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If it Hurts, it isn't Love: And 365 Other Principles to Heal and Transform Your Relationships [Paperback]

Chuck Spezzano , Robert Holden
5.0 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (1 customer review)

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Book Description

6 Mar 2000
In If It Hurts, It Isn't Love, author Chuck Spezzano finds truth in simple insights: What I think I need is what I am called to give. Depression is the fear that something new will leave me. When someone gets angry at me, there is a lesson for me to learn. Jealousy is a birthing place. These principles show how to look afresh at one's most important relationships, in a way that heals pain and brings love and forgiveness. After each principle, the author gives brief exercises that nudge readers further, prompting them to absorb the insights even more deeply.

Product details

  • Paperback: 416 pages
  • Publisher: Marlowe & Co (6 Mar 2000)
  • Language: English
  • ISBN-10: 1569246343
  • ISBN-13: 978-1569246344
  • Product Dimensions: 21 x 14 x 2.9 cm
  • Average Customer Review: 5.0 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (1 customer review)
  • Amazon Bestsellers Rank: 244,937 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

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WHATEVER ASSAILS US IN a relationship, whatever brings questions, doubt, or pain, whatever the problem is, the answer will come when we truly move toward our partner. Read the first page
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2 of 2 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars spiritual enlightenment 21 May 2001
By A Customer
no matter what your background or outlook on life, this book applies to YOU - with simple & practical day to day guidelines for personal growth, a better understanding of yourself & improving relationships with others. it enables you to learn why people act the way they do and gives you easy to use steps in which to pro-actively change your life, reducing conflict & increasing happiness for onesself & others.
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Amazon.com: 4.4 out of 5 stars  18 reviews
24 of 25 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars This author is very insightful 4 Jan 2006
By kterbo - Published on Amazon.com
This book is well thought out and explained. There are 366 passages, with a title/lesson and a through explanation following to incorporate that lesson. Each is given one full page (an extra for the lucky leap year.) The author's writing is spiritual in nature and full of much wisdom. You do not have to read this book front to back but open it to anywhere, to read just one lesson for the day.

Obviously this book is way over the previous reviewers head. Heck this is a simple book with much wisdom but, you must be willing to do some self reflecting and have accountability for your actions, to make the magic of these words happen! If you do not have the patience to look within, then don't buy this book.

I'd like to address what the other reviewer ('bunnyrabbit4') found so ridicules and I find so wise. This is paraphrasing of the authors intent. Principle #168, "If I'm attracted to someone then I have a gift for them." This means when we feel a certain pull towards another we have something to offer them. There is a reason why we feel a pull towards some and not towards others. The author explains that we should not enter into a relationship with the attitude of what can I get out of it. This is not about constantly doing for another or to just keep on giving to try and win approval, God no... but being the gift without expectations attached. The gift comes from our soul. #169 "If I give up being right, I'll be happy" We are so caught up in being right that we close ourselves off and block all else out. Wanting to be right at any expense comes from an inflated ego. We would rather argue to be right, then to be happy and have love in our hearts. We don't have to win every disagreement; we need to pick our battles carefully. This is a powerful one for me and one that I hope to master some day.
The one most disliked by previous reviewer is principal #92 ..good ol' 92 about anger... We must be accountable for our own feelings. Our anger is an attempt to project on to another our own feelings, and pretend the very thing we are angry about has nothing to do with us. This is about being accountable. All anger is an imbalance in our own nature. We choose how we react to situations. A person can insult you and you can become enraged and blame your whole rotten day on them or, you can consider the source and even have pity on then. Why, because all anger is a reflection of how we treat ourselves. *Some of the titles of the lessons may not be so clear to some people but, the authors message is insightful and right on track.

Also this book is great for a single person contrasting what another reviewer said. Heal yourself before you enter your next relationship, to attract a more healthy future partnership. Restated do not buy this book if you are trying to change someone else; it is only for those that are willing to look within. Hope this helps.
12 of 13 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars Deep wisdom and advice on relationships and life 17 July 2002
By Tim Burness - Published on Amazon.com
Chuck Spezzano has packed a tremendous number of inspired and practical insights into this book. There are so many psychological perspectives on relationships and life in general that I suspect everyone can find something here to inspire them. The layout of 366 statements with corresponding explanations and exercises is accessible and easy to dip into for a spot of inspiration or guidance now and again.
"A Course In Miracles" is acknowledged as a major influence by the author and many of his ideas have that flavour about them. As someone who struggled with A.C.I.M. I am always grateful to come across similar profound wisdom in a more digestible form. Thank you Chuck!
Some examples... "Intimacy can heal anything", "Forgiveness changes perception", "Every fantasy is an expectation", "A bad feeling is released by true giving", "Everyone's actions reflect my choices", "The ultimate goal is total dependence on the universe", "I can be in heaven with every person I meet", "Commitment means being true to myself", "Every expectation is a fear of the future". Each idea is practically explained and developed with a corresponding exercise. Well worth the effort and self-reflection, even if you don't agree with all of it. Excellent.
11 of 12 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars Great book 26 Mar 2000
By nick williams - Published on Amazon.com
True wisdom to help us on our journeys home to our hearts. It helped me realise that much of what I thought was love was only actually neediness and dependence. It has helped me have a much better relationship than ever before
2 of 2 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars I Agree, An Awesome Book! 21 April 2010
By Mommaw - Published on Amazon.com
"If It Hurts, It Isn't Love" has been one of the most transforming books I have ever read. The author covers so many valuable issues and shares them in such a way to make you think about all that you are coping with, making you an overcomer. A most essential tool for maturing and receiving wisdom to better cope in our every day lives. I want to share some of the lessons that stood out to me in detail and I am quoting the author from his book as follows:

Page 129 Lesson 116
Anger is always a cover for another feeling...
Anger is a defensive feeling that protects another feeling. The deeper feeling might be sadness, loss, hurt, rejection, or vengence, or it might be a feeling of guilt, frustration or disappointment. This deeper feeling can be part of a power struggle.....

