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on 30 January 2014
I'm a rather lowly and wretched creature with a short attention span and crippling sex addiction. When I'm not relieving myself in public toilets or shouting obscenities at women on the bus, I like nothing more than to settle down with a good (short) (e)book. Preferably one about rutting, spaffing, frottaging, billying and people's innards falling out due to excessive diddling. So Loose Onions is right up my street. It's a well-deserved 5 stars from me. Mind you, I'm a terrible person - so I'm not sure how reliable a literary critic I can be taken as.

AND there's a bit with a bottle of Champagne. And a revelation about Elton John that I'm almost certain is libellous.
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on 31 January 2014
In 1819, when King Francis I of Naples visited the Pompeii exhibition at the National Museum with his wife and daughter, he was so embarrassed by the erotic artwork that he decided to have it locked away in a secret cabinet, accessible only to "people of mature age and respected morals."
Well he would have shat an ox if he'd seen just one single sentence of the 'Whims Of Your Master' trilogy; in fact, It would make the plaster covered phallus of Priapus wilt at its explosive unabashed depictions of carnal desire.

I was struck blind after reading the first two instalments due to the insanely high levels of word-filth that Mr. Perry had projected into my mind's eye.

Thankfully I have a text to speech application on my computer. I'm a bit limited in the voices available as I can't afford to purchase a realistic sounding person voice - I'm not made of money! but I'm sure the prospect of this book being read aloud to me by a happy shopper Stephen Hawking will make the experience even more sexually charged.

I will listen, imagining that Mr. Hawking got the sack after his last big sum failed to impress the boffins at his work, and now, broken and destitute, he has to make ends meet by rolling the streets reading descriptions of ladies parts to paying customers, just so he can afford his calculators.

I'm off for a shower. Sort out a Braille version, and I'll give you 6 stars.
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on 30 January 2014
I have only read the first few pages a bit, whilst tabbing back and forth between the Kindle Reader, and all the other distracting shite I spend my evenings looking at on the internet. I was actually meaning to load up the Danny Dyer biography that I hadn't finished yet, but accidentally loaded this instead.

I imagine it will be good, so there you go, five stars. A bit like that band from off of the 80s. 5 Star. Is that racist?

If you can't be bothered to read it, let me help you out. The final words are, 'The End'.

There. When is the next one out?
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on 4 February 2014
Yet again, being a woman, I've not been given a password for the internet grot so I've had to resort to the bottom of the erotic barrel that is the works of B P Perry. Having spread an already slim idea thinner than an anorexic supermodel across the first two Whims books he's decided to eke out a bit more cash to take his fap empire into profits of double figures.

The quality is exactly what you'd expect from the third book in a trilogy. However it gave me a rumbling in my lady area, the strength of which has not been seen since I sat at the back of a bus with a faulty exhaust and it rumbled with such strength I missed my stop and had to walk back three miles in the rain.

Bravo, Perry, Bravo.
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on 30 January 2014
I'm a very busy person with a huge moustache, so I'll just say that I didn't get where I am today by reading lascivious Country House filth written by the enigmatic B P Perry who is reputedly the demented love-child of ludicrous historian David Starkey and that fat lass off of Towie who wees in her bed every time someone turns a camera on.

I would also like to say that Loose Onions III is truly an inspirational work: after reading the preview pages I was inspired to buy two packs of AA batteries, so jolly well done. Highly recommended reading, and there's a bit with a champagne bottle.
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on 3 February 2014
I got a lob on on the Subway due to this 'book' and was very nearly arrested. Be warned folks
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on 31 January 2014
As a busy business manager, managing my business. I don't always have the time to wait on a dirty street corner, to hire a lady of the night. This handy electronic literature gives me the inspiration to commit much needed acts of stress relief
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on 18 February 2015
This book has no redeeming features whatsoever, not one. Complete garbage yet his other book - Mablethorpe Connection - is cracking good. Don't know what to make of this author. I so like mablethorpe so I'll probably give another book a go.
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