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Instant Insults

Instant Insults [Kindle Edition]

MIke Francis
2.5 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (6 customer reviews)

Kindle Price: £0.77 includes VAT* & free wireless delivery via Amazon Whispernet
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Product Description

Product Description

Loaded with crushing insults, bitch-slaps and one-liners, become the confident, spontaneous ‘alpha’ in an instant, just by memorising a few lines! Inside you’ll find 100 professional-comedian comebacks and quips to wipe the floor with your foe! For Instance:

• “Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you're a twat!”
• "That reminds me. I must get some piano wire."
• "If I throw a stick, will you leave"
• "I've seen better dressed wounds"

“They certainly punched above their weight and got results too” –Brighton Mag

"Champ's Charm School" -Sunday People

REVIEWS: Good book. Good and funny read and great price for what u get, would recommend this book to anyone who likes a laugh

REVIEWS: I had mixed feeling about purchasing this book as I was put off by some of the negative reviews on here and also the price as considering this was a new release it was cheaper than I expected it to be. I decided to ignore the reviews and give it a go and I was glad I did.

REVIEWS: Can’t say a lot about this book bought as a present for someone else but they said it was well worth reading

REVIEWS: I'd rather keep this book a secret so I have less competition however to be fair to my peers, I would recommend it.

REVIEWS: Am currantly reading this book. A good first book to read on my first Kindle. Very much cheaper than buying a book!

REVIEWS: Brilliant book - Read in a flash with laughter throughout! If you are feeling low - read this it will brighten your day!

REVIEWS: I bought this as a taster on the day I bought my Kindle. Over the next few days my family got a bit fed up with me laughing out loud to many of the lines.

REVIEWS: I was a little worried by the title of the book as in my experience one liner jokes tend to be silly rather than funny - though of course not all. As one would expect there were a lot of groans at some of the lines but I was pleasantly surprised that many of the lines were excellent. So, a book which is better than most of the competition and worth dipping into frequently whenever one needs some lighter moments.

Product details

  • Format: Kindle Edition
  • File Size: 1151 KB
  • Print Length: 94 pages
  • Simultaneous Device Usage: Unlimited
  • Publisher: (24 Dec 2013)
  • Sold by: Amazon Media EU S.à r.l.
  • Language: English
  • Text-to-Speech: Enabled
  • X-Ray:
  • Word Wise: Not Enabled
  • Average Customer Review: 2.5 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (6 customer reviews)
  • Amazon Bestsellers Rank: #432,360 Paid in Kindle Store (See Top 100 Paid in Kindle Store)
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More About the Author


Interview with Mike Francis

What do you say to your critics?
Some people can't grasp the concept of audience baiting, insult Comedy or 'roasts'. and find it all so terrible usually insisting the author can't speak proper English like what I do... completely missing the importance of colloquial speech and poor grammar in some comedy, VITAL!! Other people have "heard it all before" and generally, these are joke-collectors and not really interested in the crowd control or the people influencing skill this material instils.

Entertainers are traditionally my main audience but recent books I've created for barstaff and waiters to increase their tips, the office banter books and especially the 'chat-up' and 'ice-breakers' books have recently become hugely popular. Those folks that understand how insult comedy works (usually alpha males) always come back and get the bigger versions of the mini book they've procured whether they're stand-up club comics, DJs & Karaoke MCs, or the local band 'front man'. I've been supplying one liners to this lot for over 25 years.

When did you first start writing?
I first started editing gags in 1974. I was 17 and a drinks waiter in a working man's club in Heywood UK, where stand-up comic Frank 'Foo Foo' Lammarr worked. I quickly realised that when he took the mickey out of me as I walked by the stage, my tips increased dramatically, I also realised when I used some of his 'lines' on the customers (when he wasn't there of course) my tips increased even more. Not long after this, those same skills took me on stage as a DJ and the use of stand-up material began to evolve. I began writing my own material in 1985 although it's really very hard to prove ownership these days because of the internet. Having said that, I still have my original scribbling's in shoe boxes books registered and copyrighted so I know if I ever need to prove ownership, I can. It's always a compliment though when I hear my material on TV.

