Keeping the Love You Find: A Guide for Singles [Hardcover]

 

 

Create your own review

I cannot comment on how helpful this book is likely to be to other readers, but I would like to give my experience of it as a balance to the other reviews here and offer a word of warning.
I would firstly like to state that for me, reading this book a damaging - and definitely not growing - experience. The basis of Hendrix's book is the 'Imago', 'the fantasy partner that your unconscious mind... has chosen for you', and for me he gets a point for giving me tasks to identify mine (but this wasn't new to me, I have come across exercises to do the same in books I've previously read). But he loses that point immediately for the repeated message that, no matter what, we are destined to end up together with someone who fulfils that image. In other words, this book isn't about trying to break those patterns of ending up with the same type of person, quite the opposite, Hendrix states (as if it were fact) that that is exactly what is necessary. It is necessary to do this, according to him, to heal the wounds of our childhood which gave rise to aspects of the Imago. I say `according to him', because he doesn't really justify these theories or statements. Excepting I have come to this book because in the past I have often been in badly abusive and damaging relationships; and Hendrix has said I cannot escape this, that I must stick with my Imago, I must seek it. And he doesn't really say how I should identify the worst aspects of the Imago and avoid them, the best he offers is some advice to try some self-healing to `take the edge off' the Imago.
What he certainly doesn't seem to believe we can decide for ourselves what dominant personality traits we want in our long-term partner (and which ones we definitely don't!) and I felt very very grateful that I know people who have done just that, and gone from the same type of abusive partner, to a very different loving and caring person, otherwise this book would have made me feel even more vulnerable and scared.
I also really dislike he states opinion as fact, and yet doesn't provide any proper evidence apart from subjective anecdote. For me this tone is often patronizing, and potentially damaging, and therefore dangerous. For example, he states early on (and repeats) that all people have to marry; not live together, not be in a loving, committed lasting relationship; they have to have a piece of paper stating they are married, otherwise they will never be, and can never be, whole. I don't believe this, and he fails to convince me of it, he just states it. For him, it doesn't need to be questioned, and implicit in it is the terrifying proposal that if you don't believe in marriage (just as I don't), and never get married, you will never be healed and whole. And unlike other self-help books I have read that state things I don't believe myself, they at least still leave me to decide for myself whether I should accept it or not, or give me the chance to see how it might be accurate, or accurate at least for some people, or some aspect of myself etc etc, there is no chance of any of that here. It is Hendrix's way, or no way; and it is all his way, just because he says it is so.
And sometimes I do not even understanding what he is saying; on rape he writes; `the depersonalization of the other, in rape, is an expression of a split self, a desperate attempt to connect with the hated opposite in oneself. A rapist suffers from sensory deprivation, from the repression of eros, from a deep self-hatred acted out upon a hated object - the perfect formula for violence.' I think this statement would require careful reading, analysis and study for even the above-averagely sussed reader.
For me there was a (very) little relevant good advice in this book (at 301 pages it is not surprising), but for me reading it was like having someone whisper my worst fears over and over to me. I wish I had never picked it up.

This is one great read in that it gives good, sound advice for the person who has had trouble in the loe department. I think that, for all of us, acheiving long love is the goal of life, and this book can set you on that path. I recommend it, along with How To Be Wanted: Use the Law of Attraction to Date the Man You Most Desire and Live the Life You Deserve.

Probably the best self help book on relationships I've come across (believe me, I've read a few!). Can't recommend it strongly enough. The central idea may not be new, yet still very true - in order to have a healthy relationship with another person we must face our own demons, examine and understand ourselves.

Share your thoughts with other customers: Create your own review

› See all 5 customer reviews on Amazon.co.uk

 

2.0 out of 5 stars Disappointing
Harville Hendrix has an excellent reputation and after a psychologist friend quoted interesting research from him I felt I must buy it, but I found it repetitive and flat... Read more

Published on 23 Aug 2009 by Cl Smith

4.0 out of 5 stars Useful guide for any person seeking a lasting relationship
The tenet of this book, as is that of the other Hendrix books, is that we carry 'wounds' from childhood into our adult relationships. Read more

Published on 17 Mar 2002

Search Customer Reviews
Only search this product's reviews

› See all 5 customer reviews on Amazon.co.uk

Search Listmania!