Lulu (With Metallica)

Do you find yourself admiring the composition of modern day spoken word poetry and wonder how it would sound if Metallica twiddled away in the background; well you are in luck `Lulu' is the album for you.

I bought this album purely on the basis that it had annoyed so many sheep (from the flock of Lou Reed and Metallica) that it must be really, really good. Well it's not really, really good but it isn't as bad as people say, and in this world of followers it's actually nice to see Lou and Metallica coming together to experiment like this.

It is a tough album to get into. More so if you bought it with any subjective expectations as to what you're getting. I think a lot of people saw it as a new Metallica album, featuring Lou Reed. Indeed it's the other way around. It is not a new Metallica album, but a Lou Reed & Metallica album. Forget Death Magnetic (fantastic, by the way), because you're not doing anyone a service by comparing it to Lulu.

If you're a close-minded hardcore Metallica listener (if you think I mean hardcore Metallica listeners are close-minded, read it again) you will be disappointed. If you are a music appreciator, an art appreciator, and a Lou Reed and Metallica appreciator, you will need to buy this.

There have been terrible criticisms of the singing, that in some parts of some songs it's out of sync and out of place with the music accompanying it. The whole experience, however, is a tight package of creativity, based on lyrics written by Reed for the play Lulu. I can't stress it enough that this album is something separate the known sphere of Metallica productions, and that is the main thing listeners need to understand and even get past to appreciate this as a music album.

My favourites, after listening to the whole album twice, are Pumping Blood, Iced Honey, Cheat On Me and Junior Dad. The latter two take me back to Velvet Underground's creepy ambient, nearly static croon. I'd even dare to say that Junior Dad is my very favourite piece on this album. I like it even with "those stupid violins that go on for NINE F***ING MINUTES!". Just beautiful atmosphere, great lyrics.

In a weird way Lulu is a good reminder of what rock actually is. This record is completely devoid of "good" taste. It thrashes and chugs and shouts. A lot of Metallica fans are adamant that it also sucks. A lot of Lou Reed fans are equally adamant that it's an embarrassment. Throw in various talking heads from late night arts review shows and the message is clear. Don't try anything different, make records for niche markets, be that for metal fans or the coffee table crowd and above all show some dignity.
What I like about this record is what a lot of people dislike about it. Reed's voice is too frail for Metallica's huge crunch. The result is that it sounds unstable, loose, like Metallica just jamming some riffs. You can hear them as an unpolished honest to god band, rather than as a recording unit or stadium act. In other words, to me at least, it rocks in the truest sense of the word. Lou's voice just sits on top, croaking away lyrics that work with the unholy maelstrom the band kicks up. Ultimately, it's the part of Metallica that isn't a corporate entity, the part of the band that was influenced by hardcore punk and doesn't care about its reputation. Contrary to popular misconception, I also think Lulu is every bit as much, if not more, Metallica as it is Lou Reed. Anyway, I think it rocks.

Honestly its not for the want of trying, three straight listens in a row (each 87 minutes passed very slowly), a copy in the car and headphones. Clearly there are many Amazon reviewers out there who love this and respect for that. But in this humble abode this CD is in real danger of becoming the most expensive coffee coaster of modern times. In 1967 Lou Reed wrote lines which stunned Andy Warhol and which energised thousands of aspiring musicians to to start bands. Remember "Shiny, shiny, shiny boots of leather/Whiplash girlchild in the dark/Comes in bells, your servant, don't forsake him/Strike, dear mistress, and cure his heart"? Can this be the same poet who today writes "I'm a woman who likes men, a little dog with a puny body and tiny dick, I AM A TABLE".

For the record Metallica are genius, their Black Album should be worshipped at the shrine of rock music. Lou Reeds career equally is an exemplar of uncompromising brilliance with the occasional large misstep but honestly "Metal Machine Music" is better than Lulu. In the last analysis this whole bloated mess collapses in on itself in the 19 minute finale of the truly horrible "Junior Dad" where you wish Nicolas Parsons would intervene and just shout "repetition". One positive note emerges from "Lulu" namely that Bob Dylan and the Grateful Dead must now relinquish their long held title of the worst collaboration in rock music history.

When Metallica announced a secret two-week recording project some months ago, I was intrigued. Death Magnetic had been a step in the right direction, even if it wasn't perfect (especially production-wise). It seemed like Metallica were getting back on track after the poorly-received St. Anger got a mauling from fans and critics. "So what is this new project?", I wondered. A collaboration with other members of the Big Four (following the recent touring)? A new covers collection (a la Garage Days and Garage, Inc)?

Nope. What was unveiled was an album with Lou Reed. "OK", I thought, "Maybe this will allow the band to explore their more experimental hard-rock side last seen on Load and Reload. If they went back to that style with Reed they may produce something thoughtful and interesting to listen to, then return to the metal on their next album". I was wrong.

I wasn't as surprised at the union as some, having remembered the performance Metallica had with Reed at the 25th Anniversary of the Rock N' Roll Hall of Fame. But I was still surprised, and like many, pretty underwhelmed. The YouTube parody video of Hitler from the movie Downfall receiving the news and getting worked up, pretty much sums it up.