What's the story behind your latest book?
Buddy Banter my recent book was borne out of one or two friends, using my own material on me! Many social gatherings have an element of insult humour. If you recall the last time you got together with friends. It isn't a bunch of people sitting down to serious conversation, but a gathering that finds people throwing light jokes at each other even if it is at the expense of someone within the group. It is not a way of being insulting or rude, but playful banter among friends and those one is familiar with. A classic example would be sitcoms that have close friends or family members cracking jokes about each other which aren't offending, but quite hilarious. Think Seinfeld, The Office and Friends. In fact one of the best one-liners for many years was delivered perfectly by the incredible Jennifer Anniston... "Who's your fashion impaired friend?" The perfect insult aimed at a young fashionista! Love it!

What motivated you to become an indie author?
I love working with people, whether it's face-to-face behind a bar or on stage with a microphone which led me to the conclusion that it would be worthwhile sharing what I've learned over the years, to inspire others in having as much fun as I've had. I write because the inspiration for sharing is overwhelming and showing others how to make more friends and influence people, in my own unique way, is a great reward.

What is the greatest joy of writing for you?
This is such an easy question to answer, the greatest joy is knowing I can provide not just a powerful stage performer with good material but also a shy stranger with enough easy to use funny quips to change his or her life incredibly quickly. I know from experience that once you get your first laugh, you never look back and before long you're confidence sky rockets. Usually you're the 'life of the party' ...which can be a pain in the neck if you just want a quiet life!

What are you working on next?
It may seem like chalk and cheese but I've just published my first reprintable children's colouring book for parents, nurseries and doctors surgeries etc to keep kids occupied, something I've wanted to do for a long while. The beauty of electronic publishing is that a simple drawing can be printed out hundreds of times so completely does away with the need to buy expensive colouring books at the local toy store. It's under a pseudonym of course and may seem silly in comparison to my 'on-stage' presence but it gives me great joy to see kids colouring in my work.

What is your writing process?
Like any situation comedy on TV, I just put myself in someone else's shoes and have fun with their personality. It can be weird putting funny quips together for an undertaker one month and a few months later for a hairdresser but it's a lot of fun!

How do you approach cover design?
There are some stunning book covers out there but unfortunately when using online bookstores, they can't be seen and it's soooo important to get a message across that people can see when they're skimming through legions of books. It also important that my books 'look warm' so the right personalities are attracted by colour ... I should have studied subliminal psychology!

What indie book marketing techniques have been most effective for you?
Without doubt the best marketing is achieved by keeping the cost as low as possible although Amazon earns two thirds of the book cost it gets my work out there so people can see what 'Insult Comedy' is all about and how useful it actually is whether in day to day work or social life, or on stage, I usually do this via Smashwords ( because Amazon also insist on a minimum price authors must charge for their work.


Mike Francis, born in Manchester, UK, an entertainer and prolific comedy script-writer lives in Benidorm, Spain, where he also works on numerous writing and editing projects. His comedy writing appears regularly in genre markets worldwide and he is a winner of numerous awards for his work. Mike's love of people, whether it's face-to-face behind his Bar in Benidorm or on stage with a microphone, led him to the conclusion that he needed to share what he has learned to inspire others in having as much fun as he has. Today, Mike writes his books because the inspiration for sharing is overwhelming and he knows that showing others how to make more friends and influence people will always be a good thing.

Comedian Mike's new book 'to inspire others', is loaded with flirty lines, funny Insults, cheeky quips and idle banter, Mike said "workplace or stage, just memorise a few lines and have a laugh, this isn't rocket science!" After more than 30 years as a professional Entertainer, Mike decided to share what he knows about stand-up audience baiting and roast humor ...with everyone and his scripts are, for the first time, available via Amazon.

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Customer Reviews

Most Helpful Customer Reviews
2.0 out of 5 stars This is not a book! 3 Mar 2014
Format:Kindle Edition|Verified Purchase
It's a small article, don't waste your money. Unfortunately too late for me to return it. Waste of money. Read an article on the web instead!
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2.0 out of 5 stars OK if you were born yesterday 1 Feb 2014
By mooncat
Format:Kindle Edition|Verified Purchase
Sorry; mostly a bunch of gags I've heard a thousand times before. If you're 15 and want to insult your classmates, they might think you're clever. Don't try them on grown-ups, though; you'll get yawns and raised eyebrows every time.
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1.0 out of 5 stars Dreadful overpriced rubbish 30 Aug 2013
Format:Kindle Edition|Verified Purchase
Sadly I believed the hype. I really wish I hadn't! Please don't make the same mistake yourself. Purile nonsense. Avoid!
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