This was a revelationary lesson for me. I have had to cope with angry people and now understand their anger and why it exists. These people believe they can have control over others with their anger and blame, and that controlling others will get them what they want, but it always fails! They cannot make another person feel or think what they want them to because we are all individuals with our own personalities and spirit. Anger really comes when a person has expectations which are not met. The simple resolution is to expect nothing, you will never be disappointed that way, and anger does not overtake you. Angry people hide a lot inside that makes them explode on impact!

Page 131 Lesson 118
If the past is unfininshed, ghosts of old relationships will come to haunt me in the present...
Everything we have not finished with our parents, siblings or other significant relationships will interfere with our present relationship. We bring every unlearned lesson forward to be learned now in our present relationship....

This one taught me not to allow the past to live in today's world.

Page 143 Lesson 130
Jealousy is revenge on myself...
Jealousy is one of the most unpleasant feelings we can have, because we have attached our happiness to someone else's behavior; this certainly causes us pain.

Jealousy, however, is a form of emotional blackmail, because we are trying to control another person through our bad feelings, whether or not they know what we feel.

I have never been one who ever liked seeing jealousy rule anyone. I do not practice it and it is such an ugly thing when you see it involved in anyones relationship. It comes from a lack of self-esteem and desiring things that one feels they do not have. A trait to remove if you can, it is easy when you are complete within yourself.

Page 205 Lesson 191
The less I defend myself the safer I am
Every defense creates attack. The more defensive we are, the more we create attack coming at us. Our defenses are there to protect buried pain, but buried pain poisons us....When we are attacked, the extent to which we stand undefended is the extent to which we will eventually succeed. The truth does not need defending, only our ego, the hider of all pain and the essence of separation, needs defense.

This one was very good for me. I always felt I had to defend myself and those I love but that quickly became a issue that will no longer occur because of the authors brilliant insight on it. This lesson alone is worth the price of the book. Being set free from ever feeling you have to defend yourself is great! I no longer care what others feel, think or make up to say in their gossipy circles of degradation.

Page 220 Lesson 206
Grievances destroy relationships...

Self explanatory, we all know this is true.

Page 237 Lesson 223
All relationship triangles come out of the competition in one's original family...
The purpose of all triangle relationships is to keep us from moving forward.

The author shares more on this idea but in essence it is three people binding together against one person to create havoc in the atmosphere but also to help the triangle feel they are not alone even if they are wrong, they feel safety in numbers by collecting others to their side and spreading gossip to achieve their goals. You can find more enlightenment on relationship triangling in other places by researching it.

Page 267 Lesson 253
What I fight against, I become...

The more we fight against something, the more we take on the qualities of whatever we are fighting against.

Such a profound statement and concept! I really took this to heart and also see the snare it has upon several we know. Fighting people are so caught up in the past and what happened, most with vengeful attitudes that they do not enjoy life because they have created their own prison. Letting the fight go and moving on liberates the spirit and soul to fly and soar to great heights.

Page 351 Lesson 327
If I don't trust, I don't love...
If we do not trust someone, we are not feeling love for them. There is something else going on, which is probably some form of control.
Trust is the power of our mind being given to another person to support them toward integrity and truth.
As we give trust, a most vital factor in any relationship, we are giving love.

This one is quite easy to understand, I have found when there is no love there cannot be a relationship because trust, honesty and love go hand in hand, one without the others creates dysfunctional tendencies.

Page 356 Lesson 332
Letting someone abuse you is not a service to anyone...
It is important to give ourselves basic respect, and to ask for self-respect from those around us. Letting someone abuse us is not a service to anyone. Respecting ourselves is not allowing ourselves to be abused. It is important to prevent people from harming us, not only ourselves, but because later their guilt will create a vicious cycle of either withdrawal or recurrent attacks.

In the end we have to love ourselves and protect what is important within our spirits, let go of the negative energy and people who try to sabotage us with their negativitiy, lies and deceptions and follow after honesty, truth, integrity and love. As the book says," If it hurts, it isn't love!"
2 of 2 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars Book of Love for "Self" 20 Jun 2008
By Kristine A. Timpert - Published on Amazon.com
Format:Paperback|Verified Purchase
In dealing with others we always find ourselves blaming everyone else for our state of being/happiness. This book if used for those times of confusion, can help guide us to understanding the true relationship can only be about our "selves". Hold this book to your heart and ask your soul, your gut or whatever you choose to call it, to bring you to the page that will provide you with the best solution to understanding self. Over a period of time you will find your ego softening and your heart expanding. In knowing "self" we can finally be in place where all of our relationships are nuturing and loving.
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