Hallmark's 2004 miniseries version of King Solomon's Mines ain't exactly H. Rider Haggard, but it ain't exactly bad either. As usual with Hallmark (and all other screen adaptations of the book) it pays only lip service to the novel, keeping the trek and the fabled mines but shoehorning in female love interest (a still beautiful Alison Doody in a role that mercifully avoids the silly screaming woman spraining her ankle clichés that this kind of film usually attracts), but for the most part doesn't go the Indiana Jones route. It's a tad more politically correct than the source material, with Allan Quatermain (Patrick Swayze - yes, that's right, Patrick Swayze) a reluctant Great White Hunter only persuaded to go on one more expedition because he needs money to fight for custody of his son in England. What he's doing in England is a moot point, since Swayze is more cowboy than Quatermain, but since Roy Marsden and John Standing are the only members of the supporting cast who don't have to attempt (and fail) to hide their native South African accents behind bad Scottish or Russian ones it's best to let that slide. It never really hits the highs and round the two hour mark you realise it's not going to: it maintains a fairly level pace with no appreciable highs or lows. With Russian agents of the Tsar on their trail and World Music on the soundtrack, it's less a nightmare journey to Hell and back and more a somewhat uneventful leisurely walk through some nice tax-friendly South African scenery with occasional stops for exchanges of badly aimed gunfire until the rootin' tootin' sharpshootin' Quatermain Kid saves the day by fighting a white stuntman in rather obvious blackface makeup and makes it to the rather unimpressively tiny mines in a visibly underbudgeted anticlimax. Never less than, or more than watchable, it's an okay time filler if you're in an undemanding mood.