A Little Book of Lies [Paperback]

Eighteen hundred amusing lies and not a scrap of truth to be seen. Judged as being "extraordinarily witty" by The Revd. Charles Chlamydia (1823-1881) while Pyotr Ilyich Tchaikovsky (1840-1893) said "I don't get it, and anyway I've been dead 113 years, why are you asking me?" --This text refers to an alternate Paperback edition.

STEVE SAYS: Rich and I first met in the mid Nineties in a pub called the King Edward VII in Stratford, E15. Recognising in each other the exulted art of Talking Utter Bollocks we started writing our own book - Rich set up a website that was little more than a drop point for ideas, to be tidied up in the editing.

When it was deemed ready (1800 ish lies or 50,000 words - we reckoned that was about 200 pages), I started hawking it round publishers, but it became clear that without an agent, no-one was interested, and agents 'weren't taking anyone on, love'.

The moment of revelation came in the humour department of Waterstones on Piccadilly in London; 90+% of the books in there were, frankly, shit. Books with one joke repeated ad nauseam, lousy full page single gag comics, all sorts of crap - and it got published! One can only assume the authors had an 'in' to the market. Suffice to say, the publishers didn't seem to be interested, so we found out how to do it ourselves instead, simply because our book is funnier than the vast majority of the potential landfill on the shelves out there. We took the attitude that if the publishers won't play with us, we'll play with ourselves instead. Hang on, can I rewrite that bit?

Originally published in 2006 and then reissued in a second edition in (apparently) late 2008 but really in early 2009, this book had been subject of many rejection letters from publishing houses and agents alike, which is a shame because it's really very funny. It does seem to be a bit Marmite; you'll lve it or hate it.

If you find the version with the cow on the front, that's the second edition. Buy that one. --This text refers to an alternate Paperback edition.

Once in a while comes a literary work of such breathtaking depth, such noble beauty and such exquisite good taste and grave that the authors are lauded as Saviours of Humankind, Great Men Among Men and Gentlemen of Wisdom. Honorary doctorates are handed out like confetti, labraries and places of study are named inb their honour, and young beautiful socirty ladies throw themselves at the feet of the erudite individuals in the hope of a morsel of wisdom, a droll bon mot, or an enthusiastic evening ina quality hotel with a decent minibar.

This alas is not that book. Take two chaps with twisted imaginations, keenly developed senses of the ridiculous, a crate of ale and two years'; editing tim, and this is what you get; the 2nd edition of the Little Book Of Lies. Improving upon the original by dint of deleting a few dozen jokes that didn't work and wanging in roughly 450 new ones, this book is 25% larger, but with 37% less calories and 176% more alcohol by volume. The topics still range from Badger disembowelment to Einstein the swimming pool letch, via Lemmy out of Motorhead's cure for the common cold and the Three Tenors/50 Cent crossover tribute act, Thirty Quid. Buy it, it's funnier that anything else you've got in the loo for the patrons to read. --This text refers to an alternate Paperback edition.

Richard Lockwood is a renowned space adventurer, psychic detective, time traveller and gentleman who spends the rest of his time developing websites. His hobbies include fending off bankruptcy and being tired.

Steve Potz-Rayner lives in Hampshire with his wife and son and tries not to break anything. He is noted for his enthusiasm of anything that involves petrol, amplifiers or beer, and ideally all three at the same time. His favourite foods are beer, trifle, and bacon and fried egg rolls, and his motto is unpalatable at best and illegal in many countries even between consenting adults. --This text refers to an alternate Paperback edition.

The Serpentine contains 23 million gallons of Ribena. This is why all the crayfish are purple.

Men in hats eat more than men not in hats.




The elephant has represented the state of Denmark for centuries, despite the fact that no Dane actually saw an elephant until 1916. Prior to then the image was transmitted to the nation by way of dreams and premonitions, the inherent inaccuracy of such resulting in some elephants having the heads of ostriches or the legs of dachshunds.

One in seven package coach tours to Spain go missing, never to be seen again.




Cartoon design mousemats absorb bad karma but lower IQ.




The use of sugar in confectionary was only pioneered in 1961 in Florida, USA. Prior to that, confectionaries were made from roast pig fat and carried a risk of transmitting worms if your sherbet lemon wasn't properly cooked.




Because of its unreliable power supplies holding the infrastructure together, Bulgaria frequently ceases to exist for up to 48 hours at a time.

`Atmosphere', by Joy Division is a cover of the Russ Abbott song of the same name.

Queen Victoria kept two pet scampi, called Boris and Nigel.

All maps manufactured in Lancashire inexplicably have `Yorkshire' mis-spelt as `Yorkshite', while maps manufactured in Yorkshire simply deny the existence of Lancashire at all, claiming instead that there are some remarkably picturesque beaches to be found just west of Huddersfield.




In 1994 the KLF urinated on every ley-line intersection in the UK. It took them eleven weeks.




There is a section of the Dartford Tunnel that is three weeks in the future, where one can hear the radio from three weeks hence and thus pick up some racing tips. The stretch is only twenty five yards long, and is covered in two seconds at 40mph, so most drivers never notice and put it down to poor reception, but those in the know stand on the service gantry with an FM radio and an oxygen cylinder.




Fish beer, made with hops, water and live herring, is highly prized in Norway and costs more than champagne for the best brews.

Six out of ten otters play a mean speed metal bass guitar.

The Monkees' hit "Another Pleasant Valley Sunday" was written during a mini-tour of South Yorkshire, and was originally called "Another Rother Valley Friday".

You can't keep boxes in a box file, because they explode or melt, depending on their colour.

The episode of The Herbs in which Dill The Dog contracts rabies and savages three of the Chives was never broadcast after it brought the then controller of BBC1 to tears.

Dog slobber is a more effective ionic desurfactant than any leading household cleaner. The only downside is everything smells of rotting meat after you've washed it.

In certain Southern states, it is traditional for the widow of the recently deceased to tap dance, play a bluegrass medley on the banjo, or give a folk singer redition of the soon to be interred's favourite song. In California, stage diving into the grave as the coffin is lowered is almost de rigeur and is responsible for 82% of hip injuries suffered by the over 50s.

"Skimmed" milk, available in most supermarkets, does not originate from cows; rather, it comes from male horses.



The Yalta Conference would have ended with a far more favourable outcome for the UK had not Winston Churchill, upon hearing Stalin's boast that the previous night he'd enjoyed the best blow job of his life, asked who the lucky man was.



Due to the high number of cheese related accidents in the UK during the fiscal year 2004-5, the European Union has decreed that from 2 April, 2014, supermarkets will only be allowed to sell safety cheese.



Freemasons may be taken roughly from behind without warning in a public place on payment of five pounds and a second hand apron.

Online bookseller Amazon employs only ferocious six-foot tall female warriors in its packing department.

The New York City Port Authority owns a lighthouse in Dudley, West Midlands.




In ancient cultures the everyday food of the poor was generally marmoset or bottle tops.

When condemned to death, Socrates was allowed to do a little dance and have sex with a goat before drinking a potion of poison hemlock.

--This text refers to an alternate Paperback edition.