Mating in Captivity: Reconciling the Erotic and the Domestic [Hardcover]

There is a huge and perplexing quantity of literature out there crammed with
advice on how we may tackle the blandness of sex in a long term relationship and thus improve our sex lives; if only we were to follow those authors clearly laid out instruction manuals. Whilst this may be effective for many people, hoards are left asking themselves why they feel so much in a rut and unable to relate to the proposed steps forward. The trouble is, as Esther Perel puts it, eroticism simply doesnt lend itself to the rigors of scorekeeping but is an imaginative act and cannot be measured. Furthermore, no amount of will or reason can dictate our love dreams. How can we desire what we already have? How do we liberate ourselves and re-discover excitement in a sexual relationship that has gone stale? In our long term relationships, how do we manage the tension between security and adventure, between commitment and eroticism, or put the X back in sex? Answers can never be simple and Perel does not pretend otherwise. But what she does do, through case studies and discussion, is explore the paradox between separateness and closeness, as it is acted out in sex, in a way that is plucky, inspired, imaginative, intelligent and entertaining. It is extremely well written and does not hide behind a lot of psychoanalytic jargon, thus making it accessible to the lay as well as the specialist reader. As a professional in the field, I found it to be a first class piece of writing that I can highly recommend.

Have you ever wondered why affairs are so common? Have you ever actually questioned why the whole -"meet someone you fancy, fall in love, live happily ever after" kinda doesn't really happen and noticed that adult relationships are actually way loads more complicated than this - then this book is for you and will help you address much of your resultant confusion. Its an exceptionally well written book - it is clear it has been well researched, considered and thought about, and the author clearly has considerable expertise in this area.

As a therapist and clinician I found myself nodding in agreement with so much of what was written - I noticed how much of my own knowledge and experience mapped exactly with her findings and many of her observations resonated powerfully for me: speaking truths and realities so seldom mentioned in our society and so often specifically avoided in our education about relationships.

The primary focus of the book is exploring and seeking to understand how sex, sexuality and erotic desire exist within an intimate relationship and how sexual desire and emotional intimacy are not necessarily compatible. In clear and straight forward language she both illustrates and explains the mechanisms by which sexual desire and passion are ignited or indeed damped (or potentially extinguished) and goes on to show how many of our thoughts about emotional closeness and emotional intimacy fly in the face of raw sex desire.

She makes the point that monogamy was historically a patriarchal mechanism to control the fertility and reproductive capacity of women: yet in the 21st century we need to wake up to new ideas around male and female sexuality and indeed on the value or purpose of monogamy against other models of sexual relationship. This book can help people re-evaluate their understandings on the significance of sexual enactment both within and outside of committed intimate relationships and it also offers less pejorative conceptualisations on modern challenges on such things as cybersex.

I was particularly impressed by the fact that she has included same sex relationships quite naturally within the text and also takes a balanced and healthy view of how Kink/BDSM enact within healthy erotic desire. She makes the point that healthy BDSM and Kink are about consensual power-play and fantasy exploration, and very much not about abuse as is so often misunderstood.

In exploring and explaining the dynamics of sex within a marriage she of course has needed to consider the basis of marriage and how this has dramatically changed in recent history. She makes the point that whilst previously marriage acted as a "pragmatic institution" based on the financial dependency of women on men, modern marriage is a contract of choice not compulsion and implicit in that is that a marriage must meet the needs of both parties for it to work. When needs go unmet there is the potential for either legitimate or indeed illegitimate outsourcing. In that regard, I'd say this book is particularity poignant for mature couples to read - my clinical work has consistently shown that there is a vulnerability in longer established relationships especially around later middle age when affairs seem extraordinarily common - understanding that any combination of mid-life reflection and regret; concerns over failing health of parents; dealing with bereavements; stress-ors around work and career; and the challenge of offspring leaving home; can all place heavy burdens on a marriage that can see passion and sex go out the bedroom door and lead the unwitting to fall vulnerable to the flattering attentions of a friend or work colleague.

The book ultimately presents an optimistic message that encourages people to take a more adult view of how sex and marriage work and offers insight into how intimacy disquiets might be worked around within a committed intimate relationship. I would recommend this book without hesitation - it will provide answers to individuals facing the challenge of declining or lost desire within their relationship and is particularly useful for therapists working with clients who present with relationship issues - both as a clinical source book and self-help resource.
Also recommended Arousal: The Secret Logic Of Sexual Fantasies

Esther Perel asks how do we bring lust home? We all need security, love and commitment but eroticism can be lost with repetition and familiarity. Desire is about wanting. Can we - and our partner - want what we have? This is what she says...

Erotic intelligence is about bringing the space between two people to life. Desire needs a degree of distance, elusiveness, excitement, fun, fascination, adventure, discovery, novelty, change, uncertainty, mystery, anxiety of the unknown and anticipation.

We advocate togetherness but we also need autonomy, freedom and personal fulfilment and therefore we should allow a little space in our relationships. If we lose our separateness then connection can no longer occur. For example we shouldn't feel we have to talk about everything - women especially can share too much such that doing so becomes obligatory with nothing left to seek. We are two different people and have a sexual self which is individual, generates its own images and is aware when it gets turned on unexpectedly.

Esther believes fantasy is important, since it allows us to break rules and to have some freedom and excitement, escaping the constraints of life. We shouldn't worry that the erotic imagination is fuelled by a host of improper feelings- lust, aggression, power, neediness. In fact fantasy can be a reaction to unconscious pressures. What turns us on often goes against our preferred self image and our moral convictions, but there's no need to feel ashamed or guilty about our fantasies. Acknowledging one's eroticism is healthy but we should be wary of detailed sharing of our fantasies with our partners.

Esther talks about the '3rd person' in other words someone else, real or imagined, whom we or our partner desires. The 3rd is the forbidden- what lies outside the fence, who's presence is a fact of life. To refuse to acknowledge anyone else, even in fantasy, as a result of insisting on perfect love, implies a fragile relationship where monogamy is enforced compliance rather than a free expression of loyalty. We choose to renounce others- but we don't need to deaden our senses to protect our relationship. Acknowledging the 3rd reinforces the erotic separateness of our partner. We shouldn't choke freedom of thought if we want desire to breathe within marriage.

Temptation is normal, as are injunctions against temptation and infidelity. Knowing that it is possible for our partner to be unfaithful keeps us sexually interested and reminds us that we shouldn't take them for granted. Pretending that there are no attractive people out there doesn't make the relationship more safe and certainly not more honest. This other person, the 3rd person, shouldn't be a threat or a shadow but something to add spice, make our partner a little mysterious, make us slightly unnerved, and increase our desire for them. Renouncing others reaffirms our choice. We admit our roving desires and reject them. There's no need for fear or moral outrage.

So can we always want what we have?... We don't actually own our partner. Separateness is undeniable. We should have erotic intelligence and revere the erotic, embrace our fantasies and the existence of 'the 3rd'- someone else who catches our eye or that of our parner. Esther Perel says desire resists confinement, we should be both separate and together, cultivating intimacy that respects privacy, and bring lust home.

Great book. The monogamist's essential read!