spouse. Communication and honesty! Saying out loud who you are and what you want, what you desire. That's what this book was about for me.

Opening Up will open up a few closed minds. This doesn't have to mean that if you are into traditional marriage that you have to dial down your commitment to monogamy or start groping ladies in elevators. Contrarily, it is an invitation to appreciate how people around us are different and how others approach communication and truth telling, approach honesty with those whom they care deeply.

Another thing that stood out for me with this book is how incredibly mature a couple or an established threesome has to be to have a polyamory-styled relationship that works or seems to work. If anything, the book gave me new faith in why a jealous God just might have designed a more vanilla styled monogamy (dare I say "dumbed down"?) for the rest of us as a matter of course. Let's face it. Most of us just simply are not grown up enough to do this multiple lover thing with the integrity, honesty and full out communication needed for it to work. If it indeed can work over the long haul. But then we high horse church folk must be reminded: just how many of our marriages work or are even long haul these days?

Again, to be honest, Taormino's research and writing is just a fun, voyeuristic read. Like going "people watching" downtown for fun. It's always a kick to see how other folks live. And how sweet to learn of the post WWII "flyboys" that invented polyamory in this country, men who would take on a second woman, a widow, in order to fulfill a dying wish of a comrade in war; that a friend, a war buddy, take care of the woman he loved and must now leave in death. My, my.

Couples should read this together as it is sure to fuel many an interesting conversation between traditional spouses. And it will, as I have said, go a long way towards bringing insights into the monogamy path--like how to get over the thoughts and behaviors around "owning" someone; and how to be better at living in the abandonment and falling part of love. Indeed, how does one let oneself be in love in the moment, holding a beloved's heart gently in an open hand; rather than tightly in a closed and married fist? Interesting question.

Hey, and this, too: we are getting older. So think about it. Is death not the other lover (Eros and Thanatos, ever the pair in literature) who will edge in one day and get his or her way soon enough between the monogamous two of you? Indeed.

So maybe all mortal and traditional marriages are threesomes. Foursomes I suppose, if God is watching and participating, or invited to. Hey, open up!

Yes, traditional folk in happy relationships could gain from reading Tristan Taormino's scary work. But then lovers who care for things to stay hot and edgy must always be brave I think. For one, I'm a romantic and a one woman kind of man. But I loved this book. And, I also confess, I just got brave enough to read Ethical Slut. Now that took courage, learning how to be ethically naughty? Nice.
128 of 128 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars The book I've been waiting for 2 July 2008
By Harper J. Tobin - Published on Amazon.com
Format:Paperback
A number of good and okay books on nonmonogamy and polyamory have been published in the last several years. I read most of them: some were focused on particular forms of nonmonogamy; others dominated by a spiritual bent, others were just poorly written or edited. Some were downright Pollyanna-ish in their superficial treatment of the challenges of open relationships, occasionally reeking of smug superiority over less-evolved monogamous couplings. None of them was the perfect book I wanted to recommend to the curious, the novice, the baffled and disapproving. This is that book.

Among the book's chief strengths is its breadth. Taormino conducted over 120 interviews with a diverse sample of the nonmonogamous - people of varying ages, sexualities, and (most of all) approaches to relationships. This variety is highlighted by six chapters on different types of open relationships, discussing each types particular advantages and challenges and sharing the experiences of individuals, couples, and group relationships.

The later chapters tackle particular issues and problems common to open relationships, from the emotional (managing jealousy, coming out) to the practical (safer sex, legal and financial protections). Taormino moves beyond the platitudes common to discussions of nomonogamy - "Communicate! Be Honest! Own your feelings!" - and provides concrete advice on how to approach difficult conversations, disentangle emotional reactions, develop and follow agreements, and respond to change.

The book's heavy use of quotations and anecdotes from interview subjects, and its effort to be accessible and inclusive, result in an approach that mutes the distinctive voice and focus on sexual exploration that mark Taormino's other work as an author, editor, educator and pornographer. In-depth discussions of group sex are not to be found (Taormino recommends Vicki Vantock's Threesome Handbook); instead, the focus is on the emotional aspect of relationships, and sexual details come up only in the context of forming agreements and protecting your partners. With a few exceptions - such as her criticism of the "radical honesty" school of intimate communication - the book presents varied opinions and approaches in a neutral, descriptive fashion; rather than question the importance of gender and heterosexual intercourse to many people's relationship agreements, for example, she simply recognizes these as emotional facts to be addressed.

This book will be most interesting to those relatively new to thinking about, or doing, open relationships. But while those for whom nonmonogamy is familiar may be tempted to skim or skip this book (or any new book on the subject), nearly everyone will find something thought-provoking, such as the discussion of mono/poly relationships (which poly folk sometimes regard as doomed to fail, in much the way many monogamous folks regard polyamory generally), the evolution of group relationships, and coping with major changes in wants, needs, and circumstances.

