Living with the Black Dog: How to Cope When Your Partner Is Depressed [Hardcover]

'This is by far the best book to have been written by a carer of a depressed partner. It is moving, practical, down to earth and personal. Above all it is warm...This book is an obligatory read.' Paul Lanham, Vice-President of Depression Alliance

Caroline Carr's book follows her own story of coping with a partner who gradually slid into depression and - eventually - came out of it again. Although their relationship was changed, it survived, and she describes how she felt and the strategies she used to cope. She has talked to many other people whose partners have suffered from depression and she uses these as case studies throughout the book. She also gives a mass of practical advice, some she used at the time and some learnt later, to help others going through the same stressful experience.

How can you cope when your partner is depressed? Living with someone who is depressed is one of the loneliest feelings in the world. There's help out there for your partner, but what about you? Find out how you can get the support you need, whilst supporting your partner at the same time. Author Caroline Carr writes from personal experience, sharing her own story of what happened when her partner of 20 years became depressed. She shares advice and strategies on: -Looking after yourself and your family -How to support your partner -Understanding depression -Where to get help. Caroline's very honest account will show you how she and others like her coped, and how you can too. --This text refers to the Paperback edition.

Caroline Carr is a hypnotherapist, life coach and author. Her work has spanned areas as diverse as theatre, television, education and the criminal justice system. She works with people individually, and also in groups, where she delivers courses on self-development and interpersonal communication skills. When her life partner of twenty years became depressed it was a shock. She needed advice - but couldn't find the right kind quickly enough. This is what inspired her to write Living With the Black Dog.

When you are around a partner who becomes increasingly negative or irrational in their thinking or behaviour, you will be affected in some way. A range of things can happen:
-You are likely to become confused and worried
-You may wonder if it¡¦s your fault
-You may find that you seem to be unable to help them
-They sap your energy like a vampire and you start to feel low yourself
-You feel angry and resentful, and you blame them
-You also may feel a huge burden of guilt, and a certain amount of shame
may not be able to help your partner to challenge their thinking, or change their behaviour, but you can stop yourself being dragged down and sliding into similar patterns of negativity.

I just carried on with my life as usual. I was occupied most of the time with the children and part-time work, and I had a pleasant social life with some good friends. I also went for plenty of long walks by myself, and felt better for the fresh air.
The thing is, I used the walking time to think. I churned things over in my mind, again and again. That was exhausting.

What you can do to help yourself:
Talk to someone. I didn't do this, and I think it might have helped me to see what was happening, and to stop churning things over in my mind so much. I would have felt disloyal and embarrassed discussing Jim with friends, which is probably why I didn't. However, there are help lines that you can phone and yet remain anonymous. You could also speak to your GP.

If alarm bells are ringing in your head, listen to them. If you ignore them they may not go away. Share your concerns with someone else. There is no question about making a fuss or looking stupid. One conversation with the right person may just stop the ringing of alarm bells from developing into an almighty clanging.
Though I didn't realise it at the time, Jim was becoming quite seriously depressed. People have since been very empathic and said things like:
'Oh that must have been awful for you'
Well, yes it was. However, others go through far worse, watching someone they love harm themselves repeatedly, for example. So I need to draw a distinction between the depression that Jim experienced, and that of others. --This text refers to the Paperback edition.