I Only Say This Because I Love You (Paperback)

In families, people look for signs of approval as well as the overt message being sent. Each message you send needs to be analyzed for message and metamessage in terms of both connection (on a continuum from closeness to distance) and control (on a continium from superior-inferior to equality).

In this outstanding book, conversational analyst Deborah Tannen captures the verbal and mental essences of how to improve our family relationships. The book deals with those situations where the message is either positive or negative, and the overall impression (metamessage) is critical. These range from being praised for some menial accomplishment (with the implication that you are a loyal slave with little talent) to "I care, therefore I criticize" (usually from Mom) to sarcasm (usually from a spouse or teenager, suggesting you must be an idiot). The book looks at relationships with spouses, parents and children (from both directions), siblings, in-laws, and extends the consideration to the full dimensions of one's lifetime.

Perceptions change as we age, and adjustments are needed. A parent starts out as dominant, then the child wants equality (and no criticism), and eventually the child often becomes like a parent to parent who is in mental and physical decline.

The book addresses how to improve both your speech and your listening. On the listening side, you are encouraged to focus on the metamessage and to find the most positive one. Where you could hear criticism, focus on the fact that the other person is expressing caring. Then address the unfortunate metamessage. Say something like, "Why are you criticizing my driving?" There is usually another motive at work. Get it out in the open. The ventilation will improve the relationship. Usually, the motives have almost nothing to do with the literal message. On the speaking side, you are encouraged to avoid sarcasm, getting the other person to think exactly like you do (especially if they are a different sex and much older or younger), and sending derogatory metamessages (the worst is "you are incompetent").

All of the text is drawn from recorded conversations, many from television series of families that you may have seen. I think this book will be most beneficial if it is shared with the other members of your family. In discussing it, you can agree on some better rules for conversational behavior.

After you have finished enjoying this set of methods for avoiding and mitigating those painful moments, I suggest that you think about where you do the same things at work and with friends. Then, change your speaking and listening there as well!

Make your caring the most important message you send!

In families, people look for signs of approval as well as the overt message being sent. Each message you send needs to be analyzed for message and metamessage in terms of both connection (on a continuum from closeness to distance) and control (on a continium from superior-inferior to equality).

In this outstanding book, conversational analyst Deborah Tannen captures the verbal and mental essences of how to improve our family relationships. The book deals with those situations where the message is either positive or negative, and the overall impression (metamessage) is critical. These range from being praised for some menial accomplishment (with the implication that you are a loyal slave with little talent) to "I care, therefore I criticize" (usually from Mom) to sarcasm (usually from a spouse or teenager, suggesting you must be an idiot). The book looks at relationships with spouses, parents and children (from both directions), siblings, in-laws, and extends the consideration to the full dimensions of one's lifetime.

Perceptions change as we age, and adjustments are needed. A parent starts out as dominant, then the child wants equality (and no criticism), and eventually the child often becomes like a parent to parent who is in mental and physical decline.

The book addresses how to improve both your speech and your listening. On the listening side, you are encouraged to focus on the metamessage and to find the most positive one. Where you could hear criticism, focus on the fact that the other person is expressing caring. Then address the unfortunate metamessage. Say something like, "Why are you criticizing my driving?" There is usually another motive at work. Get it out in the open. The ventilation will improve the relationship. Usually, the motives have almost nothing to do with the literal message. On the speaking side, you are encouraged to avoid sarcasm, getting the other person to think exactly like you do (especially if they are a different sex and much older or younger), and sending derogatory metamessages (the worst is "you are incompetent").

All of the text is drawn from recorded conversations, many from television series of families that you may have seen. I think this book will be most beneficial if it is shared with the other members of your family. In discussing it, you can agree on some better rules for conversational behavior.

After you have finished enjoying this set of methods for avoiding and mitigating those painful moments, I suggest that you think about where you do the same things at work and with friends. Then, change your speaking and listening there as well!

Make your caring the most important message you send!

"Why does talk in the family so frequently go in circles, leaving us tied up in knots?" "When we talk to family members, we search for signs of love but become attuned to signs of disapproval." Our reaction is to "the meaning of the words spoken -- the message -- but also to what we think those words say about the relationship -- the metamessage." So each message needs to be analyzed for message and metamessage in terms of both connection (on a continuum from closeness to distance) and control (on a continium from superior-inferior to equality).

In this outstanding book, conversational analyst Deborah Tannen captures the verbal and mental essences of how to improve our family relationships. The book deals with those situations where the message is either positive or negative, and the overall impression (metamessage) is critical. These range from being praised for some menial accomplishment (with the implication that you are a loyal slave with little talent) to "I care, therefore I criticize" (usually from Mom) to sarcasm (usually from a spouse or teenager, suggesting you must be an idiot). The book looks at relationships with spouses, parents and children (from both directions), siblings, in-laws, and extends the consideration to the full dimensions of one's lifetime.

Perceptions change as we age, and adjustments are needed. A parent starts out as dominant, then the child wants equality (and no criticism), and eventually the child often becomes like a parent to parent who is in mental and physical decline.

The book addresses how to improve both your speech and your listening. On the listening side, you are encouraged to focus on the metamessage and to find the most positive one. Where you could hear criticism, focus on the fact that the other person is expressing caring. Then address the unfortunate metamessage. Say something like, "Why are you criticizing my driving?" There is usually another motive at work. Get it out in the open. The ventilation will improve the relationship. Usually, the motives have almost nothing to do with the literal message. On the speaking side, you are encouraged to avoid sarcasm, getting the other person to think exactly like you do (especially if they are a different sex and much older or younger), and sending derogatory metamessages (the worst is "you are incompetent").

All of the text is drawn from recorded conversations, many from television series of families that you may have seen. I think this book will be most beneficial if it is shared with the other members of your family. In discussing it, you can agree on some better rules for conversational behavior.

After you have finished enjoying this set of methods for avoiding and mitigating those painful moments, I suggest that you think about where you do the same things at work and with friends. Then, change your speaking and listening there as well!

Make your caring the most important message you send!