My Husband Is Gay: A Woman's Guide to Surviving the Crisis
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“These women demonstrate the will to survive intact . . . Their passage to wholeness exemplifies forgiveness, growth, healing, hope, and sometimes reconciliation.”—from MY HUSBAND IS GAY
Carol and Jim were high school sweethearts who married in their early twenties. Thirty years and two children later, Jim announced to his wife that he was homosexual. A fundamentalist Christian, he had been leading a double life for years. In an effort to sort out her pain and confusion, Carol Grever sought out other heterosexual women, of all ages, ethnicities, and educational backgrounds, who were married to gay men. The stories she uncovered examine their coping strategies and form the basis of this manual for healing.
Carol and Jim were high school sweethearts who married in their early twenties. Thirty years and two children later, Jim announced to his wife that he was homosexual. A fundamentalist Christian, he had been leading a double life for years. In an effort to sort out her pain and confusion, Carol Grever sought out other heterosexual women, of all ages, ethnicities, and educational backgrounds, who were married to gay men. The stories she uncovered examine their coping strategies and form the basis of this manual for healing.
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Appearances may not reflect reality, particularly when it is necessary to hide a secret. Read the first page
Front Cover | Copyright | Table of Contents | Excerpt | Back Cover
Appearances may not reflect reality, particularly when it is necessary to hide a secret. Read the first page
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12 reviews
104 of 126 people found the following review helpful
What about the straight spouse?
15 Sep 2003
Format:Paperback
This book was a good accounting of the various stages of grief experienced by a straight spouse to whom it is revealed in whatever manner that her husband is gay. It gives the straight spouse validation that she is not alone.
However, to my disappointment, but book seems far too slanted toward the gay spouse, his struggle, how horrible it must have been, is, for him. It seems to guide the straight wife down a path that leads to "it's okay, I still love him, we can still be friends". For me, this will never be okay,and it should never be okay. Unfaithfulness is NOT OKAY. That is not to say that I am going to be angry forever in a destructive way. I am angry now (1 1/2 years after my divorce and almost nine years after I first found out)but I know that will get less intense. Straight spouses need to stand up for themselves and be counted, need to say that this is NOT okay and that the gay spouses need to take responsibility for not knowing himself and not being honest with himself and women they married. It is not okay to be unfaithful to your wife, even if it is with another man because you are gay. You get the divorce first, take responsibility for any children and other practical aspects of the marriage, and then move on if you must. This book seems to pity the gay men in marriages and has not nearly enough support and sympathy for the wives who are almost invariably left with all the responsiiblity - the author herself admits that her husband spent time on vacation with other men, leaving her to shoulder the full load of the business they owned together. Just because someone is gay and married does not give them license to abdicate responsibility, and this author seems to let the gay men off way too easily. More attention should be given to empowering the straight spouses to stand up for themselves and demand that their gay husbands shoulder their end of the marriage bargain. Nothing in the marriage vows states "till death do us part, unless I discover I'm gay and then all bets are off".
However, to my disappointment, but book seems far too slanted toward the gay spouse, his struggle, how horrible it must have been, is, for him. It seems to guide the straight wife down a path that leads to "it's okay, I still love him, we can still be friends". For me, this will never be okay,and it should never be okay. Unfaithfulness is NOT OKAY. That is not to say that I am going to be angry forever in a destructive way. I am angry now (1 1/2 years after my divorce and almost nine years after I first found out)but I know that will get less intense. Straight spouses need to stand up for themselves and be counted, need to say that this is NOT okay and that the gay spouses need to take responsibility for not knowing himself and not being honest with himself and women they married. It is not okay to be unfaithful to your wife, even if it is with another man because you are gay. You get the divorce first, take responsibility for any children and other practical aspects of the marriage, and then move on if you must. This book seems to pity the gay men in marriages and has not nearly enough support and sympathy for the wives who are almost invariably left with all the responsiiblity - the author herself admits that her husband spent time on vacation with other men, leaving her to shoulder the full load of the business they owned together. Just because someone is gay and married does not give them license to abdicate responsibility, and this author seems to let the gay men off way too easily. More attention should be given to empowering the straight spouses to stand up for themselves and demand that their gay husbands shoulder their end of the marriage bargain. Nothing in the marriage vows states "till death do us part, unless I discover I'm gay and then all bets are off".
11 of 11 people found the following review helpful
So grateful for this book.
21 Dec 2007
Format:Paperback
I bought this book because my husband has decided he's gay. Because we first had a friendship many years ago, then we turned on the romance, we are surviving through this situation still living together, with our children. We are giving ourselves a time of transition to work it out. The kids are too young to hear the circumstances so they don't even suspect. But, I had so many questions in regards to how to handle this, not necessarily why is he gay. But, the book helped me to confirm that I definitely can't change his orientation, he and I had both thought for a moment, that it could be prayed out of him, but alas, no, and we are Christians and really love the Lord. Just hearing about other women's situations is a help in transcending your own troubles. You almost feel that you are sitting present listening to support groups talk about their challenges with the husband coming out. I feel that my husband and I have definitely taken the high road in transitioning to an eventual separation. We plan on staying very involved as a "family", and I hope is at some point in the distant future, to meet a man whom I can share a complete relationship with. My husband is an amazing person and father and I always want him in my life, in our children's lives. It hurts so much now to be working through this, the tears keep coming, my husband and I continue to have discussions about handling the future for our "family". Carol's book is very comforting, focuses on keeping you healthy, bringing you to a place of peace, as the straight spouse, as you work through your issues. There is no workbook, but I definitely was calmed and helped to keep on track to love my husband now as still a best friend, person, and father, and myself, too, so that life can move forward for me positively and healthfully. Her last section on steps to take to "get through this situation" are of peace and of love, which when acted out by anyone, in my heart I know, is the best way. I know my husband hurts because this incredible situation hurts me and will affect our "beautiful" family as it is. Carol helped me work through my anger. I'd sit down to read the book when feeling, mad, angry and confused, and stop reading at a point, then feeling hopeful, more at peace and brought back to a path of love and health for which to lead my actions for both myself and towards my husband, which of course is a definite benefit for our children, whom we adore above all. Her words to regard him as a valuable person, etc. were encouraging.
All the best, this book will help you on your way, in a situation which of course is devastating to anyone.
All the best, this book will help you on your way, in a situation which of course is devastating to anyone.
41 of 51 people found the following review helpful
Right on Target
29 May 2001
Format:Paperback
As Director of the Straight Spouse Network, having listened to the stories of thousands of spouses, I can say without hesitation that My Husband is Gay presents an accurate picture of the ups and downs of a wife's painful journey after her husband reveals he is [homosexual] or bisexual. Weaving her personal story along with those of many other womenn she interviewed, Carol Grever offers a broad spectrum of practical models for how to get through this crisis in one piece -- and also the possibilites of growth through the process.
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