I had been coming across references to the Sanderling recording, always deeply respectful, for years. They mostly just said they'd recommend it if it were available, but it wasn't, so they recommended something instead. Finally a few months ago I came across the music itself - sort of - in a choppy, sputtery YouTube compilation. Even in that form, it was enough to revive a relationship with Mahler which had cooled off, almost grown cold, after the wild delights and throes of passion that ensued shortly after our first encounter in 1965. I was sixteen at that time, and deeply nostalgic for how it had felt to be eleven. For me, eleven was a glorious moment, full of wondrous discoveries about art (awed by VanGogh stars, awed by the magical rainbow of snakes crawling out of my first oil paint tubes), music (listening--Beethoven, Bach, Cleftones, Shirelles), life in general (feeling fully alive at last), girls (imagining), cats, candlelight, moonlight, Herman Hesse, Zen sayings, my luscious and kindly English teacher, bicycling down empty roads through the woods in winter, you name it. Mahler made me feel eleven again. He restored to life my withering emotional roots -- bringing back the juicy, uninhibited, comic, tragic feelings I was afraid I might never feel again. That's what makes us fall in love with the guy. When he isn't being adolescent he's being childlike. You could even says he's Oedipal: fuming with murderous desperate rage against his brutal remote daddy, then sleeping it off or weeping it off in the warm glow of mommy's unconditional love, that drama most vividly realised in the Second and the Sixth, but always simmering and churning below the surface. And what a surface it is, the richest, most imaginative and inventive orchestration ever. You don't like Mahler, you don't love Mahler, you need Mahler. He accompanied me everywhere in my mind's ear. Whenever I got stuck and couldn't get a feeling about what I needed to do (in a problematic romance or a problematic painting) a Mahler record would supply the feeling I needed. A Mahler concert (Leinsdorf is underrated!) even resolved my indecision about whether to actively resist the Vietnam War.
This all would have sounded very crazy back in the days before the world's craziness caught up with Mahler's craziness and then went beyond even his worst nightmares. For a half-century at least, Mahler's music has served as a refuge of sanity, a place to be healed and recharged -- and there might be millions now who feel that way. Time passed, though, and I found I needed it less. And less. It wasn't just that I had absorbed all the recordings and concerts I could afford, so I had all the music inside me already. It wasn't just that I overdosed, I'd overdone it. No, it was worse. I was outgrowing Mahler. A live concert now and then, finally, not even that. For several years, the one exception was the Tenth, in which he had finally grown up all the way, and he could pull me forwards instead of backwards. The Tenth always worked for me, every time I heard it something new would emerge, some new wisdom or plane of consciousness. Then it worked less. Then it too stopped working. I started acquiring different versions, trying to get one that would do it for me. That feeling of being in the presence of some great cosmic intelligence, where was it? Each one did it less. I was getting bored. The Tenth too was sounding adolescent to me now. When you start to get old and death and loss are really happening, you don't need music that takes you into it, you need to come through it and out the other side. Wallowing in pain and crying out for consolation is for kids. I gave up. Could it be I'd merely imagined the bit about that supernatural yet deeply human presence? So it seemed. Those last ten minutes and the great final chord, once the holy of holies, now felt like a visit to a church I could no longer believe in.
Then I heard Sanderling.