It's Not You, It's Him: The Zero-Tolerance Approach to Dating [Hardcover]

Often when things don't work out in a relationship a woman will blame herself asking what did I do wrong? Why wasn't I enough? We beat ourselves up and Dr. Witkin is getting us to see that we are enough and we didn't do anything wrong. It's not about not taking responsibility. Yes, two people are involved in a relationship, but often a woman will put the man on a pedestal making him out to be perfect and herself the one who is flawed. This book helped me to see that I was degrading myself by thinking I was the one who wasn't enough. The book is really about being true to yourself and valuing yourself, having self-respect. It is not about bashing men or putting blame on them. The right man is going to love you for respecting yourself and being true to yourself. When a woman jumps through hoops to please a man or to "catch" a man, she only succeeds in getting the wrong guy for her. This is a very helpful book for reminding women how truly wonderful they are and how much they deserve to be loved by a man who values and respects them. Nothing less is acceptable.

It is ironic that the negative reviewer below wrote "It would be nice to see some books about equal and positive dynamics in relationships..." because that is exactly what this book offers. (That reviewer has obviously not read the book.) Negavative dynamics occure when two people are not equal-- when the woman has put the man at greater value. This is unhealthy. Women need to realize that they are just as valuable as men. This book will help women realize that they don't need to change to find a man. This book also lists zero-tolerance behaviors that women should beware of when dating.

This book will teach you:

Assume that you're perfect as you are...perfectly lovable, that is

Assume that you're entitled, therefore, to be loved by a perfect man...just as you always wanted

Assume, however, that there is no perfect man...in the whole world, and every man you meet will be imperfect...in many ways

Assume that if he doesn't find you lovable, that's proof that he's imperfect...at least for you

My favorite lessons from the book are:

*stop faking it-- do what you want, wear what you want, go where you want

*Don't ask why. Ask what. What do you want from a man who loves you? And what did you get instead? That is all you need to know.

*Don't apologize: women apologize for not anticipating problems, not avoiding problems, for who we are, for what we do, and for being single. All this apologizing affects the way you feel about yourself.

This book is about raising your self esteem and creating positive afirmations. A great gift for any single woman.

I tend to dislike books in the "self improvement" genre, but this one is a true gem.

Like many women, I always ask myself what I've done "wrong" when a relationship doesn't go the way I want...meanwhile I see men whose relationships have failed jump right back in the saddle without a moment of self doubt! I've had more than one person tell me I'm "too nice." Meanwhile, I see so-called "difficult," "demanding" women get the guy!

This book doesn't tell you to be difficult or demanding. The point is to BE YOURSELF. If you try to please others, you are acting in response to a projection of what you think the other person wants. Not only are you likely to be wrong about what the other person is looking for, but you aren't going to be very happy in the process, are you? The other person will sense that you aren't feeling happy or being genuine, and this will cause them to lose interest.

In order to find the guy who is right for YOU, you have to believe that you are lovable and stop questioning yourself. Look at HIS behavior objectively and critically...to see if HE is right for YOU. This will keep you from falling for the wrong guys.

This advice, presented in a really straightforward and sensible way, matches what a lot of what men have told me...namely that confidence is the most attractive quality a woman can have. The difference between those "difficult" women who get the guy and yours truly? They are being genuine and true to themselves; they feel that they are lovable, flaws and all. No one is perfect, but if you believe you are valuable and worthwhile, you are more likely to find someone else who will feel that way too. This holds true even if you're "picky," "selfish" or whatever people say is the reason you haven't found The One.

I had a hard time getting over my recent relationship. By asking "what instead of why," as this author advises, I was able to see his behavior clearly. He canceled dates at the last minute (showing disrespect for my time); he flirted with other women in front of me. Does it matter *why* he did these things? Did I elicit this behavior somehow? No. His behavior told me all that I need to know about him. This book helped me clarify for myself what I want in a relationship, and it certainly isn't someone who makes me feel insecure around other women or who disappoints me at the last minute.

I am really happy I came upon this book. In a genre full of overwrought, gimmicky advice, this book offers true wisdom, especially for women who are "too nice" and are eager to please others. I'm excited to read other titles by this author.