Nonviolent Communication: a Language of Life [Paperback]

If you decide to go on a course to learn nonviolent communication, you are asked to read this book before going on the course - generally a two day foundation course. The request is a clue to the practical nature of this book which is the bible of the nonviolent communication community. Marshall Rosenberg writes simply and plainly and with a very human voice of day to day preoccupations - good relations with children, lovers and parents. It seems simple on first reading but when you begin to try and apply the lessons by yourself or on a course, you begin to understand that while Marshall's promise is improvement and better relations, this does not arrive instantly but with effort and concentration. He is not a prophet promising instant solutions and salvations. Each chapter in the book repays reading and re-reading. The book plays an essential role in an understanding of both the necessity of better communication and of its possibility. Marshall's phrase for the goal we need is 'compassionate connection' - communication with purpose for closer and non-judgemental relationships.

Of all the books I've read, this is the one I'd say has been most useful to me.
I was intrigued by it's use in war-torn countries - rouanda, somalia, palastine and 'serious' situations like gang wars, prisons and violent encounters: so I thought I might learn something. I really enjoyed the book - it was like getting a flash of insight into a simpler underlying reality that makes a lot of sense to me. The process seems simple, almost trivial (like much deep insight can be) then you try it out and it's frustratingly artificial and hard work. You persist and find it gets easier, more natural. Then it gets harder, and so on. Overall, my experience of working with the book is that it's really valuable in finding ways of working in situations I'd have found too challenging previously. And a lot of hope that it's possible through practice to really deepen the quality of communication, and relation, with people. When we can do that, as he says, the other problems solve themselves. Thats been my experience.

Have to admit that for me the book is anything but shallow; however I agree with the comment that it takes a lot of time getting to understand and practice the principles of NVC properly - for me about a year and a half of (hard) on - (switched) off effort. This is because, to truly communicate well we have to at first know our own feelings fully, and in a society and time when we are used to doing the opposite means that this takes really hard work. In addition, because of the society pressures, we are rarely supported in those efforts so it can seem like doubly hard work. I can only imagine the reviewers who have spoken of their irritation that the author seems to lack 'passion' and seems nicey-nicey is that, as a society, we have become so used to raised voices, aggressive gestures, and a childish taking our frustration out on others with few boundaries as a way of expressing 'passion' and 'feeling' that we have become inured to any other way of communicating more effectively, concerned that it might be equal to 'stuffing our own feelings down' in order to facilitate communication. This is not what NVC is about. What NVC offers an equally if not arguably more passionate and a really much more honest sharing of feelings but through gentle emotional sharing, rather than insults, jealous outbursts and language.

This is the essence of vulnerabilty, which is the essence of what NVC requires and that may well be an uncomfortable revelation for many (this certainly includes me). I speak as one who was/is neither calm nor lacking in passion, quite the opposite - but my method of communication was causing me pain (as well as to preclude genuine relationships and sharing). This is where NVC comes into its own, both in challenging the reader to identify emotions (difficult when the only one you have come to adopt due to its general acceptance which is anger), to express vulnerability and hopefulness whilst accepting that your request may not be accepted until you accept others requests and needs - which is a hard lesson. But it is very powerful way of communicating and connecting - and you have to do it to realise why it works this way round and not another. No amount of explanation will convince anyone intellectually reading the book of the consequences of adopting and using NVC.

One of the most helpful things I and others with whom I have now shared the book, have learned is the 'feelings' lists. What was most shocking initally, was how difficult I found it to figure out what exactly it was I was feeling in any given situation (other than angry), and the same was true for those around me applying those principles. We realised we couldn't express and commuicate how we felt, even though we were convinced of our anger and passion in receiving events. To learn that beneath the blanket 'anger' was a vast array of subtle emotions which, once identified, allowed me to learn to share, to have more intimate and close connections with people that mattered, and to have the kinds of relationship that eluded me. I learned also that the majority of the pain I was feeling was of being rejected by another, in not being understood, and in my own ability to express how much I was hurting and being hurt by a particular communication; lastly in being invalidated in so many ways. It took a long time to come to the honesty of this realisation and to be able to express it in a way it could be received and validated. I read this book in conjunction with several others I approached to help me to relate more intimately and genuinely with people, two of which spring to mind "He's Scared, She's scared" (Steven Carter) and "Emotional Unavailability" (Bryn C Collins) to address the issues I was facing. This one helps with the practical application of communication, the others look at the underlying reasons for failing to connect in relationships in a healthy way. All come highly recommended.