Onechanbara - Bikini Samurai Squad (Xbox 360)

This is possibly the most `Japanese' game that has ever come into existence; it is also possibly the best idea for a video game ever. The basic `story' is that sexy Japanese samurai sisters (in bikinis) fight off a horde of invading zombies from space... I think! From that sentence alone it might be unimaginable to conceive that this game could be anything other than absolutely `effing awesome!
Sadly, this game manages to be extremely bad. This is actually the most disappointingly bad execution of a video game concept since the extremely let down that was Jet Set radio on the Sega Saturn, or something (but don't get me started on that). What should have been a fun hack and slash scrolling beat `em up type of affair ends up being an extremely slow, depressingly ugly and rather boring trudge through a series of murky environments.
So, how and why (and how) did this game get messed up so spectacularly? Well, firstly there's the graphics, and I know graphics don't mean everything, but this is a next (um, `next') gen console and a certain standard has to be expected. The graphics on display in this choppy-sock nonsense are definitely sub-standard. The colour scheme is violently bland and anything that isn't immediately covered in blood (although admittedly, that isn't much) is either a dull grey or brown mass. If this was just confined to the many (many) dungeon or sewer levels it wouldn't be so bad, but the colour scheme is just as muted and drab when your character is dicing zombie business in, say, a park or a forest. It is also understandable that the zombies have got the traditional brown/grey/blue colour scheme, as they are supposed to be wearing the clothes they were buried in (unless they did come from space...actually, I'm not sure they did). The game has the overall look of one of the lower end playstation 2 titles which really isn't good enough.
The sound effects and music are pretty standard too...as in; they aren't particularly memorable, so understandably I've completely forgotten them. I think there are a couple of good schelchy attack sounds and zombie moans, but they're more like Sega Megadrive effects than the noises a next (next) gen console should be spewing into your ear holes!
Right, now let's get onto the game play, the `meat' in this zombie pie. It's not good, and no amount of zombie space plot holes are going to be able to resurrect the playability on this undead turkey! Firstly, the stages themselves are very, very similar. The goal for each level is to basically reach the end of a long linear (or sometimes slightly maze like) area. Sometimes you might need to backtrack slightly to find a key and occasionally a slightly bigger zombie thing will attack you which will need defeating if you want to progress (and why wouldn't you right?). There is also the obligatory `boss fight' at the end of the level, and while these aren't too bad, I felt so bored by this point that I just wanted to get off the level and finish the damn thing!
The combat is dire and simplistic. Considering all you do in the game is chop up zombies, you'd at least expect a large moves list or special moves you can upgrade, or new weapons.....or something! All throughout the game you have the same limited moves list and the same set of weapons (one of the girls has throwing knives the other has either one or two swords at a time, `yawn'). Your characters can `level up' with experience points, which at least makes slicing through the same six zombies again and again mildly worthwhile, although you can only strengthen the characters in a small amount of categories (strength, heath etc...'YAWN'). The only quite entertaining feature, which quickly turns infuriating, is the blood which builds up on your characters' weapon the more enemies you hack up. The `bloodier' your sword is, the less damage it does and the slower your character can swing it, until it finally starts getting stuck in the enemies, leaving you vulnerable for a precious few seconds while you pull it out of their wiggling guts. There is a move you can perform at any time to enable your character to whip the blood off of their sword onto the (usually brown) floor, which re-sets the blood meter. Although doing this takes a precious few (boring) seconds as well, so you're usually vulnerable either way.
Ultimately this game is a wasted opportunity and a massive waste of anyone's time. Maybe people who are `into' blocky semi naked women or nerdy fans of the cartoon series (or comic or whatever) will get some enjoyment out of this, but everyone else will just take an instant dislike to this bloody mess of a game! If you do somehow find it in your (re) possession, `shuffle' back to the shops with it and moan at them (like a zombie) until you get your money back! This is, um...Dead boring.
Overall score: 1 blocky, brown zombie out of 5!

There's a lot technically wrong with this game. Some quirky translations and fiddly to play at times. Personally I don't care, it's really fun and mindless. You don't have to worry about the plot, just run around tearing zombies apart with samurai swords with blood flying everywhere. Best to play as a distraction or a break from a more involved game. Google the game mechanics if you get this though, it doesn't explain it that well.

Since the graphics, the sounds and the overall appearance of this game are bad (except for the character-renderings) and you won't pay much for it by now, I'd consider Onechanbara a Low-Budget B-Game.

Given that, Onechanbara is a nice little hack-and-slay game with sexy babes. No more, no less. Take your time though, it won't be any fun until you learned the controls. There is a nice PDF guide roaming the internet that will help you a lot. Once you get a hang on how to slash the different zombies in the most effective way, you can concentrate on grinding, leveling up and beating one of the many challenges which, altogether, is some fun. You definitely won't have ANY fun here by smashing buttons randomly, though.

So, one star for the babes, one for the gameplay and one for the babes.

And yes, I value women and I know that they have the ability to do anything beyond slashing zombies in a bikini, just like men do (in shorts).