Modelland [Library Binding]

This book absolutely blew me away--and I don't mean that in a good way. Oh, do I not mean that in a good way.

Let me be clear on something first; I have been an avid reader ever since I learned how to read. I read constantly--I'd say on average a couple of books a week, unless I'm working on something of truly epic length. I will give pretty much anything a try, from non-fiction to just about any genre of fiction that exists, which unfortunately means that I have stumbled across a few books truly mind-bending in just how heinously eye-gouging they are.

With that being said, I am pretty certain this is literally the worst book I have ever read. Now, to be clear, I went into this assuming it was going to be bad--actually, I went into this assuming it was going to be very, very bad. I thought it would be good for a few laughs, a couple of eye rolls, a snark here and there...and then I began actually reading it, and I discovered that, like a protagonist in one of the Anaconda movies who has just discovered there is a giant man-eating snake with the persistence of an entire special ops unit after them, I needed to get the hell out, NOW.

And yet I did not. I kept reading, because I genuinely could not believe my eyes--what kind of ADULT writes like this? I understand this is a YA novel, but there are plenty of well-written YA novels out in this great wide world, so I hardly consider that an excuse. I really do not know where to begin with this review. From ridiculous names (yes this is a fantasy novel, but please--Tookie? Creamy? Bravo? Zarpessa? Theowhateverthehellhisnamewas Lovelaces?) to utterly stupid plotlines (sashes that impart magical model powers, bratty models turned cats and doctors with roller skates for feet, among a few,) this book boils over with WTF moments that rival Edward Cullen eating his baby out of Bella's uterus. The romance between the lead character and a ripply-muscled slab of manmeat whose only flaw is ragged nails consists of thumb sucking and heart-pounding comparisons of Tookie's eyes to mint and chocolate. Whose heart did not skip a beat, after all, when Tookie's tickling hips felt that tingly wash of heat upon the first tentative union between Bravo's thumb and her tongue? I personally nearly swooned.

Tyra's writing alone is atrocious; even an amazing idea buried underneath such gems as 'Too-too just mouth pee-peed all over you!' could not have come close to saving this book. From Mary Sues to mop hair (literally) nostril raping Tookie while she lies in an infirmary where nurses are called purses and have knives for boobs, there is so much wrong with this book that I could write an entire dissertation on it and still not come close to skimming the surface of just how bad this is.

We have hunchbacks with clever nicknames like 'Hunchy,' bedcovers with faces on them magically enticed to life by the aforementioned magical sashes, monsters assembled from musical instruments that eat people (but apprently do not have an appetite for arms,) bad poetry and theme songs galore, chapters with titles like 'Stunning, Statuesque, Strobotronic Stars With Stupefying Stratospheric Struts...I could go on and on. There is so much thesaurus rape present in this novel that I can still hear the poor thing whimpering for sweet, merciful death.

Two plus sides to reading this book: I admit I did get a lot of laughs out of just how bad it was and how seriously Tyra seemed to take it all, and of course, now anytime someone displeases me, I can regale them with the Modelland theme song until they bleed from the ears...or jump out the nearest window. If you think you have the stomach for it, by all means, read this book; I really was in awe of how ridiculously awful the entire thing was. Just, you know, borrow it from the library or something. If I had actually paid for this, I assume I would have thrown myself into oncoming traffic immediately upon completing it.

Take the first Harry Potter book and mash it together with some cheesy romance and prose comparable to Stephanie Meyer. That's "Modelland." I'd expected a short book, but it's over 500 pages long, and is the first of a trilogy. I cannot get over how amateurish the cover looks. It looks worse than many self-published novels I've seen. And judging by the clunky text, I'd almost mistake it for one.

The first think I noticed about the novel were the questionable name choices for the characters. Tookie De La Creme; her sister, Myrracle De La Creme; her mother, Creamy De La Creme. Zarpessa Zarionneaux. Ci~L, along with most of the people in Modelland. Whimsical names I can handle, but these are ridiculous (eye-roll inducing, actually). Only the minor characters seem to get normal-sounding names.

The book showcases everything that's wrong with popular culture today. It's a feminist's nightmare: an entire society of shallow girls/women who aspire to nothing beyond beauty and the lure of Modelland. Where you're a Forgetta-Girl if you're perceived to be unattractive. Mothers prepare their children from before they're born for the Day of Discovery to be a famous Intoxibella, who gain superpowers through their training. And not being chosen makes the truly vain/obsessed "diseased" with an affliction worse than the Bubonic Plague. The internalized misogyny is staggering. So much for the strong girls Banks lauds in her intro. It's the wrong message to send teenage girls, to aspire to beauty before everything else (because even Tookie envies the Intoxibellas). Modelland itself is the single source of happiness for the entire world -- a sick, sad reflection of trends in society.

Stereotypes abound, as do bland one-dimensional characters. Not one character is particularly likable, most notably Tookie. The ugly duckling protagonist didn't garner any sympathy. In fact, Banks goes out of her way to make Tookie boring. Why do I want to read about a boring nobody? Oh wait, I don't. She's a clumsy, awkward, ~special snowflake~...hmm, where have I read *that* one before.

The world-building is laughable for a fantasy novel. Names for locations are as bad as the names given to characters. StripTown, SansColor, Kremlingrad, FiveHundred, Bou-Big-Tique Nation? So bad it spoofs itself. Seems like their entire world revolves around the industry of fashion, beauty, or entertainment, and I have a hard time believing that.

