Manos Hands of Fate [DVD] [1966] [Region 1] [US Import] [NTSC]

Warning: "Manos: The Hands of Fate" may cause nausea, vomiting, nosebleeds, disorientation, coma, vampirism, alcoholism, backaches, headaches, stomachaches, athlete's foot, stabbing pains, and the overwhelming urge to hit yourself in the face with a big mallet.

As you can probably guess, this is one of those movies that lives up to its reputation as one of the worst movies ever made -- an achingly slow, absurd, random mess of hilariously bad EVERYTHING. And without the guys from Mystery Science Theater 3000 around to lampoon it, you're left with a movie so bad it makes Ed Wood look like Guillermo del Toro, and so boring that it could be used as a sleep aid.

A generic all-American nuclear family is apparently going on a sightseeing tour of the US's farm fields, when they stumble across a weird house out in the middle of nowhere. The only person there is a twitchy guy called Torgo (John Reynolds) who talks constantly about "The Master" and has enormous knees. Oh, and there's a pair of teenagers making out in a car who are told off by a nosy cop, who are then dropped and never seen again.

Anyway, anybody who has EVER seen a slasher movie has already figured out that there's something diabolical afoot -- the Master turns out to have a harem and a giant regent mustache. He also worships a weird deity named Manos (which means "Hands," meaning the movie is called "Hands: The Hands of Fate"), and he's determined to pull the nuclear all-American family into his web of evil, pedophilia and hypnotism. It's hard to care, honestly.

"Manos: The Hands of Fate" is one of those movies where every single aspect of it is a disaster. I literally tried to find some positives in this movie, and they could all be counted on one hand with fingers to spare. It somehow comes as no surprise to me that writer/director/producer/star Harold P. Warren was a fertilizer salesman, and it comes as even less of a surprise that he never made another movie.

It doesn't even manage to be one of those movies that's so bad it's hilarious (like Ed Wood's) because it's simply so boring. The first several minutes are spent watching FIELDS go by, and the entire movie drags by at a glacial pace (how many minutes are devoted to Torgo tottering around?).

As far as cinematography goes, it looks like Warren filmed the entire movie with old cell phone that was dropped in a toilet -- it's grainy, wobbly, and full of glaring lighting and murky sound. The dialogue sounds like it was made up after a bad bender ("You have failed us Torgo. For this you must die"), and the soundtrack is just plain cheesy. And there are all sorts of random scenes that feel like they were cobbled together with no storyline in mind (the teens in the car, who are chastised by the police, leave and are never seen again... what was the point of that?!).

And of course, there's the acting: there is literally not a shred of talent in the entire movie. The actual acting is so wooden it could be chopped up and made into a table, and all the reactions are a few beats late, as if they're waiting for somebody to yell, "Act scared! Act evil! Act angry!" The family is so bland and devoid of personality that it's impossible to care what happens to them. Tom Neyman is hilariously wooden as the evil Master, and John Reynolds spends the whole movie twitching, blinking and staggering (for reasons that are never explained in-plot), sort of like a bearded Kristen Stewart.

"Manos: The Hands of Fate" is too boring to be hilarious, too bland to be weird, and too abysmal to be watched. Here's a tip: if you must watch it, try taking some hallucinogens first -- it certainly can't make the movie any worse.

First of all let me just say there are no spoilers in this review. How can there be spoilers for a film with no recognisable plot???
Anyway, the semblance of a plot is as follows. Margaret, Michael, their daughter Debbie and cute little poodle Peppy are on some kind of vacation, when, despite the warnings, they turn down a road looking for a room for the night. Or something like that. They get lost,drive around for what seems like days, but then come across a house in the desert. Their big mistake is going up to the house for directions, as they are 'greeted' by Torgo,a quivering, ranting, bundle of joy and their nightmare begins.
There have been many good and bad films over the years. Then there are films like 'Manos, The Hands Of Fate'. It does not respond to words such as good and bad, as these words do not exist on the planet Manos comes from. It's simply indescribeable. The acting is all pretty amazing but John Reynolds is simply the best as twitchy Torgo. Theres some great jazz music playing throughout the film, and really the second half of the film is strangly reminiscant of silent German Expressionist cinema at its best. I jest a little, thats for sure. One thing I would recommend though, and thats to watch the 'straight' version, not the MST3K one, as the latter dilutes the real power of The Master.
You must watch this film. You may never recover from the ordeal, but one things guaranteed. You'll be a better person for it.
The Alpha release is okay. Usual ropey picture quality, no discernable extras, but nice and cheap. As pointed out by another reviewer, this is a region free release, so everybody around the world can now undergo voluntary torture. 5 out of 5 of course

A truly awful film which makes no sense whatsoever but that's the main appeal.

That said it's cheap to buy so there's no danger of beating yourself up over enormous expenditure on a pile of rubbish.

If you're a fan of really bad films then I guess this is an essential purchase but I'd recommend you buy the Mystery Science Theatre version, it is really funny.