"If It Hurts, It Isn't Love" has been one of the most transforming books I have ever read. The author covers so many valuable issues and shares them in such a way to make you think about all that you are coping with, making you an overcomer. A most essential tool for maturing and receiving wisdom to better cope in our every day lives. I want to share some of the lessons that stood out to me in detail and I am quoting the author from his book as follows:
Page 129 Lesson 116
Anger is always a cover for another feeling...
Anger is a defensive feeling that protects another feeling. The deeper feeling might be sadness, loss, hurt, rejection, or vengence, or it might be a feeling of guilt, frustration or disappointment. This deeper feeling can be part of a power struggle.....
This was a revelationary lesson for me. I have had to cope with angry people and now understand their anger and why it exists. These people believe they can have control over others with their anger and blame, and that controlling others will get them what they want, but it always fails! They cannot make another person feel or think what they want them to because we are all individuals with our own personalities and spirit. Anger really comes when a person has expectations which are not met. The simple resolution is to expect nothing, you will never be disappointed that way, and anger does not overtake you. Angry people hide a lot inside that makes them explode on impact!
Page 131 Lesson 118
If the past is unfininshed, ghosts of old relationships will come to haunt me in the present...
Everything we have not finished with our parents, siblings or other significant relationships will interfere with our present relationship. We bring every unlearned lesson forward to be learned now in our present relationship....
This one taught me not to allow the past to live in today's world.
Page 143 Lesson 130
Jealousy is revenge on myself...
Jealousy is one of the most unpleasant feelings we can have, because we have attached our happiness to someone else's behavior; this certainly causes us pain.
Jealousy, however, is a form of emotional blackmail, because we are trying to control another person through our bad feelings, whether or not they know what we feel.
I have never been one who ever liked seeing jealousy rule anyone. I do not practice it and it is such an ugly thing when you see it involved in anyones relationship. It comes from a lack of self-esteem and desiring things that one feels they do not have. A trait to remove if you can, it is easy when you are complete within yourself.
Page 205 Lesson 191
The less I defend myself the safer I am
Every defense creates attack. The more defensive we are, the more we create attack coming at us. Our defenses are there to protect buried pain, but buried pain poisons us....When we are attacked, the extent to which we stand undefended is the extent to which we will eventually succeed. The truth does not need defending, only our ego, the hider of all pain and the essence of separation, needs defense.
This one was very good for me. I always felt I had to defend myself and those I love but that quickly became a issue that will no longer occur because of the authors brilliant insight on it. This lesson alone is worth the price of the book. Being set free from ever feeling you have to defend yourself is great! I no longer care what others feel, think or make up to say in their gossipy circles of degradation.
Page 220 Lesson 206
Grievances destroy relationships...
Self explanatory, we all know this is true.
Page 237 Lesson 223
All relationship triangles come out of the competition in one's original family...
The purpose of all triangle relationships is to keep us from moving forward.
The author shares more on this idea but in essence it is three people binding together against one person to create havoc in the atmosphere but also to help the triangle feel they are not alone even if they are wrong, they feel safety in numbers by collecting others to their side and spreading gossip to achieve their goals. You can find more enlightenment on relationship triangling in other places by researching it.
Page 267 Lesson 253
What I fight against, I become...
The more we fight against something, the more we take on the qualities of whatever we are fighting against.
Such a profound statement and concept! I really took this to heart and also see the snare it has upon several we know. Fighting people are so caught up in the past and what happened, most with vengeful attitudes that they do not enjoy life because they have created their own prison. Letting the fight go and moving on liberates the spirit and soul to fly and soar to great heights.
Page 351 Lesson 327
If I don't trust, I don't love...
If we do not trust someone, we are not feeling love for them. There is something else going on, which is probably some form of control.
Trust is the power of our mind being given to another person to support them toward integrity and truth.
As we give trust, a most vital factor in any relationship, we are giving love.
This one is quite easy to understand, I have found when there is no love there cannot be a relationship because trust, honesty and love go hand in hand, one without the others creates dysfunctional tendencies.
Page 356 Lesson 332
Letting someone abuse you is not a service to anyone...
It is important to give ourselves basic respect, and to ask for self-respect from those around us. Letting someone abuse us is not a service to anyone. Respecting ourselves is not allowing ourselves to be abused. It is important to prevent people from harming us, not only ourselves, but because later their guilt will create a vicious cycle of either withdrawal or recurrent attacks.
In the end we have to love ourselves and protect what is important within our spirits, let go of the negative energy and people who try to sabotage us with their negativitiy, lies and deceptions and follow after honesty, truth, integrity and love. As the book says," If it hurts, it isn't love!"