Finding the SM-IZEs in the water is lifted straight out of "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory" and turns out exactly how you'd predict. The storyline is a bastardized adaptation of Harry Potter, and it's a poor imitation in every aspect. Repulsive parents fawning over other sibling? Check. Mysterious school where ~magical~ things happen? Check. A student who inexplicably hates the protagonist? Check. A game in which the protagonist excels? Check. It's too bad none of the plot was copied over.

The book is way too long for what little actually happens. Too much emphasis is placed on what people look like and the clothes they're wearing and not enough on character development. Or plot. At times, it reads like a bad reality TV show. Tension comes out of nowhere and feels forced. The ending is fairly anticlimactic and really sort of pointless.

The novel had some good ideas and elements, all of which were poorly developed and poorly written. It could've been a powerful statement against a superficial culture, but instead it does too much to glorify it. Maybe by the end of the third book, a positive message will come out, but Banks doesn't do the job here. A weak start for the series. In the hands of a decent writer, this might have been a compelling story.

Tookie, according to the urban dictionary is an adjective used to describe a) a shotgun killing, in particular those of notorious Crips Gang founder, Stanley 'Tookie' Williams, and b) a female sex organ.

After having read this book, I think I can safely say that Ms. Banks is not alluding to Stanley Williams, his innocence or guilt or gangsta culture in general as for the female sex organ, hmm, I'm still not entirely sure.

Tookie de la Creme, the heroine of Modelland, wants to be a model, she also wants friends, a boyfriend and other stuff. In particular she wants to be an Intoxibella, think super models + the kind of power over life and death that Kim Jon Il has over the North Korean people. Somehow her life's goal is meant to be not only normal, but admirable.

Now if you thought Modelland was just a book, think again, it has it's own language, watch out J.R.R. Tolkien, you thought you were so clever putting your years of linguistics training to use creating a language of the elves, Modelland's vocab is totally Sm-ize (that's a term for a ridiculously coveted object of power). Here, I will use it in a sentence, 'my new headband is Sm-ize.'

One big barrier for Tookie's goal to be a model; she's ugly and a Forgetta-Girl (another prime example of this book's kickin' made up language!). The story abounds with descriptions of her freakishly ugly appearance, giant feet, a punch bowl sized head, frizzy hair, I could go on and on but I won't.

Oh, also, no one can see her. Seriously folks, Tookie tumbles down a flight of stairs, is so badly injured that she lies on the ground for hours and crowds of people walk around her, parting like waves around a rock and she is completely invisible (cue the spooky music). She also has a preternatural ability to heal herself, falling down a flight of stairs and being so injured that you can't move for hours, well, at the very least she had a spinal cord injury and any normal person would need a doctor, phys therapy, cervical collar, etc.

When Tookie isn't being ignored, pushed down stairs and cruelly mocked by her sister Myrracle(who can see her, but only to sing weird put downs about her) she visits her bff, Lizzie, who lives in a tree on a dirty mattress.

Yes, I did say Lizzie lives in a tree. Not a tree like the Bernstain Bears, this is for reals, chickies, sap, leaves, bark and bird poop!

Enough with all the world building, now onto the action-y stuff, the whole world goes crazypants for a giant modelling contest, if you think it can't be cutthroat and dangerous, then this little snippet will rock your brain, 'Kenya use the Gyaku Zuki move!' her mother screamed. "Reverse-punch the hairy hag! But watch your hair, sweetie!"

Stuff is going down and you as the reader are in for a roller coaster of goodies, the likes of which haven't been seen since, well, darn, I'm drawing a blank, this book has that effect on me, my mind has been botoxed into wrinkle free paralysis.

"Dos: the meek and misguided muckety-muck flunkies
Will ride senso unico through farewell tollbooths." Say what?

"Tres: Other castaways'll opt for Mannecan't (Mancat?) memoirs,
Perhaps better to pitiful pre-Modelland pursuits."

and then,

"Cinco: Prime few'll emerge 7Seven 'toxibellas.
For this reward, pathetics would sell their eyetooths." Double WHAT? No, the 7Seven is not a typo.

Is this a test? An engram? A riddle or a haiku gone terribly wrong? Wellll, I'm still not sure. I thought I'd better go back and read them again, but I had a sudden spike of pain in my head that just wouldn't allow me to read the chapter a second time, sorry.

I haven't even gotten to the romance, it sizzles and pops with SM-ize'ing sensuality, "His thumb touched both of her lips, then entered her mouth just a bit. He removed the last traces of chipped wood, but his thumb lingered between her lips and made slight contact with her tongue. Tookie wanted to bite down hard on his hand to teach him a lesson to not touch her in such a way . . ." I cut out the last bits because it is seriously too hot to type here.

Finally I made it to chapter 37 and the Man-Attack and made a startling discovery, this book is like the Hunger Games! Well, except that the contestants have to battle it out in make-up and skanky lingerie, the story doesn't make sense and the characters insult each other and spend too much time changing their clothes.

After a lot of improbable fighting and silly emoting, the book got down to some real dramatic drama stuff, "It's a LeGizzard! They killed my father! And now one's come for me!"

Wasn't LeGizzard those men's shirts with the crocodiles near the collar?

Anyways, the books ends on an ambiguous note. I'd like to say that it cleared up my confusion, but instead I'm left shaking my head astounded that I read the entire thing in just five days.

Borrow this from a friend.