As everyone probably knows by now, the project is a concept-album based on the works of German playwright Frank Wedekind, the story itself concerns a dancer-turned-prostitute named Lulu, hence the title. The lyrics and basic structure of the songs had already been prepared by Reed in basic form, and Metallica's job was basically to fill in the gaps with improvisation. This is where the trouble lies. Metallica have been brilliant song-writers in the past, and have crafted some of the most iconic and enduring thrash metal and hard rock songs of all time.... Improvisation isn't so much their strong suit. And it really shows on Lulu.

The opener is Brandenburg Gate, which is the shortest track on the album, but this doesn't make it any less painful. It just sets the tone for much worse to come. Aimless strumming leads into distorted guitar and Lou Reed's cracked and off-key vocals, singing from the point of view of the heroine of the story. He begins with "I would cut my legs and tits of when I think of Boris Karloff, or Kinski". Then Hetfield comes in, his voice better than Reed's but still so many miles away from it's 80's/ early 90's best, screaming about a "small-town girl" over and over again like a deranged redneck.

Things get even worse with The View, which has a doomy, out-of tune guitar riff set to more atrocious, off-key lyrical garbage from Reed. He seems to talk his way through the songs, but his voice is completely at odds with Metallica's metal riffs. Hetfield continually shouts about the fact that he is "the table", which is both unintentionally hilarious and painful when recalling his past glories.

The least terrible songs on the album are probably Iced Honey, which sounds almost below-average, until Reed's mumblings come in to ruin it and send it down to the level of awful, and Little Dog, in which Metallica melt away a bit and let Lou Reed do his thing, which is more subtle but just mind-numbingly-tedious and boring.

The worst? Take your pick. Pumping Blood has some of the most incongruous metal riffs mixed with some of Lou Reed's worst lyrics. Frusttration made me laugh out loud at how pitiful his delivery was, sounding like a 104-year old. Mistress Dread features a riff which is nothing to write home about, but at least it's fast, right? You hope that it might lead to some good guitar work, but instead it drones on like a stadium full of vuvuzela horns for 7 minutes with no deviation. One of my picks for worst track of the album has to be the soul-crushing, ear-killing, brain-melting closer Junior Dad, which is 20 minutes long. I've listened to songs longer than that before and fully enjoyed them, but this song is so painfully dull and uninspired the Bush administration probably would have used it to torture terrorist suspects at Guantanamo Bay. Metallica said that they cried during the performance of this song. I almost did too, but out of sheer boredom.

The album is plodding, repetitive, painful and aggressively boring. It sounds as though the band brought in their worst demos of un-releasable material and set it to a crazy old homeless man's ramblings. Reed is the cause of a lot of ire among Metallica fans, but the band are just as to blame, maybe even more so, as one could argue that Reed is just "doing his usual thing". Reed fans know that he is way past his best, but some who could stand Metal Machine Music may be able to at least tolerate this. Metallica are inexcusably bad (and they no longer have the St. Anger "we were going through therapy" excuse). Kirk Hammett's contribution is seemingly absent, just as he seemed to be in St. Anger, with no lead guitar emerging from the sludgy, half-baked riffs. Lars' drumming is frequently out of time, and has all the subtlety of a sledgehammer on songs like Pumping Blood. Robert Trujillo (whom I pity) is buried in the mix, barely audible.

Lyrically the album is diabolical. The Halloween release date is appropriate with the horrors on display here. The so-called story has no coherence, as Reed attempts to shock with lyrics like: "Waggle my ass like a dark prostitute coagulating heart-pumping blood", and "I swallow your sharpest curdle like a coloured man's dick". Why did Metallica allow themselves to be part of something so cringe-worthy and just plain bad? Hetfield only has a a small amount of vocal time on the record, but he is woeful and embarrassing compared to his efforts on lyrical gems like "Master of Puppets", and "Harvester of Sorrow".

In conclusion, this is a failed experiment with flaws so huge, they dwarf even St. Anger's worst moments by some distance. If Metallica had chosen to make collaboration with say, Lemmy, or Tom Waits, or Nick Cave, it might have yielded something that was listenable. But this "effort" from these two disparate musical forces is boring, painful, hilariously awful and humiliating. Reed has been putting out avant-garde albums for a while now, so his reputation will receive little damage from the fallout of this mess of an album. What happens to Metallica is more concerning. Lars will no doubt castigate fans for "not getting it", but the reality is, this is not some fine-tuned piece of art that broad-minded people will understand and love, it is just a truly awful and painful album. I'm no musical Philistine, I enjoy lengthy and complex music from Opeth, Pink Floyd, Dream Theater and others, but this record practically made my ears bleed. Hopefully they will return in a year or two with a new full Metallica album with a good production, great guitar riffs and memorable hooks, and this unholy abomination will be forgotten. If they return with anything sub-par, they may find themselves losing even more fans. I bought this album out of loyalty and will continue to keep the faith, but not all will have my patience.

For dissapointed Metallica and metal/rock fans fans try these if you haven't already:

Megadeth - Th1rt3en

Anthrax - Worship Music

Machine Head - Unto The Locust [+Digital Booklet]

Opeth - Heritage

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