[...]
47 of 47 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars Essential reading for everybody entering into an intimate relationship of any kind 28 Jun 2008
By Mistress D - Published on Amazon.com
Format:Paperback
Tristan Taormino has done it again. Her flair for intelligent, engaging journalism takes a hotly debated subject and demystifies it in a pragmatic, yet charming manner. As a relationship counselor, specializing in alternative affairs, I have, by this time, given all of my initial order copies of Opening Up to clients and friends. This easy to read primer holds priceless value to anyone involved in an intimate liaison and is not only for those in or contemplating open relationships. Taormino's talent for translating thorough research into entertaining reading is made even more beneficial through her use of checklists, guides, definitions and practical advice on etiquette, negotiation and more. What could have easily been just another boring, clinical look at alternative relationship models is presented in a vividly human way and accentuated via the many personal experiences which can be found throughout the book. By shattering countless misconceptions, fabrications, myths and rumors about open relationships, Taormino also brings to light the fact that monogamy is a choice and not an expectation. As well, this delightfully honest author clearly communicates her deep understanding that there is no "right" model. Opening Up vividly illustrates, through tireless research, skillful writing and real life accounts, that all manner of relationships require periodic reevaluation highlighted by meaningful, sincere communication and negotiation in a fearless, loving environment. In her inimitable style, Taormino gently urges the reader to awareness that these are key elements for success in relationships of any kind. I have and will continue to recommend this revealing book to not only those experiencing ambivalence about their current relationship but also to those who are curious about breathing new life into their existing arrangement. Opening Up is so filled with readable, practical information that it is likely to provide the necessary evidence which could change, "I think I'd like to....," into "Be careful what you wish for;" giving it enhanced value for enlightening those who may be impetuous or uninformed thus perhaps avoiding ill conceived forays into potentially treacherous relationship territory. In a world where marriages and families fail at an alarming rate, this refreshingly entertaining "how to" provides essential insight and practical advice - making it near mandatory reading for any and all who are contemplating relationship counseling, marriage or any other intimate, family arrangement.
27 of 29 people found the following review helpful
4.0 out of 5 stars Informative overview of non-monogamy 8 Aug 2008
By J. Grattan - Published on Amazon.com
Format:Paperback
This book provides basic information concerning open or non-monogamous relationships: the various types of arrangements, psychological demands and difficulties, and practical considerations involving going public, raising children, legalities, and safe sex practices. The book is primarily motivated by the well-chronicled difficulties that many experience within the confines of monogamy. According to the author, expanding a monogamous relationship has the possibilities of enhanced sexual fulfillment, more freedom to choose, and personal growth.

Though the author obviously favors open relationships, she cautions that substantial self-awareness and self-evaluation are needed before embarking on such. She emphasizes that communication, honesty, boundaries, and trust are absolutely essential to form and maintain viable non-monogamous relationships. Even in established relationships, feelings of jealousy, envy, insecurity, and loneliness are constant threats to stability. Renewal and adaptability are watchwords for success.

While not blatantly so, the book is somewhat geared to bisexuals and gays involved with non-monogamy, perhaps reflecting the composition of non-monogamous practitioners. Only a few of her interviewees were completely straight and monogamous. Also, while the author issues warnings about embarking on non-monogamy, one gets the sense that the emotional difficulties and ramifications of opening up are considerably understated. The author makes no claims to being a psychology expert, instead relying mostly on her personal experiences and of those she interviewed. Nonetheless, the book seems to be good overview on the subject of non-monogamy.
15 of 15 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars Essential Reading for All in or Contemplating an Open Relationship 10 July 2008
By Anita Wagner - Published on Amazon.com
Format:Paperback
Tristan Taormino is an over-achiever, a multifaceted woman with an impressive breadth of expertise and talent. To her long list of accomplishments she now adds this latest book on open relationships. At almost 350 pages, it leaves nothing out.

This is a book of amazing diversity with personal stories of people from a wide range of sexual orientations, lifestyles, and styles of open relationship. It was thoroughly researched and includes references to a significant number of well-known alternative relationships experts, sociologists, anthropologists, researchers, therapists and communications and relationship skills experts.

Far from a dry technical manual, throughout the book Taormino includes compelling quotes from and the personal stories of many of the 126 people she interviewed. These lend a valuable perspective by which the reader can identify and connect with the information and advice offered. She includes checklists and questions for negotiating the terms of open relationship and explains terminology to help people who are new to open relationships get a handle on what kind of open relationship they want.

Chapters that particularly impress me are the chapters on compersion (which is the most comprehensive I've seen on that topic), coming out, raising children in open relationships, safer sex (also excellent) and legal and practical matters.

The book is thoroughly annotated and includes statistics about the age, locale, gender, sexual orientation, etc., of the interviewees. There is a comprehensive and up-to-date resource guide that includes a lengthy book list, (I have the impression that she's read everyone of them!), a list of conferences and events, GLBT/queer resources, local, regional and national and international organizations, online groups, listservs and communities, professional directories, resources on research and activism, spirituality resources, and so on.

Opening Up will quickly become a mainstay for those learning how to successfully conduct their open relationships.
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